Fallen...

Cant believe it, this marks my 100th post on this blog. Have this bitter sweet feeling. Bitter as i can blog all my frustrations and feelings.. Sweet is because i like to contain happy memories :)

Sometimes i wonder anyone understand me? I guess many times i am always very often been misunderstood. What my friends see me as what i am is not what they get? Maybe to them, i am just a fun, easy going gal.. someone who values friendship. Its true to certain extend. But this is only part of what they are seeing me. I have been hiding... running... how long am i going to run? How long am i going to hide what is within me?

I got a ride home last week from a friend after a run... and she posed me a question, wondering why there are so many broken families and break up among people.. Maybe to her coming from a good family background she may not be able to comprehend as all her life she has been living a shelter and protected life from lack, uncertainities, fears, shame etc... its a good thing being raised in a such a wonderful family but not many people i will say to have such a priviledge. But what matter most how we end our life, though the start maybe a tough one :) End of the matter is always better than the beginning...

Sometimes in life, you dont really have what you wish for... screw up again big time this time. That night i was with him. Seriously i really dont know why i was with him... we came so close yet so far. We are so different in culture, background, colour of skin, yet some kind of forces brought us together. Know him for almost 4 years... kind of tic-a-tac relation and i wonder where are we heading?

Yes i enjoy his company, i enjoy having someone to hold, to be cherish and value as a woman, to have fun with, someone just to be there to cook and clean up and doing things together.. but after all the excitement has gone... when the curtian has drawn away reality hits. The truth hurts but this time i guess i have no regrets. I have no second thoughts about us. We know the rule of the game... Yes i cried to sleep last nite, the pain in my heart is indescrible, feeling is so unbearable.

Tried to talk to a friend today but i held back... i cant trust anyone... i feel so withdrawn and alienated... i havent been sharing much about my life since one of my avid listener is busy with motherhood... i am not blaming her.. Everyone has priorities i understand, everyone is moving on with their own life, who would want to care? Even if they wanted too.. i dont want to impose them anymore... I know my friends love me, but i find it hard to accept it.. will they still love me after they know the other part of me? Will they still accept me after the dark is brought out of light? :)

Yes, i am afraid for the first time about peoples' opinion... hearing them saying why u do it again? why u dont cherish yourself?? etc... u have cheapen your call etc... i dont need them to tell me what i already know, but who really can understand what i am going through? I am so afraid to share, words will spread like wild fire... I cant trust anyone... i am so afraid of that look of condemnation.

Suddenly i realised how that adultery woman must have felt... not that i was in any adultery, but from the perception point of her view i stood, i finally understand her position. I really do understand. When i get to heaven, if i see her there i will go and find her :)

I know how it feels like when u need someone to hold yet you find no one true. All those man are after something else and after use... she has been discarded, put away with... and i can understand how she must have felt. Dirty, lonely, separated, misunderstood by friends and people around her just dont understand why she cant love and respect herself ( i am sure her friends will ask her to wait for a better man to come along, but yet she didnt. Sure i believe she has tarry hard and long enough, but yet she give in to temptation..)

I really can identity how miserable she must have felt one man after another... i am sure its not a heat of passion, i believe she is more sober than anyone else... she just needed someone to hold to have a sense of belonging...

But thank God, at least Jesus didnt cast the first stone at her. If He has done that, i guess He will start casting stones to many. Yet He pick her up and cleanse her, forgive her and asking her to move on and sin no more. Thank God for such a wonderful saviour. I know if im in her shoes, i will have a portion of His forgiveness too...

Sometimes when i look at my friends, though they may face different trials and challenges, but their life is much simpler i feel. Maybe i am really asking for it. Its all about choices we make. What we do today determine our tomorrow. This time i wonder do i still have detours.. U-turns to go? I felt dead, among the living...

My heart is heavy, I will try not to cry again tonight...i know we will still meet, i know life goes on.. but we know it will have no end... letting go is hard, forgetting is even harder... Come what may, what have i not been through? I have been through the worse and yet i have survive :)