Inspite Of...

Met up my friend M for lunch on saturday, as usual my favourite hang out place Parkway Parade. We are just having some small chats and sharing about God. How He brought me throughout all these years...

My this little friend has been drifting away from God :) maybe she feels that there is more than life in that outside world and as months went by.. her direction in her life seems to be blur through life stains and became frustrated with everything. That bubble gal in that bubble world... the bubble seems to burst and reality saps in.. welcome to the school of hard knocks :)

Sounds familiar to me i thought... my mind went all the way back to memory lane few years ago and how i thought i am through with God and never want to have anything to do with Him and His people anymore! I feel so many rules and regulation to abide at that time i thought i really wanted to find my own life, a Christless life without God. Like a small gal in this big big world out there where temptations are colourful and where wolves are awaiting to devour me :(

Leaving God at that moment seems to have this so call burden lifted up from me, i thought i am free indeed... but as i enjoyed the world outside, i begin to miss Home. Just like the portgual son, few years of wasted living... I started missing church, missing all my friends.. missing God and ultimately i miss His presence.

I learn many valuable lessons while i am out in the world, met different men, end up with wrong relationships.. and having countless of heartbreaks.. and i thought i am going to be Mrs Chia when he popped the question.. thinking thats it my life has been planned, just like those normal mandanue people walking through life in this cycle, falling in love and getting married etc... Somehow i just know he is not the man i am going to marry, but when your soul is tired you just need a harbour to rest upon and so i said Yes to him...

One day i cried out to God and i wanted Him badly in my life again, be careful what you pray for... things started to happen so instanteously that before i know it our relationship is over. A waved of relieved came over me. Though i feel its a pity and of cos there is sure amount of sadness that our love didnt blosoom but i am glad its over and i have moved on since then not looking back.

Then my friend interrupted my thought as i was thinking... she asked me a question... she said that do you feel lonely? After seeing so many friends pairing up one by one.. and living a happy ever after marriage life.. Oh mine what a question! She was asking how i feel and why God didnt play fair to me all these while when i am in church, staying faithful to the call and why didnt God fulfilled the desires of my heart? Why did God allow things to happen in my life? Why didnt He bless me etc...

At that moment, i felt like Job in the bible..hahah.. really.. of cos my life cant be compare to him but i felt the challenge again as she was throwing me all thoses questions.. Actually, everytime whenever i lay my head on my bed i often thought of all these question to sleep at nite.

Yes of cos i am a human i do feel lonely, everyone needs a hand to hold at the end of our life journey. I was angry at God at one point of time thinking why my desires didnt come to pass? I didnt ask much. I didnt ask to win a million dollar.. or wanted to be the most attractive person in the world.. my desires are small and yet not hidden but why didnt He give me? At that time i felt forsaken and forgotten wanting to go back to my cave for a good retreat not wanting to come out of my closet.

God always have His ways with me, i guess beside my grandma, He knows me best :)

I told my friend, yes there is no doubt to feel this way, but if i love God just because of what He can do for me... then where is the genunity of my love for Him? Christianity was never meant to a bed of roses, but inspite of all the trials, testings, uncertainity and unanswered prayer we still want to thank God for all He has done and what He is going to do. I believe God will not short change me, He will give me double :)

Pastor Kong mentioned today when we dont get what we desire now is because God has a greater and better plan for us. Yes i believe delay is not denial. I will wait upon God patiently for things to come to past.

I realised that my love for God has deepened ... all i can say is i want to run to Him when i am hurting, after all He has been my silent support all these years even when i dont see His hands moving, i will still trust His heart.

To Jesus, I love you, I love you...

Oh as for my little friend, if you happen to see my blog, just to let you know... hang in there ya? You are never alone :) Who knows you will see that light in that tunnel? Your directions of life now maybe blurred but go to Him .. let your tears washed away all your fears and anxieties and i am sure your vision for your life will soon be clear, the day will come and soon you will be able to sing and dance in the field again moving up to your moutain top after your valley experiences ... just keep on walking.. dont stop and dont look back :)

I believe in you and i am sure you will know how to find your way back home... awaiting for your return soon ~ little lamb.

Forgiveness & Love Goes Hand In Hand

Was in Joyce Meyer service today and i enjoyed every part of it. What an inspiration role model preacher she was!

She was mentioning about how we need to love ourself and take care of God's temple and be able to live with ourself so that when we have a right standing we can let the love of God flow through us to other people.

Simple truth but yet i thought its a real challenge to do! Not many people like how they look, not many people are as accomodating to other people's weaknesses.. hmm... it only just take one to change our world.

Then she shared about her story of buying a soul instead of a house for her father who had sexually abused her when she was young. Loving your enemies even if you dont feel like too. You cant give what you dont have...

I pondered long and hard over this, and many times i wanted too and i have forgiven those who have hurt me. It was a long healing journey process though. And many times i really struggled hard to forgive. Its always a constant battle of our soul, and sometimes i even woke up with cold sweat and it can be depressing to dream that what if one day i run into him in church. Will my heart be as big as what i always pray to contain those who done me wrong? Will i run away? Will i hide again? What if.. what if..

Seriously i really dont know, but i know one thing for sure if that day do really come, God will not allow me to go through things which i cant handle :)

Actually i am waiting.. waiting not to see justice done. But rather i am waiting on God, God is not someone who will short change me after what i have went through and i know that he loves to be near the broken hearted. It will be exciting to anticipate what God is about to do in my life...

But i know all my desires will come to past... its just in a matter of time :)

JESUS

Cant get a wink last nite and i kept thinking about HIM. Thinking about what my life will not be if its not for HIM. Talk to HIM last nite and i feel HIM near in my room...

Dont know why this feeling seems so close yet so far.. then took out my hp and wrote this ...

With you...

Let your love washed over me tonight
As i pray and held my hands tight
Let all my insecurities and uncertainties fade
When i live in your presence each day

I long to be with you
I long to tell you what is inside me
My thoughts, my struggles, my feelings
And my everything

Please come inside my heart
And see if it's true that I love you

Lord my life is in your hands
Do it accordingly as you plan

Watched over me lest i stray
I just want to be with you all of my days

Yes its true, its true
My abba I do really love you.

GOD OF MY FOREVER

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul

God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Forever and ever Jesus
You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

~Reflections~

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day it's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world what's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think?

How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

One Love, One Life

Since i have such a long shut down from work this week, i decided to go home finally after so long :) When i reach my folks home, i saw this picture hanging on their room. This lovely picture was taken 2 years ago when my sister got married back then. It was such a joyous occassion and i stared long at this picture and sure being an emotional me... i do have things to say about this 4 letter word. Yet so simple but not many people can hold it... ~ LOVE ~

Have you wonder what kept our parents marriages alive after such a long time? I started to wonder what has actually kept their love burning? Though i may not grow up with my folks but i do see them loving each other in different ways. There are times where couple fights and quarrel.. there are even times when one is being throw out of the bedroom... hahah... ( i wonder why is always the man being kick out all the time?? ) haha...

At our parents time, all i can say is Love is really a matter of choice despite of the temperature of the heart. It really is... i tend to feel quite alot where some couples begin their marriage with red hot passion and soon it fades away either through life toils or by some other unforseen factor we outsider dont know.

This week i had an opportunity to go out with Joyce as usual we will go out to chill at town... always like her company though i always like to 'irriate' her.. haha... share a fair bit of our family, life, friends etc... i always enjoy my time out with her.

Then we went to a coffee place to rest our feet and have a drink, i saw a friend whom i have not seen in church for a very long time. My instinct told me that something is not right with him, his countenance gave him away. I knew something is not right then i told joyce that he might not be in church anymore and i guess maybe he is divorce. (Now please dont get me wrong, i dont gloat over people's misfortunte but something just tell me that).

