Zumba Rumba ~ Towards A New Me. 

Today I decided to do something quite unusual of me, I decide to try Zumba out at home.  I have heard that this exercise is very tiring and it causes you to sweat like crazy... so I decide to try.

Oh well, it is so tiring... I literally sweat like a pig.  During half time through this exercise, I have alot of mixed feelings.. I have to cope with my panting breath and yet I have to go against all odds of the muscles pain discomforts.  I begin to cry half way while exercising, not because its painful or difficult, but its the layers of shield that I have been putting high up like "Berlin Wall" trying to fence out any emotional attacks from the past.

I used to be a "normal girl" I wasnt that big like what people see me now.  The little girl that is within me lives inside of me and I just wanted to eat my way out to feel comforted, to have a form of protection for me from getting hurt.  Emotional eating is bad, but seriously is comforting.  Food has been my best fren and comfort for many many years... People come and goes in my life and I cant help to feel used and abuse by them..  but I can say food is my only constant source of comfort whenever that "seasons" came.

I felt painful emotionally.  Because this girl who has been hidding inside the skelton closet is coming out surely but slowly.  Its a painful process.  Every exercise that I do it brings me closer to facing my past, a place that I hate to re-visit.  But I cant run away forever anymore.  Its like going through circles round and round and unless I break it, life will have no new continuity for me.

Last time I have tried to exercise and take pills, but the motive behind it was to look fab so that I may get my dream man and live a fairy tale life...  I failed terribly as I know I am not facing the root of my problems.  Wake up Chris, in life there are no fairy tales!

This time, I desire to change.  I want to be a better me.  Not that I want to have a fairy tale ending anymore (but if it happens, it happens).  But I realise that as you age, health is very important.  I wonder what was I thinking when I was gorging with all the good old junk food having stored in my body for years!?? What was I thinking?! 

Jane has known the truth long ago and it set her free :)  It took me so long to realise it!  I hope is not too late to start again!  She has been my so call "trainer" but I have failed terribly hehehe... 

I was doing for myself, I wanted to love myself too.  I know I havent been treating her well :( with all those food abuses.  I also wanted my parents to be proud of me at least for this.  I really wanted to be a new me... I am scared, but I will go through it layer by layer...



God knows how painful the process is... From emotionally eating disorder to getting it right for the first time.  I am just tired of all life nonsense.  Sometimes an escape to the "wild" may do me good.  Sometimes I wonder what have I not done that I deserve trial after trials... 

Like what Mother Teresa say: Life is a challenge, Meet it!

Everyone goes through tough times, and sometimes when we thought that its an end.. but is only a bend at the other corner where we may find happines.  I really wish that all of us will be happy.  Happiness is an inside job!  I really want to be happy!  Love Life, Love People & importantly Love God!

Now I know why God has allowed me to shift to new office...  This new shifting in office to Outram has allowed me to meet a new friend, Jennifer.  She is "God sent" for this season of my life to help me to face my ugly past once again.  God really does works in a mysterious ways.  We thought that we have come to the end of ourselves but there is always something new over the horizon.

So many feelings have surface this few weeks... I wish I have someone to talk too...  I know I am alone yet not alone.  Dear God, my life is in You, my strength is in You and my hope is in You, in You.. is in You.

Pray together with me, Stay together with me as we continue this life challenges journey call LIFE <3>