Knowing Your Seasons

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under the heaven (eccle 3:1)

These are the opening scriptures given by Pastor Ulf on Friday Service. I went there early to get seats and along with it... i went with a heavy heart... things i dont understand, got quite "tormented" last week... dont know why.. maybe i let my defenses down, thats probably why.

But this time round God didnt let me dwell on my own world for too long... He wouldnt let me too. As Pastor was preaching about seasons... i felt it speaks to me.. Be ready for your seasons... and if we know whr we are we will not miss God's timing.

Truth keep hitting me... and suddenly i could see the clouds of doubts are clearing, doubts of uncertainties, doubts that are never meant to be. How can i be so blind to see God is working in my life, and preparing me to go to the next level with him.

Lets not miss knowing which seasons of life we are in and lets be prepare for it when the it rains on us..

Love Is Beautiful


Decided to blog this beautiful love story and have decided to post it online and dedicated to one of my close friend.

Finally the moment of truth has arrival... Today my dear friend has stopped in her search for her missing piece and has found her heart landed in a home :) im so happy for her. She is a very nice gal, always accommodating... always an obliging. Many ppl are drawn to her bcos of her character.. but of cos bcos of her background it can be intimaditing being her friend.

I remember how i get to know her when i first got transfer into this new cell group, infact she is the one who first talked to me. I know i can look scary at that time but dont know whr she got such a courage and come and talk to me and be my friend.

I should say it wasnt easy for her to get into my world... maybe its God so divinely arrange in such a way tat we have become friends. Since then, things in my life has been changing. God has use her to rebuild my walls, my issues in my heart... She see things and pick up things where no one notices. She is someone tat is always ready to bless and ready to give.

I know that she has come a long way in her life and went thru quite a tough times before. How she gives up her "Isaac" for a better promise, for a better plan in God. Life is tough and full of many choices, but she still chose God . And it came to pass, God brought her a man... a man that she has been dreaming for...a man that is brave enough to tell her he loves her, a man tat is strong yet has a heart as sensitive as hers... a man tat heart just beats for her... and most importantly... a man that his heart beats for God.

I can see so many things unfold one by one in her life and i can see blessings started to pour in. She is so bless and she will be bless :) Sometimes its only when we give ur precious to God and let this mircale maker work thru us. I guess all of us who love them shared their joy, love is in the air and i can see her beaming from cheek to cheek yesterday. And i cant wait for my turn to unfold... God works thru seasons and guess this shall be hers.

God can sped things up and slow things down... for those who are still waiting for the long awaited promises to come... take heart... the person you have been pinning for is on the way... Get ready... who knows it will be your season of season soon... Just sit tight and let God be God.

So with all my love and blessings... May God bless and hold them happy ever after... :)

Summary Of My Heart

Its late at night again... guess most of the people are already dreaming... dead to the world sleeping and maybe in dreamyland.. but for me its not a norm for me to sleep early in weekends as i guess it a waste of time to sleep....

As usual stay up late again this saturday nite... outside my window i still can hear some car buzing by... right here in my room... im enjoying the stillness of the nite with a santa claus radio by myside. Guess this radio has help me to get by some quiet moments of my life and whenever im writing a blog... it has been with me since then.. nothing extra-ordinary... just a simple gift from a friend... at times when i cant get to sleep it was on and was beside me thru out the nite...

Over the next room, my grandma's cough broke the silence of the nite... she has been sick this week and i pray that she will recover soon...Since young, my granny has been a pillar of my strength, she is the one who knows me most... she knows wat i like, my dislikes... she knows all the flaws and the mistakes i have made, but yet i know she loves me most... and i cant thank God enough for her to come into my life and be under her wing since young... She is more than a granny to me... she is just like my mom... i cant imagine what life will have been all these years if she is not by myside...

Last week, we have a prayer meeting after church.. it was a good one. As far as i can remember pastor ask us to pray for our family salvation... i was praying half way ... suddenly i just feel too much emotions bottling up, i begin to break down and cry and cry... i suddenly feel the burden of their souls... i just wanted God to desparately saved them. I want to see them in heaven. All along, i thought i dont really value family ties, but there and then, i felt so burden for my family.