As we are about to leave that place i bid my friend goodbye and tried exchange a few lines with him... and i guess my instinct is right.. I didnt pursue or ask him any personal he just told me that his marriage is over...

I wasnt shock but i was abit sadden. He used to do very well in church and we are classmates from the same badge in Bible School, took care of Hollywood, married the love of his love and eventually run his family business. I really dont know where did love go? If love can be gone through life trials & testings then where is the essences of it? I hear too much, seen too much of many failed marriages but yet i still choose to believe there are still good marriages around that is in the binding. Love is really a choice, its really till death do us part thing.

I wonder when he comes along... will he love me till the end?? But for now, at least im assured that at least God do :)

Today, i went purposely to go to middle road to buy this egg tart. Just becos my sister has been wanting to eat yet not chance too. I am surprised that being a very lazy me i went out such lengths to buy for her :)

hahaha.. i guess thats what kinship is all about... i always felt that im such a lousy sister. Cant really do or give much to my sister but at least this is the least i can do for her... Hope she will like it.. its very nice and tasty... and its healthy!!! Its soya bean egg tart unlike the traddition ones that we buy outside. My sister and i are very different. We live in a different world, her world is much simpler... not so much of complications unlike mine. But im glad and happy for her that she is happily married with such a supporting husband. My brother in law and I click on quite well :)

My sister and i used to quarrel alot, fight alot and somehow while growing up in two different places i tend to be jealous and envy of her being doted by my parents since young. She has her first birthday celebaration when she is at very young age while i dont. I can still remember i stared with anger and rejection from my parent as a kid thinking why am i so different from the rest of the kids? Am i not their own too?? And it took me 21 years to have one family birthday gathering for me well i guess delay is not denial sometimes.. hahaha...

Well i have gotten over the past issue and sometimes when i look back, i am so amazed that why is my heart so small at that time compare to now? Maturity takes time to develop i guess. Right now my sis and i are much closer. Though i dont really share much of my thoughts to her not becos she is not capable of handling it.. but i guess i dont really want her to carry my unseen burdens :)

I know we love each other in different ways ... and i hope God can bring her back once again! Only God can do that surgery in her heart.. and im awaiting for my whole family members to be saved. Only God can do such a mircale!

Friendship From God :)

I think beside children are one of God's best gift to man, friendship is one of it too. This morning i was awoken up by an sms. I was elated to see a sms by a friend kind words and i feel so much comforted being loved again. Sometimes i feel that friendship comes in a nick of time to give an emotional lift and it feel good that my blog is constantly view upon by those who love me.

In fact, i remember the other day i was feeling very tired and dont feel like going on anymore, i sms to kodomo and lament my woe over sms... the next day i received an sms back from her saying that... " U tired.. i'll be there to carry for you :) with such one sentence it so sweet yet so simple. Tears swell up in my eyes its warms my tired heart. Im really very bless to have such a friend like her. Though we may not talk alot or met up alot but im sure the bond within us stay.

Actually i never thought that i can make good friendships with so many wonderful people around me. During my study days, i have a Form Teacher who warned one of my best friend in school not to get near me as i will lead her into bad path..it takes one rotten apple to spoil the whole carton? i was rather hurt by the remark back then and i thought am i that bad being a person?

Times pass, in life u win some and lose some, i make some good friends and not so good ones. But i have always feel that im not good enough to be a friend to anyone, call it an esteem problem... call it whatever ... and i find it hard to accept their love. But i somehow feel very fortunate to have friends that came along side to help me to pull through one obstacles after another. Friends are like extra pair of wings, they carry you when you are down. Im very thankful to God really, remembering His faithfulness while i am not.

I hope i can be a better friend :) to all ...

Sense Verses In-Sensitivity??? 3 August 2007, Friday

Someone today did a very insensitive thing to me in cell and i cant believe he has done it over again and again... I was so angry and i went to Siang's house toilet to hide and cry. I cant believe i have done that, all along i thought its okay to let people laugh at, but im sure my emotions has a limit.

Actually i dont blame it on the person who has hurt me... i think he has every right too... Fat people are always bullied and laugh upon so i dont really dont blame him at all.

I tried to hold back my tears but it just kept freely flowing out from my eyes. Till then no one knows what happened and when the toilet door is open... i compose back to my normal self. I thought i have acted very well until.. someone saw through it...

While making our way to have our normal fellowship in the car and i cried quietly not wanting to be console by her. Guess bottle up emotions are not good at all.

In fact this week i am not feeling too good emotionally.. fighting my way out of depression and yet kept on eating and eating uncontrollably... i know its not good. I dont feel good either. No one likes to be fat! But yet being FAT is always the joke of many people.

7 August 2007

I wonder if people is in my shoe.... what will they think? Like today i went to meet up with some of my ex-colleagues.. they do joke about that "wave is coming" while i shift my seat nearer... well.. i just look normal and act blur... but inside im really hurting... fresh wounds that i have been trying to close all these while have cut open up again.

I know they dont mean it just a joke out of it again.. I didnt say doesnt mean i dont feel hurtful? Being fat is a sin too? I dont know.. i tried... i really tried to change but when im depress the tendency then to eat more...I have enough! Should i fight back relentlessly? or should I confront my fears? I really dont know....im very tired... just want to rest...

SIMPSON'S FAMILY
Went to watch Bart Simpsons on saturday... at first i was quite skeptical about this cartoon as i never really watch before.. but from the begining of the show it started to the end... i can never imagine that i laugh so hard and loud. Its worth watching! It's funny and i never thought that i can laugh throughout the show... hahaha... especially the spider pig song... its so hilarious!!!!

SPIDER PIG(Homer Simpson Sings)

SPIDER PIGDoes whatever a SPIDER PIG does

Can he swing From a web No he cant,He's a pigLOOK OOOUUUTTT!!!!He is a SPIDER PIG!!

I laugh so loud... hahaha... and i even got this song from joyce to put into my mobile... hahaha.. I still find it very entertaining... hmm... maybe i havent been really laughing much lately :)

Return to blogging...

Yes yes... after so long i know that i have not been blogging for a long long time... lol ... im sure some of my ardent fans might been thinking all these while where am i hidding again? Which cave do i go to for medidation? Well im finally back! I have come out from my cave this time with many lessons learn :) I wanted to blog really but just seems not to find time too :) but since i have this one week break... i think i better start blogging ...

Return where i landed ...

I have left Cold Storage to a better company now where im already 3 month confirmed staff. Well, to me it seems like 3 years had past.. so busy everyday. Facing different situation and funny griveness... i guess if you like this line... people irriate you everyday whether you like it or not.. Maybe God has put me there to be a problem solver ba... so i dont dare to complain but just be thankful at least i have a job and something i like to do... get connected to people needs etc..

Life has been okay at least for work. Thinking of going back to school... back to basics... havent got a concrete plan just yet, but thinking of going to Isreal a place i pin for so long :) so im trying at least the best i know how to scrimp and save the best i know how. It has been my dream to go there. At least its step closer to God.

Wedding Fever...

Well what else can i say? In June and July this year i witness both beautiful marriage. Each of it got its different theme and i enjoy every moment of it. Though its really tiring but yet i guess its the company of good friends we have to pull through one hurdle after another.
More weddings to come... There will also be a season for everything! Meanwhile stay tunned for more blogs to come...

Bottled Up

Though this year 2007 has just arrived and its just barely 2 months had past. Somehow i feel as if i have lived through the half year period.

Feelings... coped up from deep within.. frustrations of self... hurts from people... letdown by friends... anger at God... uncertainities of future.. fear of the unknown... all these feelings just griped me to the core and im sure it has hit its peak!!!

Wondering anyone feelings can go lower than this?

