Inspite Of...

Met up my friend M for lunch on saturday, as usual my favourite hang out place Parkway Parade. We are just having some small chats and sharing about God. How He brought me throughout all these years...

My this little friend has been drifting away from God :) maybe she feels that there is more than life in that outside world and as months went by.. her direction in her life seems to be blur through life stains and became frustrated with everything. That bubble gal in that bubble world... the bubble seems to burst and reality saps in.. welcome to the school of hard knocks :)

Sounds familiar to me i thought... my mind went all the way back to memory lane few years ago and how i thought i am through with God and never want to have anything to do with Him and His people anymore! I feel so many rules and regulation to abide at that time i thought i really wanted to find my own life, a Christless life without God. Like a small gal in this big big world out there where temptations are colourful and where wolves are awaiting to devour me :(

Leaving God at that moment seems to have this so call burden lifted up from me, i thought i am free indeed... but as i enjoyed the world outside, i begin to miss Home. Just like the portgual son, few years of wasted living... I started missing church, missing all my friends.. missing God and ultimately i miss His presence.

I learn many valuable lessons while i am out in the world, met different men, end up with wrong relationships.. and having countless of heartbreaks.. and i thought i am going to be Mrs Chia when he popped the question.. thinking thats it my life has been planned, just like those normal mandanue people walking through life in this cycle, falling in love and getting married etc... Somehow i just know he is not the man i am going to marry, but when your soul is tired you just need a harbour to rest upon and so i said Yes to him...

One day i cried out to God and i wanted Him badly in my life again, be careful what you pray for... things started to happen so instanteously that before i know it our relationship is over. A waved of relieved came over me. Though i feel its a pity and of cos there is sure amount of sadness that our love didnt blosoom but i am glad its over and i have moved on since then not looking back.

Then my friend interrupted my thought as i was thinking... she asked me a question... she said that do you feel lonely? After seeing so many friends pairing up one by one.. and living a happy ever after marriage life.. Oh mine what a question! She was asking how i feel and why God didnt play fair to me all these while when i am in church, staying faithful to the call and why didnt God fulfilled the desires of my heart? Why did God allow things to happen in my life? Why didnt He bless me etc...

At that moment, i felt like Job in the bible..hahah.. really.. of cos my life cant be compare to him but i felt the challenge again as she was throwing me all thoses questions.. Actually, everytime whenever i lay my head on my bed i often thought of all these question to sleep at nite.

Yes of cos i am a human i do feel lonely, everyone needs a hand to hold at the end of our life journey. I was angry at God at one point of time thinking why my desires didnt come to pass? I didnt ask much. I didnt ask to win a million dollar.. or wanted to be the most attractive person in the world.. my desires are small and yet not hidden but why didnt He give me? At that time i felt forsaken and forgotten wanting to go back to my cave for a good retreat not wanting to come out of my closet.

God always have His ways with me, i guess beside my grandma, He knows me best :)

I told my friend, yes there is no doubt to feel this way, but if i love God just because of what He can do for me... then where is the genunity of my love for Him? Christianity was never meant to a bed of roses, but inspite of all the trials, testings, uncertainity and unanswered prayer we still want to thank God for all He has done and what He is going to do. I believe God will not short change me, He will give me double :)

Pastor Kong mentioned today when we dont get what we desire now is because God has a greater and better plan for us. Yes i believe delay is not denial. I will wait upon God patiently for things to come to past.

I realised that my love for God has deepened ... all i can say is i want to run to Him when i am hurting, after all He has been my silent support all these years even when i dont see His hands moving, i will still trust His heart.

To Jesus, I love you, I love you...

Oh as for my little friend, if you happen to see my blog, just to let you know... hang in there ya? You are never alone :) Who knows you will see that light in that tunnel? Your directions of life now maybe blurred but go to Him .. let your tears washed away all your fears and anxieties and i am sure your vision for your life will soon be clear, the day will come and soon you will be able to sing and dance in the field again moving up to your moutain top after your valley experiences ... just keep on walking.. dont stop and dont look back :)

I believe in you and i am sure you will know how to find your way back home... awaiting for your return soon ~ little lamb.