After prayer meeting, i went fellowship and follow by a dinner with my family. My dad threw a dinner to appreciate some of the relatives that has helped him all along and though i was sitting over the over table, i enjoyed talking to my sister's-in-laws.. they are such a loving couple and i can still see sparks in their eyes though they have been marriage for years.. I guess love should be like that, the longer it gets the stronger it becomes and the bond between two become one.

When dinner is done, dad walk towards me and show his affection to me... asking me did i enjoy my dinner and if im full. I was touched by his guestures once again :) some may think its just a normal way of asking their kids but to me even such a simple concern warms my heart. My dad has been great. Though he may not see me grow up much thru my childhood years but i still want to thank God that im part of the plan in this family. Many times i struggled, wish that im being born into a better family whr everything is being provided for on the table, people will tend to look up to the rich and despies the poor... even the bible says so.

In fact many times, i struggled and wrestled with God with so many questions & uncertainties in my life and at times im so bitter about life how its so unfair.. why do people have it all, whatever they wanted they are being provided for etc.. but time and time again God has won me over and over again... despite of so many unanswered questions.

I was talking to a friend today and was telling her that everything in life is part of His plan and purpose. Is just like the people you meet, the things you do, the decisions u make whether right or wrong, there is always and unseen force, someone from above watching every steps we take. I believe it is God who watches our steps, and im grateful to Him.

Though i know i may not be the first choice, though i may not have much to offer, though i may not be always the most popular ones, the most being sought after ones by people, the most beautiful ones, the most watever... i know God loves me just the way i am. At times, i really find hard to come in terms to believe God still loves me after all the monsters things i have done, but whenever im soak in His presence... His love convicted me.

God please help my unbelief.. in as much as i want to believe all good things will come to me. All my life, people thought that im so carefree nothing to worry for, i think every person will have to face different sets of problems. Im trying to very hard to love myself. trying to stay postive, and trying to believe that people will accept me the way i am. I find hard to love myself, even though friends tell me i have a gift of influnce and likes to dig deep into people's life... thats why so of the people dont really want to get close to me as they are afraid that i would make them feel so "naked" and vunerable with their weakness before me.

This was never meant to be, im just being myslf and i will do watever i can to help whoever in need (even though im in a recovery stage of my life too). But some they dont see it this way, andwith or without knowingly, some remarks or conversation they pass on me can be very hurting. Im a sensitive being. And i tend to feel more than others. I just want and try to help but in the end i got hurt. When im hurt i will withdraw. When i withdraw, i will go into my own world... It will be a work of God to heal me and get me of to talking..

Since my backsliding years when im in the world... i learn one thing, there is no free lunch on this earth. Whatever people do good to me there is always a motive. But i know it doesnt happen in God's Kingdom. I know that people just love and accept me of who i am but recently this bad thought just surfaced, i really cant accept to be love by my church friends... call it rejection or whatever, i find it hard to recieve it, in as much as i wanted too. It's just as if an imaginary wall has block my heart from receiving the love from others... i can give love and love others but i cant really let people to love me. i find it hard to accept.. thinking that there must be a catch in everything they do. Its very bad of me to think this way.. but i dont know why i feel this way.....

Ok ok... i think i got to stop to pen.. if not it will be endless.. its almost close to 3am ... the streets has been silence maybe most of the people are really into dreamland unlike me :) the santa claus radio is still beside me.. playing songs and i guess im going to my secret place to catch Him if i can... :)

Valentine's Day

Many may wonder... how does Valentine's Day come about... I have manage to found a story about Valentine on the net... So Just want to wish all the lovers and friends... Happy Valentine's Day....

A St. Valentine's Story

Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. That was long, long ago!

At that time, Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. I didn't like Emperor Claudius, and I wasn't the only one! A lot of people shared my feelings. Claudius wanted to have a big army. He expected men to volunteer to join. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families.

As you might have guessed, not many men signed up. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. So Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I certainly wasn't going to support that law!

Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favourite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies -- secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.

One night, we did hear footsteps. It was scary! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told that my punishment was death.

I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love.

One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, "Love from your Valentine."

I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember.

But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh -- because they know that love can't be beaten!