Thank God i should say... the only way besides being a hermit in my own nut shell for days, there is also a remedy through writing... Its a way of expressions venting my frustrations.. throwing my fears and abandoning myself into world of my own.

At least in my world pains are temporarily ceased, in my world i can be at eased, in my world i can come in terms with my own true feelings, in my world no one can come near and hurt me, in my world no one sees my tears and fears.. in my world i can be free who i want to be....

Why am i hidding again? Why am i retreating? Why am i making rounds? Why do i have to do it again? Why do i keep holding on to somethings that are not right and never has any ending? Why do i have to hurt myself through and through? Letting God and those who believe in me down?

Silent cry screamed out from the depths of my being.. its a cry of desparations, its a cry longing to be heard. A cry of despair, longing ... a cry of identification, cry that is aimless that brings me down to my pit.

How can i ever be clean? How can i be pure? How can i be really happy? Stained with filth, marked down by gulit, echoed by condemations.. its just so much to bear. I wonder who can get me out of this silent anguish? i know i will not only be the one or neither the last one who feels this way.

I am just tired... tired of this journey... i wanted to go to a far away place to find back my own space ..i need a place to recuperate and get my energy back to zest.. But will i be up and going again after the rest?

Someone ever once told me that if i really stands out i will be the brightest stars that shines among all. I wonder will this star of mine be able to shine ever so bright up in the dark night sky? This star of mine is flickering like the candle in the wind and fading slowing like the dying roses in the field...

Its between me and Him... its all because of Him... because there is much love for Him, i contested with my soul. Because of Him i long to be make whole. All because of my love for Him so easily read by others yet so hard to follow.

Because of Him, i believe.. i really try hard to believe life can be better for me.. because of this hope in Him that is undying that keeps me holding on until my heart bleeds, my hands brusied with blisters. I dont want to let go.. i am afraid to let Him go ... i really want to hold onto the rope of hope as tight as i can close to my heart...

Read a friend's blog today and i thought she describes well of what Life is...

"To me, life is a journey where you never know which day it ends but you always celebrate the day of its beginning. Every decision you make, everyone you touch, everything you say make up of life events. How exciting will your life be really depend on YOUR CHOICE! Even God give us a choice either to be with him or
away from HIM. And I am thankful to have HIM in my life".

I cant agree any further with what she says.. i wish i can be as strong as her being so determined come what may that she will not be so easily swayed by life trials..

God has promised us that in our weakness we are make strong in Him. In our distress we can look for Him for life's answers...

What if the answers didnt come? What if .. what if... what if...

If God is here today what will i ask Him??? Too many questions on my mind to be answered. But i know that God works in a mysterious way.. i dont know where my sherperd is going to lead me... beside King David's still waters? Or Moses's red sea? Or maybe at garden gesthmane where i find Him down on His knees praying for me?

Trials indeed make us more stronger... hopefully not to hardening of our hearts.. Testings makes us more human .. hopefully not to become inhumane.

With all these unanswered questions, life is indeed is a long journey. What you are today is the choice we make yesterday.. whether happy or sad, angry or mad?

Decisions upon decisions... one day when our lives is over and the big revealed comes to stand.. and maybe just one day... God is going to astound us what is life all about!

My Longing

Sometimes i wonder when will we be able to meet?
It really looks like you are beyond my reached.

This pinning i have long so strong
wonder what has actually gone wrong?

Some couples are easily destined to be together,
and lead a life happy ever after.

In this world of six billion,
I am not greedy just want to find you one in a million

Why is it so hard for us to meet?
I really dont know what is hindering it?

Sometimes i can sense you near
Sometimes i just feel that you are here.

But dont know why our path cant seems to cross
Even if it does will we be lost in the crowd without a cause?

Will i be ever let alone?
In this world of crazy place not my own?

Where charm is deceit and beauty is in need
But wonder how many will be able to resist it?

Sometimes i just need to find a space
Just between you and me when my longing needs a place
So i can just run into your warm embrace without a trace...

Memory Lane

Found a box of 'precious' in my room while i was doing my final clean up for the month. It was left unattended for a long time and so i decided to open it up... I grinned as i saw the items that was found inside the box.. :) memories came rushing in like the flood as one by one each item that was found inside the box has an untold stories..

Lying there was a kindergarten graduation picture of myself.. i wonder why i look so weird with perm hair? I dont remember im born with natural curls???.. hmm.. mum must be the cluprit who done that.

In that big box there lies all my credentials.. report books.. letters.. photo albums etc.. stuff that i have not been running through it with and now just feel so happy to recollect those memories one by one..the feelings are just like bumping into a long lost friend- Time for reunion :)

One thing i must admit, im not an intelligent person. Though someone have commented on me once that i look like one graduate :) well, i may look like one... talk like one but was never one... with that compliment of cos im really flatted. Well if there is a university to be qualify myself for, that will definitely be the school of great hard knocks of life :)

The first item i saw was my report books ... talk about my results.. haha.. when i was in my kindergartern.. i was position.. 44th person out of 52 in the class! haha.. thats comforting.. at least im not the last one .. but the red marks i have gotten in the report book sure scare the hell out of my folks.. heehee...

Growing up hasnt been an easy one not to say that my folks are not with me my thru my adolences period. All along, my small world was involved around with my grandma and grandpa. I see it as a way of a subsitituion of parental's love. My gran's love for me are really unconditional it surpasses all human love :) To them I was their proud grandchildren even though im always spoilt in other's eyes..

I always remember how i was the rotten apple in the class.. my form teacher often put remarks on the small blue note book to let me bring back to let my grandpa see and sign.. Each time when i got home i will hand it over to him.. and he will just sign and went thru it and he didnt really scold me haha.. he just shake his head and say.. not again?

The stuff my teacher wrote says that im lack of home supervision.. got to be neat.. brush up english.. got to get help.. blah.. blah.. blah.. haha..

Now ah gong is gone no longer around oh how i missed him.. i missed talking to him, i missed him carrying me in his arms when im still a child.. i missed him when he coaxed me to sleep and sing his favourite songs.. i just miss all of him :(

Even when going to secondary schools was not an easy task for me.. back there i was more darker in skin tone.. i dont look like a princess.. my hair cut is so tomboyish.. and there isnt any sense of feminity in me.. i was being mocked , disturbed, laughed at by classmates just because they think that im the 'ugly duckling' in class. My self-esteem went down to the rock bottom... and i hardly got any friends while im in my secondary one and two...

You must be finding very hard to believe when u read it rite? I find it hard too.. haha.. things change and people do change through situtations.. and before i know it.. i am who i am now by God's grace throughout the course of these years...

Who could have thought a girl that was so insecured and so low self esteem about herself can be a relational person in turn to be an extrovert? Who could have thought a girl who flunk her English while during school time where teachers almost gave up hope started to write blogs and own poems? Guess it was my darkest period where gifts, talents and ability were discovered.. and till now im still in search for my life's mission purpose :)

Since young i always wanted to explore whats over the other side of the world, going to overseas to studies and to have a taste of aboard life is one of my secret wish.. on seeing my childhood friend who went overseas how i wish sometimes im born into a better family.. and to me her life is just so plain sailing... no big storms.. no hurricane.. went australia to study and eventually get married to her first and last boyfriend, and now we lost contact... from the latest news i heard from other friends is she is happily married with 3 kids and a loving husband.

Cant complain much... my close friends always say if we tend to look what we dont have we will really become bitter and miserable.. but if we start counting our blessings one by one.. we will be surprised actually we might be better off then some others.

Life here on earth is so drama.. everyone played different roles.. and when one role has ended the other part of us has begin to take on into something else.

