Summary Of My Heart

Its late at night again... guess most of the people are already dreaming... dead to the world sleeping and maybe in dreamyland.. but for me its not a norm for me to sleep early in weekends as i guess it a waste of time to sleep....

As usual stay up late again this saturday nite... outside my window i still can hear some car buzing by... right here in my room... im enjoying the stillness of the nite with a santa claus radio by myside. Guess this radio has help me to get by some quiet moments of my life and whenever im writing a blog... it has been with me since then.. nothing extra-ordinary... just a simple gift from a friend... at times when i cant get to sleep it was on and was beside me thru out the nite...

Over the next room, my grandma's cough broke the silence of the nite... she has been sick this week and i pray that she will recover soon...Since young, my granny has been a pillar of my strength, she is the one who knows me most... she knows wat i like, my dislikes... she knows all the flaws and the mistakes i have made, but yet i know she loves me most... and i cant thank God enough for her to come into my life and be under her wing since young... She is more than a granny to me... she is just like my mom... i cant imagine what life will have been all these years if she is not by myside...

Last week, we have a prayer meeting after church.. it was a good one. As far as i can remember pastor ask us to pray for our family salvation... i was praying half way ... suddenly i just feel too much emotions bottling up, i begin to break down and cry and cry... i suddenly feel the burden of their souls... i just wanted God to desparately saved them. I want to see them in heaven. All along, i thought i dont really value family ties, but there and then, i felt so burden for my family.

After prayer meeting, i went fellowship and follow by a dinner with my family. My dad threw a dinner to appreciate some of the relatives that has helped him all along and though i was sitting over the over table, i enjoyed talking to my sister's-in-laws.. they are such a loving couple and i can still see sparks in their eyes though they have been marriage for years.. I guess love should be like that, the longer it gets the stronger it becomes and the bond between two become one.

When dinner is done, dad walk towards me and show his affection to me... asking me did i enjoy my dinner and if im full. I was touched by his guestures once again :) some may think its just a normal way of asking their kids but to me even such a simple concern warms my heart. My dad has been great. Though he may not see me grow up much thru my childhood years but i still want to thank God that im part of the plan in this family. Many times i struggled, wish that im being born into a better family whr everything is being provided for on the table, people will tend to look up to the rich and despies the poor... even the bible says so.

In fact many times, i struggled and wrestled with God with so many questions & uncertainties in my life and at times im so bitter about life how its so unfair.. why do people have it all, whatever they wanted they are being provided for etc.. but time and time again God has won me over and over again... despite of so many unanswered questions.

I was talking to a friend today and was telling her that everything in life is part of His plan and purpose. Is just like the people you meet, the things you do, the decisions u make whether right or wrong, there is always and unseen force, someone from above watching every steps we take. I believe it is God who watches our steps, and im grateful to Him.

Though i know i may not be the first choice, though i may not have much to offer, though i may not be always the most popular ones, the most being sought after ones by people, the most beautiful ones, the most watever... i know God loves me just the way i am. At times, i really find hard to come in terms to believe God still loves me after all the monsters things i have done, but whenever im soak in His presence... His love convicted me.

God please help my unbelief.. in as much as i want to believe all good things will come to me. All my life, people thought that im so carefree nothing to worry for, i think every person will have to face different sets of problems. Im trying to very hard to love myself. trying to stay postive, and trying to believe that people will accept me the way i am. I find hard to love myself, even though friends tell me i have a gift of influnce and likes to dig deep into people's life... thats why so of the people dont really want to get close to me as they are afraid that i would make them feel so "naked" and vunerable with their weakness before me.

This was never meant to be, im just being myslf and i will do watever i can to help whoever in need (even though im in a recovery stage of my life too). But some they dont see it this way, andwith or without knowingly, some remarks or conversation they pass on me can be very hurting. Im a sensitive being. And i tend to feel more than others. I just want and try to help but in the end i got hurt. When im hurt i will withdraw. When i withdraw, i will go into my own world... It will be a work of God to heal me and get me of to talking..

Since my backsliding years when im in the world... i learn one thing, there is no free lunch on this earth. Whatever people do good to me there is always a motive. But i know it doesnt happen in God's Kingdom. I know that people just love and accept me of who i am but recently this bad thought just surfaced, i really cant accept to be love by my church friends... call it rejection or whatever, i find it hard to recieve it, in as much as i wanted too. It's just as if an imaginary wall has block my heart from receiving the love from others... i can give love and love others but i cant really let people to love me. i find it hard to accept.. thinking that there must be a catch in everything they do. Its very bad of me to think this way.. but i dont know why i feel this way.....

Ok ok... i think i got to stop to pen.. if not it will be endless.. its almost close to 3am ... the streets has been silence maybe most of the people are really into dreamland unlike me :) the santa claus radio is still beside me.. playing songs and i guess im going to my secret place to catch Him if i can... :)