He Is Not Someone Meant Not To Be


12 Februray 2006, 1.00 am

Recieved a phone call last nite from him and we meet again. This time, somehow the feeling i have for him seems to changed. Maybe the decision which i have make earlier this week cause me feel this way. I have decided to move on with my life... with or without hiim. I know that sometimes the emotional attachment is there, but guess i have to manage it well and when he talks about his catholic faith... for a moment right away i know that he is not the man for me... Kinda of sad at first, thinking that he is the one ... but come to think of it.. i always tell myself, God will have a better someone for me :)

Like what Pastor Zhuang once told me before, ' When a man make a decision, the decision he make will make the men'. I have made up my mind :) and i will chose to go on ahead with God. Dont know where the road of life will lead me too.. but i know that God will be there to guide me.

My Family

Havent been home for quite awhile, i never like go home. To go back home to is like ending my freedom. Today is my dad birthday, i went to meet my sister and parents at Hougang mall for dinner..

My parents are such a simple folks... but yet a loving couple one. Love that has weathered all years and yet it kept them strong. Sometimes i really wished i can go back home and enjoy the warmth of my family... at times i think staying away will be just nice.. haha...

But anyway, we went to Han's for dinner.. I order my dad favourite fried rice, and somehow i feel good about the whole evening while i was with them, acutally i miss home. I missed my dad, how he will come and give me a pack on my back and massages me... hahaha.. he is not an expert on this and it always leave pain on my back.. but i know its a guesture for him to show me he loves me.

Actually i feel alot for my dad, on the outside, he may seems to be nice and friendly, but i know he needed God to heal him on the inside. How i wish i can just take away all the pain and despair he is feeling... Maybe man is man... they always tend to hide their feelings from their love ones. Called it ego, call it pride, but i hope he wil not hide.

My mum is more expressive, maybe being a woman she tend to voice out more vocal. In my house, my mum call shots... and my dad does the work sometimes.. and since young, i never like my mum, our views dont always meet. She is the discipline head mistress of this house.

We went shopping that sunday and my mum held on to my hand. I was happy on the inside and my heart melt... i know it i know it my mum loves me too..
But guess that the way we care for each other is different from others.

One of my resolution this year is to spend more time by visiting them more often... besides that is a place where i call home...

17 years and still going...

Today is a day where i got excited 5 Jan 06, finally i will be going to have lunch with Pastors and the pioneers in church. I was excited to see them, thinking who will still be in church.

Thinking back, how 17 years has just passed by, it just feel like yesterday when i first went to church. It was God who found me back then in Parkway... it was a moment i will never forget.

Met many familiar faces, and so glad to see them still staying fervent for God. Church is growing and getting bigger, didnt really have the chance to see all of them. But this lunch is gathering is good time for us to remise abt the good times we shared. People are more into getting in touch with each other rather than the food.. haha.. this is the first time i realise that food is not the main objective at all :)

Most of the people i know, they have already started their family, for a moment, i thought i feel so left behind.. but i know it wont be long i will have someone to call my own.. The end of the matter is always better than the begining. I just got to wait and be patient for him to appear.

Have been wanting to meet up with Pastor Kong, wondering did he still remember this little gal who used to call him brother kong. But kinda of disappointed i didnt get to see him, he is sick.. for the 2nd time after 2o yrs of serving God.

Over the teleconversation, i could hear pastor's weak voice, never in my life that i have seen the vunerable side of him. Sun and Dyan is away from home and he alone in the house. When one is sick, no matter how strong a man is there will always be a softer side of him. One thing i know, pastor love us very much. He has lay down his whole life to serve God and us, which better place i can be then to be here? Im so glad to be part of the begining...

This 17 yrs is not an easy journey, many people chose to back out, many still chose to move on... but for me i want to stay in God's house... its where i have found my home here. May we have many more happy years ahead till God come for us again.

He Touched Me

Went to church last week empty and dry ... yet my heart is longing to get a touch from God again. God never fail. He is always on time, not only he sent His presence, He sent his word.
Delirious was leading the service with prasie and worship, and once the service starts His presence ushered in.

I cry buckets in the presence of my God and i know he must have kept my tears.. Tears of fears.. tears of longing... tears of uncertainty, before i know it, it was dissolved in the presence of my King. God gave my weary heart to sing. His comfort is what i needed, just once touched from Him surpassess thousands words of man.