I used to think that as long as i tried my best not to change, we will maintain best of friends for life.. but now even if i havent change.. people around me started too, because of the change factor around our love ones.. either we moved along with them and enter into their seasons.. if not u will still be there and left behind. I was actually very disappointed with life changes, letters that my close friends in school that wrote to me that we will be friends forever is all now out of sight.. out of mind..

Have to move along with time and seasons now .. too much disppointments that i dont wish to talk about it.. so i have learn the hard way.. NEVER rely on people :) they are not forever.. and there is no such things as forever in life now....

Next.. there is a pile of letters and cards.. letters from my very own dear Pastor Kong. I was very happy to find back those cards and letters that Pastor Kong, Sun and some of the pionners that sent to me for encouragement while im still a young christian .. it brings comfort to my soul and .... hmm... maybe i should write a letter to Pastor to up keep about my life since we have not been able to catch up personally... :)

Wow.. so much i have written.. haha.. i just want to be happy.. getting more and more long winded.. okay... time to go for the black box again to distress before i hit my head on the sack...

New Year 2007

Spend the first day of this new year with Sharon, we went to watch a comedy show Night at Musem. Quite light hearted movie.

Then we headed straight to Ya Kun for coffee... talk a fair bit.. talk about the people we know.. about the past, present and future :) guess i have always like her company though technically speaking both of us are quite similar in some ways. Thank God for friends that go through life together and brave through storms.. Sab, Sharon and I three of us are so different in character.. yet i wonder what hold us together for so many years.. God must be the 'glue' in between us that hold the friendship.

Of cos along the way, God brought in friends to help us in the walk with Him and in this Cell i have make a few close ones. Indeed, i do pray that all our friendship will not change through out the different seasons of our life :) Use to be in relationship and used to 'worship' my boyfriend like god... my whole world used to involved around him and thus i neglected my friends.. and when he is no longer around, my world fell apart and it took me great pain to learn this vaulable lesson.

So from then, i have learn to treasure friendship especially those whom i hold close.. i will try to protect them and keep them from harm not to let other people bully of take advantage of them.. haha.. sounds like a big sister big.. but indeed im the oldest among them hehe..


Spring Cleaning

Have been procrastinating to clean up my room for a very long time finally... the dust.. cobwebs that has been accumlated for months has been wipe out! Hahah.. i think its a good start for a new year.

Can you imagine? I started to do spring cleaning on 12noon... it may sound too exeragerting.. i done my clean up around till 8pm!!! Gosh!! so freaking tired.. am i cleaning a palaca or wat it took about 8 hours to clear my rooms. I realise that i got 9 new pairs of shoes that i have bought that yet to wear.. 3 boxes of bags that i have not use for a long time and many many accessories... opps... so that leave me with no excuses to shop for a while..

A sign of relief came when i saw the end product of it... my room is clean again i wonder how can i live in that kind of mess haha.... i hv learn a lesson from this spring cleaning...

• Never procrastinate the things that was intended to do or else in the end you will end up clearing more and more dust and cobwebs
• Make up your mind to do spring cleaning regualry
• Be ruthless and throw away those unnecessary stuffs which u used to cherish them it will occupy more space in the end!

In spiritual aspects.. dont left your problems and things left unattended.. the more you drag on the more emotional bagages you will accumlate. As a result you will take longer time to heal.. Do stock-take in your life.. and see how far you have gone and how much more to go.. Finally be ruthless to those unnecessary memories.. how can the new ones come in while u still cling on to the old? :)

Haha.. so much so for this new year... i pray this year will be the best year yet!

Reflections of 2006..

Here it comes.. finally 2006 is history and it marks down the new birth of an other New Year 2007. Looking back, 2006 has been one of the most exciting and challenging year so far for me. Since after i came back to God, i have been cruising my life like the ship that has taken a long vacation.

Last Year was not a bad year after all, get to go to Hong Kong with some wonderful people and its a memorable trip that i guess i will not be able to forget for a very long time :) But life goes on and it will the best part of memories that i used to have with my friends.

Begining January...

One of the higlights i witness is the proposal of my pal Sab and Edwin.. love so sweet so pure finally they are together :) I really wonder wat went thru on Sab's mind when Edwin took out the ultimate ring? Haha.. Its a happy ending for them and it will begining a new chapter for them.

Loving Feburary...

Hmm.. after going one big round John and Louisa are finally together :) cant help but to feel happy as im in the part of the middle person to bring them together.. If this one whole year i didnt do anything good, guess this will be the best thing i have ever done! i didnt know that i can be a good matchmaker hehe.. All the best folks! U will have a beautiful life ahead.

Having lunch with the pioneers in church are so unforgetable too.. Seeing all my old friends in church and makes me realised how times really pass me by so fast.. Never forget the moment that Pastor Kong still remember me i feel so privilege to be part of this move of God.

Transition March...

It was a month i thought and come into realisation that people are not with u forever. People change and because change is the constant thing in life we have to get used to it. Im someone who doesnt really like changes very much, i hate it when u have to get to know unfamiliar person or situations all over again. But i guess thats unavoidable, just like how i see my close friends seeing one by one getting married or attached, it left me so insecure and afraid about what my future will hold for me. Well, i have learn to deal with it then and its a constant battle that you have to renew my mind :) i will emerge!

Foolish April...

Never thought that i will do something like this. Guess it will be my first time and last time to do that.... Going to tic tac toe.. Gosh! You wont believe it i know.. i really dont enjoy it! While many people are having fun and good reveiws about it.. personally i will not go for such set up event anymore! Feel so out of place, feel like a fish out of water kind.. you name it you have it. hehe...

Emerging May...

Went for operations that month.. doctor found cyst grown near my ovary.. seriously all along i have never stayed in hospital in my whole life and it sure scare me to death that week when i was admitted to the hospital. The operating therate was sure was cool and scary, but the friendly nurses and the skillful doctor did warm my anxious heart when i was there.

Haha.. I thought i will never see tomorrow :) guess i got much unfinished business to do here on earth thats why God is still perserving me. I was grateful to the people who visited me.. my cell group mates and my family members and friend and my kodomo... haha.. These are the people who stood by me :) Thank U all!

Discovery June...

I admit that im not a woman of many talents.. many times i thought that the only talent i have is the gift of gab ... to talk and talk.. but during June period it was one of the most difficult period to go through. I was jobless and everything in my life seems to be in a deep dark valley... but the funny part is when i was in my valley ... i actually discover i have another talent yet to unleash to the fullest potential.

As i was very depress without a job and was very stress thinking of how to meet ends need. At that time i have alot of time to work with computer and blog and check my emails etc... and just somehow.. creative juice flow out of me to compose peoms about my life and also peom for my friends.. I was truely very amazed by this hidden talent that has been discovered.. Hm.. i wonder how many more talent i have :)

Thankful July...

I got a job on time :) and was very happy then when things start to get into place. God came thru for me again this time.. How can i ever not thank Him for all the things that is happening in my life? Celebrated my birthday too with a bunch of good supporting friends. And im just so happy that my path cross with all these wonderful people.

Lazy August...

Lazy to write... cant really want happen on that month.

Poetic September...

Guess on September i wrote the most peom.. it reveals how i feel.. dont wish to explain further.

Excuses October...

????? Lazines or forgetulness took over again...

Sweet November...

Looks like when the year is coming to close .. the lesser i wrote.. hehe..

Happy December...

Very happy in December.. good weather... long holidays.. and enjoyed fun time shopping for gifts for people i cherished. Feel happy as they like the gifts i have given.. its the joy of giving during this season Ho.. Ho.. Ho.. Went to Jason's house for Chrismas it was nice and most of us gather there to have a nice steamy steam boat...

Last nite went few of us gather at Louisa & John new house to watch fire works and countdown.. indeed it was fun though...

