Down Times...

So many things wanted to pen down my feelings tonight. I have been bottling up for weeks... i wanted to share with someone but i held it tight within me.. i was thinking again of others opinion .. i could hardly breathe, all i can feel is there is an ache in my heart that wont want to go away, feels like my heart has been slit open again..how it hurts.. it really hurts.. :(

yes... i have wet my pillow again last night... call me foolish, call me a moron... I am at my crossroad, what are we now? Where are we going? This seems so endless... A friend of mine said its been the same problem since 3 years she has known me but its just different man each time?

Well i beg to differ. I have tried to resist some temptations that has come my way throughout all these years but yet i succeeded, cos i felt that there is no one worth of those so call man that has come my way...

Until i reunited with him again after the cold war we have years ago.. He is not a tenth man in everything. He is independence, has a mind of his own, clever, fun loving, sensitive but yet despite of all the cooperate ladder of success he may climb... man will always be man, when come in terms with the affairs of the heart, they will tend to shut down emotionally, not ready or willing to confront.

In the end, we avoid the big "C" question. It scares him off and it fears me too if what i want to hear is not what i wanted to know. I am not saying that i know man inside out, but at least i have been through a fair share to understand them.

Man, either u love them or hate them. It makes you go over the mountain top when love is sweet, but makes u sink into deeper depression when things turns bitter. Well, he is not a bad man after all... he may have his imperfection and flaws. He has his concerns and struggles too. I understand him fairly..If only life is simpler.

I thought about him very often. I wanted to let him go many times but failed. Seriously i really don't know where am i heading? Have not been hearing from him few days ago and my mind went blank.. i wasn't myself especially when night fall.. i feel so alone, so cold, so helpless and i hated the heartache of missing him... this drives me crazy... until a message came just now, he was away overseas and just got back home.

A sign of relieve came over me when i know he is intact, and i am so happy again to hear from him... you may be thinking why am i so useless? Why do i have to let a man deter my feelings... i really don't know. I am a love moron.. laugh at me i dont mind. its a fact :)

No doubt about it, its true that i like him more, i gave in more to our relations. Isn't it love about giving? But isn't love about both ways too? Its so complex. Maybe its just a physical company we are missing.

This afternoon i talk to a cute little friend of mine... she is so funny... she said that he is an 'ugly' man cos he makes me cry.. and when i heard that i don't know how to respond. haha... and she told me that she will pray for my happiness to come and she don't want her friends to be so unhappy... its very sweet of her. And sincerely i have felt her genuine love for this friendship.

What will i be if i am without friends to hold? One of the things i thank God for is friendship. Friends that is always there for me, listen to me, sort things out with me, pray for me... its is priceless.. you know who u are friends.. i know u will read my blog "wink" :) i thank God for all of you...

I dont know where this road of life will lead us... i will just keep on walking no matter how painful it feels...