Where does my heartbeat now?

My feelings is just like tonight's weather... cold, wet and unfriendly. I am feeling very despair. Nothing unusual, i just feel very sad and disheartened.. I was very very disappointed i couldnt see him during the weekend. Supposed to meet up with him, we have agreed to meet but last minute and sms from him has dashed my longings.. he has to be in KL for business and cant make it home on time :(

I was all ready and really looking forward to spend a day with him and was hopeful as i had stored up all my longings for him last week. But an sms from him had ruin all. I feel that my longing has been crushed and i hated the heartbeat of missing him. I know we will meet again, but i know we are running out of time. He may go any minute and i am just wanting to spend as much time with him as possible.

Fate like to makes spot on people. Maybe its God's will? Who knows? Why cant i have some happy moments with him before he goes away for a long time? Maybe we aren't meant to be from start. I tried to let go... treating as normal, but i know that even if i can fool others of how funny or jovial in front of my friends, i know i cant fool myself with the feelings i have.

In a relationship, i know i tend to give more. Thats me. Even though, to be love is better to love others.. i cant help it. Between us, i am the more giving party.

Wanted to catch some sleep but i cant, damn it, my pillow is wet again! Looks like my dark rings are surfacing.. What is the point? Why am i still clinging on? I wanted to share with my friends how i feel but i guess its not necessary. What can they say? Maybe they will end up 'mocking' at me. Thinking why am i so insistent of not wanting to let go.

I dont need any other sets of opinion, i realised that i have withdrawn alot emotionally. Not that i dont want to share but whats the point of saying? I just want them to understand my feelings. But its useless la. No one can help me so whats the point of sharing. Time to retreat to my cave.. call me coward, call me fearful, i just dont know what to do.

I think it will take a long time to heal... God has somehow been forgotten at the back of my mind. I just feel so tough to hang on.. could feel my heart bleeding once again. If relation is so painful and so uncertain, then why does it exist in the first place?

Well, at least i am looking for a break to KL with my closer group of friends. Just want to let my hair down to rest and hopefully i wont think of him so much.

My feelings is so unexplainable, maybe i will just rest it. A thought just came into my mind, maybe its better to be alone, lest i feel hurt again. Should i closed all doors? Or let the wounds heal and be more careful with my heart?

Used to think two is better than one, however, i am not so sure this time... perhaps.. perhaps i belong to the "less fortunate" one. Where is the love?

爱是什麽 什麽人懂
所以 别难过
心还痛吗 请忘了吧
所谓幸福 是个童话
後来的我 一切随意
所以 没关系