So much so for 2006... victories and defeats, happiness and sadness, leaving and reuniting, death and separation, heartaches and pain, disappointed heart turns hopeful again. etc.. After all God is still unchanged. He is still the same Abba when i call at nite. He is the pillar of support that i have held on to for so many years.. He is still that silent listener whenever my heart desires..

Yes.. indeed 2007 will be a better year than 2006... yes... i will walk another year of victories and though great is my fear.. but greater will be my courage! Without fear there will be no courage! :)

Goodbye 2006.... Welcome 2007....

Kang Tan & I Part II


Pictures of me and Kang Tan together ... dont u think she is so cool with her new found sunglass :)

His Instrument

God let me be your light to shine through darkness
Cause your light to shine on me Lord so they will see you in me

God let me be your heart to feel the hurting
When there is need arises i will touch them with your healing

Let me be an instrument of your love to reach out
in this cold world where all hatred and strife is all about

God let it be me as i obey your call
Little by little even it pains to surrender to give you my all

You have been my help and strength in times of troubles
You are the one i call upon when i thought my life is over

And with what i have i will give it back to you for your use
because of the love i have for u i will render it back all to you

An Afternoon With My God mum


I was at home the whole day... counting my cost deciding which company to be in.. so i was mending my own business and my god mum came down today to bring food for my granny. Yes tonight, im going to write about her...

Since young growing up in my granny's house, i always heard many good report about her, how she is so fillial to the elders and how good she is and she has always been an example for all of us to follow... she works hard without complaining... a typical virtuous wife that you can find in the bible Proverbs 31

Though she is a good woman and deserves a man to love her whole heartedly but life is always so full of twist and turn... we expect good woman will end up marrying a good man, but its always the other way round..

My uncle has not been a faithful man to her for many years and he is a hard core gambler i should say he is the 'black sheep' in the family... everytime things started and happen bcos of him. Throughout my growing up years, i witness many unpleasant things.

Years past, by God's grace, i was the first christian in my family, i recalled at that time when God touched my world from that moment i knew life took a new turn then follow by my sister but now she is far from God. And later on i witness to my cousin Dave which is my godmum's son. What the bible say is so true.. if one is saved, eventually the whole household will be saved..

My cousin witness to my godmum, eventually thank God she gave her heart to HIM. I can see that dramatic change in my godmum when God came into her heart.. she was so changed and she threw away all her idols that she has worship all her life! Suddenly i thought i saw a new woman :) a woman full of strength and so much peace within her.. she is no longer the sad face lady full of life toil on her face, infact she is glowing with God's love.

Today she came down and came to my room, we had a long talk, we talk about life, talk about God and i asked her if ever she thought of leaving my uncle since he is in a very bad shape now.. she say she didnt want to leave him, she say bcos of God's love that is in her, she has learn to forgive and let go and move on with God. I could feel so much love and peace of God came within her :) for a moment, i thought i have backslided.. haha.. sometimes i feel so pai seh compare to her passion for God and mine is a long distance away..

I prayed for her.. haha first time in chinese..and ministered to her and we cried, God is in our midst in my humble room.. tears of gratitude for God seems to flow uncontrollably from our eyes.. God is faithful and He will take care of us.

Then my Godmum so sweet, she in turn ask me if i have someone in mind... i am so shy.. haha.. dont really know how to answer her, all i ask her is to pray for me.. then without hesitation, she grab my hands close eyes and prayed in chinese and Teo Chew.. though the prayer for a husband from her seems simple but its so full of love and sincerity.. she was asking God to bring my knight to me, a harvester to protect and take care of me, someone that is true... etc..

i chuckled while she prayed i felt so sweet, God must have heard her.. haha.. so we end our day with prayer and a big hug! What an afternoon with her and i know that my man is on the making...

And ending that leads a new begining..

Yes, its in the middle of the nite again... and back to blog today.. actually was about to go to sleep but one of my friend ask me to watch a show in channel U " How to say I do". Its a show about telling and expressing how people felt towards each other.

And today there is a lady who has make up her mind and today she is going to express her liking to a friend of hers that she has been carrying a touch for him for 5 long years. They have known each other for 10 years being school friends etc.. i wonder where did she gather all her courage to express how she feel? I guess it must be very tormenting liking someone yet cant seems to recipocate back her feelings.. so she decided to seek media help hoping that that man that she harbour liking for will say Yes to her..

Much work and preparation is done for her.. she went the extra mile to do her hairdos.. manice and pettie cure, seek professionals abt her out fit etc... many days work just simply wait for that special day to come just to impress someone she really hope to be with..

The moment of truth came, they decided to fix him up at one of the resturant and when the celebrity brought him to her, and when the curtain is drawn, i can see the awarkardness in the man's eyes.. yes to a certain extend i guess he must be touched by her sincerity..

Then for the lady.. she gathers her courage by singing a chinese song 'Love requires courage' then she tell him how she feels.. the liking for him for years seems to take into a different height. She is just so in love with him.. and she bravely expressed out her fondness to him.. oh man.. its so touching.. i cried :) its such and emotional sight, if a man i like will to do that.. i will say yes without any hesitations.

But reality is cruel after all... whatever the lady effort that has been done for many days all is being exchange for one sentence from the man...' its best we are better off as friends' i can see tears swell up in her eyes.. i cried with her too.. it sounded so silly.. as if im just like her.. i can understand how she must have felt. She is so brave, if for me i dont know how to take a 'No" for and answer if a man i like rejected me out front on national TV.

All her hopes that she longs to be with him has been crushed instanteously without betting an eye lid, truth really hurts but i guess its better off this way.. rather than pinning and hoping at guessing and thinking whether he loves me or he loves me not..least it came to an end of her dreams being with him.. i think it may do the lady good so that she can move on with her life to really seek out the man who really love and cherish her, life is too short to be wasted on just a man's rejection:) today's rejection maybe tomorrow accepectance from another person... so as long as we dont give up finding the right one.. im sure we will meet one day :)

Thats life i guess, im sure she will be stronger and its that man lost anyway. I always believe that love works both ways. It will not be fair if one party gives more all the time :)

Well i do hope he will do that too :) but sometimes somethings in life is not up to us to decide. I always wonder will he be the one for me? We are so different in many ways yet i like his character :) that is why it attracts me to him. So what if feelings for both of us are mutual but yet cant be together? So much hesitations and uncertainities that lies ahead of us.

Seriously i cant really think so much now for myself, so many urgent issues on hand and i have just to put aside my own agenda for awhile...i miss him though.. not use of having him not around :) as he is away serving the nation.. he will be gone for weeks.. well life goes on... and on...

This peom was written for Louisa and and John.. it was meant for them as i have promise to write for them for their wedding card.

Here it goes..

Two hearts two lives
So differently made but now they beat as one
This love so sweet yet so divine
Happily seeing them leading a new life
Who would have thought they are make for each other?
It must be God who brought them together
So with all the well wishes from family and friends
To the newly couple may they marriage will be bliss forever.

Take Me Back....

Take me back to the first time where we first met
Take me back to the first love where my heart is intact

Take me back to the place where we used to gather
With you beside me so much faith, joy and laughter

Take me back to your presence Lord
Where grace is found when I surrender all

Oh take me back and lead me on forever
Under your wings as we soar together

As I place all my hopes and dreams in you my master and friend
I know my future is in good hands

Heaven

Some say heaven is a place where everyone longs to go
A place no pain or sorrow

Some say heaven is a place where we can play all day
And forgetting all our troubles away

But I say heaven is a place where we meet God face to face
And worshiping Him together all day

Heaven is a place where there is no tears
As God has already drive away all fears

Heaven is a place where sadness disappear
Because God is always near

So I say heaven is a wonderful place to stay
Where all the saints will gather there one day

Walking with Him

There are moments that we go through mountain tops
There are moments that we go through deep valleys

But I know no matter where you go Lord
My heart will always follow

There are times I may sulk like little child
As things in my life is not what I thought all about

But again because of your unfailing love that never ceases
It gives me reason to believe that all these while you are here right beside me

Being with you on this journey can be anticipating
As each step i may not know where you are leading

So Lord please be my heartbeat when mine is hurting
Be my feet when my strength is failing
Be my guide when my sight is weakening

Help me to complete my walk with you
because you are my God since my youth

Some day i will see you face to face
And one thing i will do forever is to be in your warm embrace

Depression

Deeper and deeper to the valley I go
Not knowing when my life is going to be unfold

Been in this circle for so long
Up and down this coaster ride for gone

Wish that I will be out of this pit
But who can really help me out of it

Friends along me started to cheer me up
But I know I can only be the one who can gear myself up

Don’t know when this monster will go away
So that I can go out to the field and play

Friendship with all of you ...