His presence is what i need. I feel charge up and can go on with my life.. facing the sun and walk many miles... :)

Another poem ... For God written by me:

Your word rains down on me whenever I feel weak
It refreshes me everytime when im in need

It soothes away all my pain
And always causes me to hope again

Lord you are the one I adore
And I love you with my all

Jesus take me now as I am
Do your will unto me accordingly to your plan

Till we meet each other face to face
I will continue to move on in this life's pace so
Lord I ask you to give me grace
Help me to end well this race

Jesus My All

You are my comfort, my hope my all
when life gives me no reason to have it all

I will go and run to you and pray
And I know my answers is on the way

Your word oh Lord i depend
And every trial i will pass the test

So with each new day that come my way
Hope I can shine for you every day

(composer: by me :)

What is meant to be is to be...


I have been out of sight, out of mind here. Just to much to blog too much feelings to reveal.

After the emotional attachment i have felt for him, i guess he is looking for a companion more than a hand to hold. Last week, my emotions went on a roller coaster ride! Up and down and ... high and low... the feeling is exciting but yet unbearable at times. I guess i have out grown my guessing game.. hide and seek.. guessing who likes who more. I think if a man will to really like a lady, he will make the first move and then the rest is history...

Whether who likes who or if there is a happy ending i guess there is no gurantee.. Nothing in life is for sure.. the house u live, friends that u have, people you hold dear too.. They may be here today and gone tomorrow. Thats why God calls us to put our hope in Him.

Have been unhappy last week, things just happened so fast, just within few days.. so many things have come at one time and how i wish i can see the lighter side of life. I supposed temptations comes in many different.

Just before my heart is calm by the raging storms... another wave from the shore came crashing in.. Another call me out of the blue... God knows how i have weakness for this person in the past, he is long gone in my mind... I have told him to move on.. all i can do is to leave him and say no to his advances... but he called again and stir my wavering heart.

A wave of depression sets in as i heard him over the other side of the phone. What should i do? How should l react? I feel so weak on my kness when he called. Oh my God, why do i have to go through this over and over again? I guess the devil knows when and where to hit the hardest. The more i say no to him.. the more my heart bleed, i felt so torn about. Its impossible for us to be together, no matter how much i wanted too.. He is someone's else and i tell myself im not going to make any more silly mistakes. The thoughts of him still linger within me and its really between my own self desire and my conviction... I told myself to be strong in order to go on. How worse can my situtation be? I have brave thru all storms. I have to hold on, im a surviour at all cost.

I cant turn back now... i dont want to start all over again, the only option left for me is to walk on with God, even if it takes for me to crawl on ground. I just have to keep walking and moving along with him. I dont want to run ahead of God. I just want to leave it to my beautifu Saviour..
God is good to me, even bad things does happen to good people. But there is no doubt about His nature, He will guide my path as i continue to trust in my Abba..

From Me To You God...

A Pslam of David

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so I long for you, O God.

I thirst for God, the living God.

When can I come and stand before Him?

Day and night I have only tears for food,

while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,

"Where is this God of yours?'

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be:

I walked among the crowds of worshipers,

leading a great procession to the house of God,

singing for joy and giving thanks-

it was the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discourage?

Why so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember your kindness-

from Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas

as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

Though each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

"O God my rock," I cry,

"Why have you forsaken me?

Why must I wander in darkness,

oppressed by my enemies?"

Their taunts pierce me like a fatal wound.

They scoff,"Where is this God of yours?"

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again-

my Savior and my God!

(Psalms 42:1-11 NLT)

Happiness

If happines is like a piece of cake, i think i will not have immediately gobble it up. Because if i do so... happiness will be gone for long...

If happiness is like a piece of cake, i will admire it and slowly eat it to enjoy the sweetmess of it happiness that last.

But to many people, what is really happiness all about? To some being happy is just being at ease with themself. Some are just being happy while others are happy. Some just means to lead a simple life.. have a roof over their heads.. Some being happy is finding a heart a home...

Happiness comes and goes.. its just like come today and gone tomorrow. You can never determine whether you will be happy tomorrow...

Whatever the reason maybe i guess happiness is a state of mind. We can chose or allow ourselves to be happy or wallow up in self-pity.

For me, i want to be happy, single or attached. Cherished every moment good or bad. Because u never know who is going to fall in love with your smile :)

May we follow our heart till we find our rainbows of happiness..