Bottled Up

Though this year 2007 has just arrived and its just barely 2 months had past. Somehow i feel as if i have lived through the half year period.

Feelings... coped up from deep within.. frustrations of self... hurts from people... letdown by friends... anger at God... uncertainities of future.. fear of the unknown... all these feelings just griped me to the core and im sure it has hit its peak!!!

Wondering anyone feelings can go lower than this?

Thank God i should say... the only way besides being a hermit in my own nut shell for days, there is also a remedy through writing... Its a way of expressions venting my frustrations.. throwing my fears and abandoning myself into world of my own.

At least in my world pains are temporarily ceased, in my world i can be at eased, in my world i can come in terms with my own true feelings, in my world no one can come near and hurt me, in my world no one sees my tears and fears.. in my world i can be free who i want to be....

Why am i hidding again? Why am i retreating? Why am i making rounds? Why do i have to do it again? Why do i keep holding on to somethings that are not right and never has any ending? Why do i have to hurt myself through and through? Letting God and those who believe in me down?

Silent cry screamed out from the depths of my being.. its a cry of desparations, its a cry longing to be heard. A cry of despair, longing ... a cry of identification, cry that is aimless that brings me down to my pit.

How can i ever be clean? How can i be pure? How can i be really happy? Stained with filth, marked down by gulit, echoed by condemations.. its just so much to bear. I wonder who can get me out of this silent anguish? i know i will not only be the one or neither the last one who feels this way.

I am just tired... tired of this journey... i wanted to go to a far away place to find back my own space ..i need a place to recuperate and get my energy back to zest.. But will i be up and going again after the rest?

Someone ever once told me that if i really stands out i will be the brightest stars that shines among all. I wonder will this star of mine be able to shine ever so bright up in the dark night sky? This star of mine is flickering like the candle in the wind and fading slowing like the dying roses in the field...

Its between me and Him... its all because of Him... because there is much love for Him, i contested with my soul. Because of Him i long to be make whole. All because of my love for Him so easily read by others yet so hard to follow.

Because of Him, i believe.. i really try hard to believe life can be better for me.. because of this hope in Him that is undying that keeps me holding on until my heart bleeds, my hands brusied with blisters. I dont want to let go.. i am afraid to let Him go ... i really want to hold onto the rope of hope as tight as i can close to my heart...

Read a friend's blog today and i thought she describes well of what Life is...

"To me, life is a journey where you never know which day it ends but you always celebrate the day of its beginning. Every decision you make, everyone you touch, everything you say make up of life events. How exciting will your life be really depend on YOUR CHOICE! Even God give us a choice either to be with him or
away from HIM. And I am thankful to have HIM in my life".

I cant agree any further with what she says.. i wish i can be as strong as her being so determined come what may that she will not be so easily swayed by life trials..

God has promised us that in our weakness we are make strong in Him. In our distress we can look for Him for life's answers...

What if the answers didnt come? What if .. what if... what if...

If God is here today what will i ask Him??? Too many questions on my mind to be answered. But i know that God works in a mysterious way.. i dont know where my sherperd is going to lead me... beside King David's still waters? Or Moses's red sea? Or maybe at garden gesthmane where i find Him down on His knees praying for me?

Trials indeed make us more stronger... hopefully not to hardening of our hearts.. Testings makes us more human .. hopefully not to become inhumane.

With all these unanswered questions, life is indeed is a long journey. What you are today is the choice we make yesterday.. whether happy or sad, angry or mad?

Decisions upon decisions... one day when our lives is over and the big revealed comes to stand.. and maybe just one day... God is going to astound us what is life all about!