Hahaha... er... nothing much.. but just a quick snap shot ..
i took together with Kan Tan today... haha.. Nice :) power! Hey Kan Tan.. Thanks for your friendship.. Let me recap what we learn in cell today.. Our character is tested.. in the daily.. or should i say weekly irritation? haha.. tks for allowing me to "irritate" or "disturb" you weekly :) cheers to our friendship..



Nothing beats in the company of many good friends.. thanks for making my birthday such a memorable one :) Though my oil king has not arrive yet.. But God surrounds me with many good friends to be with me on this day. Cant thank you people enough.... May we all grow old together :)

Hey John: whr is my man hunt? Got pray for me boh?
Kan tan : if you want your cafe fast.. pray more than 3 times can? hahaah.. hurry up.. time is ticking liao... tick tock.. tick tock...

When God Seems Silent

Finally broke into writing my blog again. Yes its in the middle of the night while the whole world is half asleep. When back home.. feeling stunned, amazed, over wheelemed by His grace once again. Yes He did it again for me :) He is like a superman that come to my rescue just in time of need. He is like the hero that rescue me from the hands of the villians and take me back into His arms. He is ever so faithful when im so faithless, He is the hope of the dawn and the light of the tunnel. Yes He is my God, my help, my comforter in times of need...

Looking back, one and half months ago I was in my pit. Pit of despair, pit that i thought i will take a long time to come out of it. I have an obstacle to go through, im looking for a job and i need to find one fast to meet ends needs. I have try all ways and not to be passive about it... but "luck" seems not to be on myside. Those jobs that i wanted always never seems to pass by my way... I was very discourage.. funds are depleting and im into my panick mode. I went into depression, but however i almost wanted to give up but i didnt..

Many times i wanted too.. but i tell myself surely there will be a job for me. Edwin, Meijie & Martin got they job on the spot and i didnt even have any offer coming in. I grin with envyness and i wish God will quicken His favour towards me. I felt forsaken.. abandon.. thrown aside and left to "die" and survive on my own. Felt God must have forsaken me.. i cried.. i whined.. i pleaded with God many nights but nothing seems to work.

But i kept on going.. the waiting part is the most daunting and unbearable, i tithle to God my last pay check, i give offerings beyond the normal giving, just to grab God attention and make His head turn towards me in hope that He may take notice of my giving.

Last two weeks i cant feel God, though service and cell group is good i just somehow feel miles apart from Him. I do a spiritual check and i realise that... my heart is begining to harden and cold.. where is that passion for Him has gone too? I think im overly disappointed with life, and everything around me i wonder will i really get to see the light after the tunnel?

Just as i was really beyond discouragement, i even told Jane if there is a mountain i want to run and hide so tat at least i dont have to look so down and beaten.. haha im so useless all i want to think of is to run and hide away from people and circumstances.Im really at my lowest peak... how much further i can go? Sleepless nite, fund depleting, so stressful ...

Miracles came to me on Friday while i was at home preparing to go out for another so call interview... I recieve a call from this company and so i decided to give a try... Lo and behold when i lest expected, miracles awaits to be unfold. I got the JOB! Yes no joke... its not a prank .. i got a job and when it came so suddenly.. i almost cant breathe.... Finally i thought to myself God has finally set His eyes on me! He finally set His miracles for me.. just for ME! All in all the job was a jump for me to another level. An executive position that enable me to travel with SEA region. It was like a dream coming true :) I have always wanted to do regional role as a HR person and it will be a good opportunity for growth.

Coming to think of it, i realise that life is really so unpredictable, yesterday was feeling like in the pit of hell looking for an exit, the next moment before you know it you are on your way to heaven. God comes in when i least expected it and each day is like a brand new day awaiting for new things new miracles to be unfold. Never say never in life thats for sure in life and life itself is never guaranteed.

Attitude Of Gratitude

During the last two weeks which when im at my lowest moment point of my life, i thought that it my life is going to be it.. hopless.. aimless.. and i felt God miles away from me really. But my cell members came in as God's hand and love at my lowest moments... they extended their concern for me and they are always so believing when my faith seems low...

So i wish to thank the following angels that have come by my way to encourage me and see me thru...

Thow Wee: You always amazes me :) really, you are so encouraging when i cant find my way.. and yet week in week out your smses.. call and prayer are so uplifting. During this time, you have been a great help :) though you may not think you have done alot but i think you have done whatever you could to help me. Thanks friend... looks like we are going up the valley again and this journey with you have been exciting..

Laurel: Remember the lunch you bought me the other day on Prem's birthday? We spoke much and you understand much :) Until now... my stomach is still craving for the chicken pepper steak. Anymore treat from you? haha... Thanks, it really warms my heart. And i know you have share my joy too :)

Ah Beng: Ah Beng ah beng... thanks for your wonderful idea of setting up the stall outside expo hall ... haha.. too bad i dont need liao nor i need to call for .." Tissue paper... tissue paper.. i want to call call call call... the tissue paper." hehehe... thanks ah beng for being so funi at times.. Thanks for your support too :)

Sharon: What can i say about you.. :) haha.. im beyond words. We seems to have the same kind of thinking at times and our friendship are rather unique. Thanks for your concern and love over all these years.. i do get to see the lighter side of you now.. hehee.. Thanks for your card and indeed all things will work out good to those who love God. May you find your career break thru soon.. believing with you :)

Sabrina: Hey sleeping pill.. i thank God for you too. I guess you do understand how i feel and thanks for the time u stood there listening.. You are such a blessing to have as a friend... Remember that Sunday you pass me an envolpe i was so touched by the love gift you give.. though it may not be millions.. haha.. but i do feel the love you have for me :) Thanks for standing by me.

Edwin: Hey edwin... though you beat me in getting the job first but however... we started work on the same day LOL :) Thanks for the encouragement you have shown and may we thrive on our careers... Lets shine for God in the market places..

Louisa: You have been my support all these while whether outwardly or inwardly. Your inner strength and sensitivity always amazes me. Thanks for being my friend and you have been a great " driver" to me all these while hahaa.. tks so much for all your prayers and love :)

John: I will never forget how 3 of us held hands in Louisa's car and prayed. Your prayers are always so sincere and true and so POWER..haha.. God must have heard you and He quicken my process of my job hunt.. Now i have another task for you..please help me pray for my 'man hunt' haha ..

Ling Siang: As i have said before you are one of the best leader anyone could ever have, thanks for being there and standing by believing with me :)

Chau Chau: Superman.. though your show is not so SUPER.. but i still think you are superb :) thanks for praying for me with siang in church that week for my job... Er.. i promise.. i will still continue to cause you to be long suffering.. haha..

Na Na: Dont know if you got a chance to read this blog, if you do, just want to let you know that your sms and calls always comes least expected haha.. hmm... i enjoy your friendship! You so fun to be with! Thanks for your encouragement.

Xiao Mei : I know you have been worried for me thanks for your prayers... and now... haha.. we can go shopping again liao.

Simon: Though we may not talk alot even if we do.. i always like to tease and 'swan' you but hor i remember your msn telling me not to be disheartened when i m feeling low.. and it gave me hope to hope again :)

Jane: Kan tang.. kan tang... thanks for the whining and sighing i hv given you.. haha.. i know u care for me :) thanks for being so positive... and your blog is always so inspiring write more k.

Joyce: You have been a fun person to hang out with.. though we may be in the same boat at that time without a job u still encourage me :) i pray that your job will come soon too.. and its been fun knowing you.. Thanks for the friendship you hv given.

debbie: Just started to know you at first i thought you are a quiet person who doesnt talk much, but hor.. as the days goes by.. im wrong haha.. still water runs deep.. you are indeed one of them :) Hope to get to know you better in time to come..

Shufen: Thanks for your concern too and your support :) Hope to get to know you better.

Too much to write and too many people to thank for :) I guess all friends are God sent. I want to thank my family too especially my ah ma.. she has been my support all these while, and bearing my nonsense at home hahaha.. thanking her that she did not nag at me... hahaaha.. I love you ah ma! Not forgetting my sister, she has been quite concern for me too!

But most of all i want to thank God :) for everything.. for giving me all these friends and family memebers to hold during those stormy moments. Thanks you Jesus... you are indeed my SUPERMAN!

Got to go... till then.. stay tune for more blogs.. and let the other part of my new journey life begins..

(This is a poem I have spent thru the nite to compose for Prem, for his birthday... Hope he will like it)


I Live For Him

Before I know it I was born
into this world full of thorns

Where there is hatred and constant fight
I always fend my life with all my might

Every day when Im awake
decision upon decision I have to make

So many times I done it wrong
and I thought all my future is gone

Life to me seems ableak
and I thought I may not make it

Just as I thought I will drown my sorrows
but you came into my life an give me a tomorrow

Your light seems to came into me
to penetrate my inner being

So today as I stand
in the company of many good friends

Through thick and thin
they have been
but nothing beats the strength from within

As today I grow a year older
I pray I will be one year wiser

Now I can say today is really my day
as I will live my life nothing but by God's way

Living in a closet

Who is this little girl living inside my closet?
Why is she trying to hide?

Running away from her past
Hiding this shell behind
Here is that little gal who used to gone astray
When life seems cant let have her way

Past seems like a leech that always stick
But here she is determine to come out it

Talk to an angel friend that day
As that little girl seems to lost her way

That angel asked her to let the leech go
So that the real girl inside her can glow

Hard for this little girl it may seems
But friends cheers kept comimg in
To give her courage that she need

So from now till then
This little girl in the closet is coming out
slowly but surely
with confidence, boldness and with a shout

As break through is on its way
Come on girl
Dont you stray, hold fast to your belief
Dont give up halfway

Cloudy days and stormy nights will soon go away

Sanctuary

When my world was in darkness
You spoke your word
Night turn into day
Your beauty filled this place

When my world stood in silence
You filled my heart with songs that never end
Forever I will Praise

To think that the univese could not withhold your glory
you choose to live in me
Im so amazed

And I worship you Lord
My life in you restored
Here is my heart make it your sanctuary
For nobody else but Jesus only you

You are faithful and true
Glorious Lord all my life its you I adore

You've touched my soul
Completed my world
I surrender to you

And I worship you Lord
My life you restored
Here is my heart make it your sancturay
For nobody else but Jesus only you

Staying Young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry
about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. (Keep Me! Keep Me! :) The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In
mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the
brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who
makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire
life, is yourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. How about your relationship with God?

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country,
but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

My Spiritual Family :)

Blog

Realise that my blog was actually read by some of the close sisters almost daily... haha they told me that they are my 'die hard fans'... so in order not to disappoint them.. i will try to write something everyday whenever i can...

Actually, im not someone who likes to reveal much of my inner thoughts as im afraid i will get vunerable while people will ask me if im okay or not thru my writings. The only thing i show my blogs to closer ones is because as i write... they can also keep a look out for me in my life. I still need friends to be accountable for :) due to busy schedules for most Singaporeans most ppl log on to the computer more than to calling friends... so i guess when they popped by this blog at least we can keep watched over each other's being :P

I used to write journal since young, not sure from where i have learn to cultivate this habit of writing however I find it very theraputic when i jot my thoughts down. Whenever im down and out... whenever im feeling over the moon.. i like to write it down. And once is over and done with i felt as if tons of feelings has been loaded off my chest and i can continue my journey again :)

I was introduce to blog by Louisa and since then my journal diary has been emptied to online. I find it good as its easy to retrieve and i think its away to save the forest trees hahha..

Just wanna to thank all who are sharing this blog with me... thank you for watching over me :)

A fall

Got home today feeling abit sick after going for an interview... was supposed to be in bible class but i didnt make it :(

I took shower and behold... i fell on my back and hurt my head and hip bone... never did i have that kind of fall and the impact was really bad.. i was blackout in my shower room and my auntie heard the noise and she called me.. i heard her voice and i somehow woke up.. my head hurts and my hip bone is so painful..

But thank God, at least im able to stay awake thru out.. My grandma was at my sister's place i give them a call... i was crying ... hahah.. feeling like a baby.. how i wish someone is there to hold me it will ease my pain..

My granny rush back with my sister and my brother in law... they are so kind.. :) i knew im so loved by them. My sis took ice cube to put on my head and rub on my back.. :) hmm.. maybe she should be a nurse instead.. and as she was rubbing my brusies... out of no where suddenly she sing that "Da chang jin" song... wu la la .. wu la la... hahah.. she say she is chang jin number two.. bet she can still joke while im still in pain..

I still finds it funny and i thank God for my family that loves me :)

Waiting on God...

This morning i was a woken up by an sms. It was from a sister whom im close with :) Though im still struggling to wake up, i stayed in bed and reached out for my handphone. It was a real pleasant surprised to see her sms. I always felt very affirmed and encouraged by her messages and concern for me :0)

She was telling me that i was in her mind this morning (its good to be remembered especially in the morning) and how she is bless by the friendship i have given her etc... wow i thought wat a great day to start off with those encouragement.

I remember one thing she said, she said that God maybe wants me to be single for just a while more before my heart finding a home. To me.. haha.. the first thought is what's got to do when u are hitched and ministry. hmm... maybe God knows that i can be more focus and He must have know how i emotionally attached i will be hee... hee...

Its always good to have someone to share ur ups and downs.. guess life will be different when u have found someone. But i do hope that i will not be so man focus even if God give me the man of my dreams.. hahah... my "oil king".. haha..

Like what i say before, life is more meaningful when u reach out and bless others together with my future partner to serve God together :)

Many times i used to think and struggle will such day come? Where all the sisters are talking about weddings.. marriage.. proposal... rings.. houses.. relationship stuff.. at that nite of fellowhsip, it really left me thinking.. what if... what if tat day it didnt come? Will i still hold on? Will i just cruise on life disappointed.. haha.. i pray God will forbide that! I always wanted to have a family.. i want to raise up godly kids.. to learn to put others first and teach them the ways of God. Seriously i pray and hope that the wait will not be so long...

just like wat the bible says in Ps 27: 14

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait I say, on the LORD!

Many times like what the word says.. its the waiting part.. But how many of us here really wait on God's best? Many friends i know got tired and weary while waiting and they end up marrying their "Mr Right" but end up so wrong. I hope i wont come into that end.. Sometimes it seems so impossible but i must keep telling myself i must believe God is the giver of good things. He will come true for me... i dont know how? I dont know when.. maybe its just a step away, a line across or maybe miles apart, maybe in order process.. God knows whats best for us and i know somehow i will get to meet my "oil king" one day :)

Night Out With Er Mei Pie... Where are the Wu Dang Pie?

Its Not Just About Me Anymore..

One of the luxury i have now is to rest and sleep late and wake up later... As im still in my resting mode after the operation, i managed to catch up and talk to some of my friends.

Life is full of many choices we make.. the decision we make today will either break us or make us a better person.

Recently, i was talking with a friend, and catching up with each other's life, she was relating that she actually like someone who is not a christian. I guess its not so easy for someone like her to like a guy. This man must have won her over by the things he do. I can see whenever she talks about him, sparks are in her eyes. But somehow i can understand her concern and her struggles. How many times... its our will Vs God's will, it must be hard for her to feel this way... carrying a torch for a man whom she cant be with.

I can identify with her i have been thru that before. Sometimes it really boils down to giving up our 'Isaac' before God can give us our precious. Life is always a constant struggle, how i wish i dont have to struggle and wrestle so hard. But if God say so no unequal yoke im sure He must have His reasons for everything.

When things happen, we always like to ask God why? And as if we demand an explaination from Him. But come to think of it, God is God why should He give us all the answers for life's questions? We have been spoilt :) always like a little child wanting our own ways.

Have talk to another sister too that nite, im happy for the first time there is such an openess and mutual trust between us. I see her always smiling whenever i see her but behind every smile there is lots of tears to cover up. Life has not been fair to her, its as if all life problems comes in her way and throw at her. For a moment i thought if i can turn into a fairy godmother and wand off all her fears and uncertainties away :) But good thing is she is strong and learning to trust God in every steps she takes. Sure there will be down moments, but it will not be long she will be up again. She has encouraged me to look at life at a brighter side. When u think that u have alot of problems to tackle look at over the other side there will be sure someone who is more problematic than u. But as long as God is there, we will be fine.

Life is not just about me anymore, there are so many needs to be met, hurts to be heal and i just cant sit down and wait for my mircale to happen. I just want to do my part to help whenever i can. Im sure when im putting God's Kingdom first, God will not short change me, He will fullfilled all the desires of my heart.

After hearing so many stories and struggles, i decided i want to move on further with God to another level where He wants to lead me. Somehow i could feel a change in me.. dont know how to explain it but i know changes are for the better.

I will try to help whenever i can and go the extra mile for others. Like how others have helped me to walk on with God. Life is really a journey, through ups and down ... and when i have reached my destination one day, i will hear Him say Well Done My faithful servant!

Coming Home

Home is where the heart is... I finally understood this truth. I have been away from home about 5 days to a place where most of us dread to go - Hospital.

Admission ( 10 May 2006, Wednesday )

10 May 2006 i was admitted to hospital for a minor operation. I felt funny admitting alone as most of the patients around me have their kins around them. I am someone who doesnt like to bother people much... so i ask my grandma to enjoy her Mother's Day Lunch with my uncle 's family while i can admit own my own. Guess i have learn to be self-reliant throughout these years. A gal who has been living independently away from the wings of her parents, will always somehow surivive stronger and tougher :)

Anyway, Joanna, Tau wee, Chris & Hui nan come over to visit me on the first day before the ops. It was so nice of them to keep me company. Tw was afraid that im bored he even bought magzines and food for me.. Their kind gestures really touches me :)

Day 1 of Operation ( 11 May 20o6, Thursday )

Dawn break came, i hardly had a wink wondering how will my operations be.. i was getting a little bit worried how am i going to be like when i am going thru the operations. Before i was wheeled to the operations theatre, i managed to see my mum and my grandma and i waved them 'goodbye'...

I was afraid as i do not know what is expected of me, as i was put onto the opeating bed immediately the nurses and doctors hands are all over me to fix up all the apparatus for the surgery. A mask was pull over my head and i kept hearing them to ask me to breathe harder... before i know it, i was knocked out by the anathestic.

The moment i opened my eyes, i heard someone calling my name. I thought to myself am i dead or alive? A waved of relived washed over me as i know that operation is over and it took quite awhile for me to wake up, doctor told me it was a difficult operation as they have to be skillful enough to remove the blood cyst from both side of my ovaries without cutting them away. Thank God for His divine protection.

I was in my dreamy stage while i was been taken back to my ward.. i can see happy faces of my loved ones around me as my operations took about 6 hours. I ask them to leave as they waited for a long time, though i wish they could stay awhile longer :)

Visitation

Just then about 7 plus Ling Siang and prem came over and to visit me :) I was very happy to see them and we talk for awhile. Follow by that, most of my cell memebers came that nite to visit me... people like Sharon, Sab, laurel, Lousia, ah beng, John, yen chau and xiao xin... and also kim my ex member. Though i was very tired after the ops, i was very thrilled to see them... i tried to stay awake and talk to them. I can feel their concern and love for me im really very happy to be in this part of this family.

Day 2 of Operation ( 13 May 2006, Friday )

Im someone who cannot endure pain, grandma will know i will scream at the slightest pain but surprisingly the pain is quite bearable. On the day two of operation, i have started to get up to walk. I tell myself i must get up if not i will be confine to this bed. I thank God for His protection and healing over me. My family members , shufen, jenny and joanne came and visited me and being a hyper person, i am so thrilled when people came and visit me in this cold, boring hospital.

Day 3 of Operation ( 14 May 2006, Saturday )

Lousia came to visit me around 12 plus and kind of missed my fellowship days with my kakis.. hopefully i can recover fast and be up and going... how i wish i can go and fellowhship with the members today as they are going for bbq at Marina South.. Yen chau, ah beng, sharon, sab and ah teck popped by around 5 plus to visit me... i was over the moon.. i really appreciate all of them coming...

Day 4 of Operation ( 15 May 2006, Sunday )

Finally the long wait, i can go home le. How i missed home and missed my bed.. Never felt happier to be back at my own nest. My sister and brother-in-law came and picked me up and im just so relieved to see the world again :)

Reflections

After staying so many days in the hospital, i came into a conclusion. Your body really matters. Our body is God's temple and i can see how it can affects our life being. We need to have a healthy temple so that we can do the works of God and take care of others. So i must take care of my body from now :)

During these few days of stay, i feel so loved by the people around me. Family members, cell members called, sms and they even came all the way to visit me. They could have not come... but they did. I can feel their love and concern :) i know that im not alone in this walk and we will be there to lift each other's up when one is down. Just want to thank you all people for the visitation, encouragement, and your prayers :) surely you all have make a great difference in my life!

If ain't got you (Alicia Keys)

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Yeah some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Chorus:
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Yeah some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love him
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

Chorus:
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

f I ain't got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Back By Demand

Admit havent been unfaithful posting my blog... And back by popular demand im back. Have been rather busy these weeks too many to write... so many things to update yet so little time.

Today is supposed to be an outing day... looking forward to go treetop walk.. but health fail me. I was feeling sick, so today i stayed at home and hibernate :) hopefully tomorrow i will be able to come back to work roaring...

Work has become a chore, for the first time ever in my work history, i have decided to quit my job without finding one first. This was the 2nd time the whole dept have the mass resignation in less than 2 years. I dread tat kind of feeling going to work since changes took place... too much policting to bear. So the best way is to get out of their internal affairs.

In about 2 weeks time, i will be going to surgery soon. Doctor found out that there is a cyst on the right side of my ovary and operation is needed in for removal. At first when i heard the news i was too shock to response. I thought this kind of thing will not land on me. Friends around me assure me its commonly found in a woman, but i dont want to take any chance of ignoring it. Reality sets in and now i hv come in terms with it. But i know all things will work out good to those who love God.

Thank God for the constant support He has bring into my life. Friends around me just surrounded me with their love. One thing i have found out about God is that He will not allow His children to walk alone :) He is so amazing....