Kang Tan & I Part II


Pictures of me and Kang Tan together ... dont u think she is so cool with her new found sunglass :)

His Instrument

God let me be your light to shine through darkness
Cause your light to shine on me Lord so they will see you in me

God let me be your heart to feel the hurting
When there is need arises i will touch them with your healing

Let me be an instrument of your love to reach out
in this cold world where all hatred and strife is all about

God let it be me as i obey your call
Little by little even it pains to surrender to give you my all

You have been my help and strength in times of troubles
You are the one i call upon when i thought my life is over

And with what i have i will give it back to you for your use
because of the love i have for u i will render it back all to you

An Afternoon With My God mum


I was at home the whole day... counting my cost deciding which company to be in.. so i was mending my own business and my god mum came down today to bring food for my granny. Yes tonight, im going to write about her...

Since young growing up in my granny's house, i always heard many good report about her, how she is so fillial to the elders and how good she is and she has always been an example for all of us to follow... she works hard without complaining... a typical virtuous wife that you can find in the bible Proverbs 31

Though she is a good woman and deserves a man to love her whole heartedly but life is always so full of twist and turn... we expect good woman will end up marrying a good man, but its always the other way round..

My uncle has not been a faithful man to her for many years and he is a hard core gambler i should say he is the 'black sheep' in the family... everytime things started and happen bcos of him. Throughout my growing up years, i witness many unpleasant things.

Years past, by God's grace, i was the first christian in my family, i recalled at that time when God touched my world from that moment i knew life took a new turn then follow by my sister but now she is far from God. And later on i witness to my cousin Dave which is my godmum's son. What the bible say is so true.. if one is saved, eventually the whole household will be saved..

My cousin witness to my godmum, eventually thank God she gave her heart to HIM. I can see that dramatic change in my godmum when God came into her heart.. she was so changed and she threw away all her idols that she has worship all her life! Suddenly i thought i saw a new woman :) a woman full of strength and so much peace within her.. she is no longer the sad face lady full of life toil on her face, infact she is glowing with God's love.

Today she came down and came to my room, we had a long talk, we talk about life, talk about God and i asked her if ever she thought of leaving my uncle since he is in a very bad shape now.. she say she didnt want to leave him, she say bcos of God's love that is in her, she has learn to forgive and let go and move on with God. I could feel so much love and peace of God came within her :) for a moment, i thought i have backslided.. haha.. sometimes i feel so pai seh compare to her passion for God and mine is a long distance away..

I prayed for her.. haha first time in chinese..and ministered to her and we cried, God is in our midst in my humble room.. tears of gratitude for God seems to flow uncontrollably from our eyes.. God is faithful and He will take care of us.

Then my Godmum so sweet, she in turn ask me if i have someone in mind... i am so shy.. haha.. dont really know how to answer her, all i ask her is to pray for me.. then without hesitation, she grab my hands close eyes and prayed in chinese and Teo Chew.. though the prayer for a husband from her seems simple but its so full of love and sincerity.. she was asking God to bring my knight to me, a harvester to protect and take care of me, someone that is true... etc..

i chuckled while she prayed i felt so sweet, God must have heard her.. haha.. so we end our day with prayer and a big hug! What an afternoon with her and i know that my man is on the making...

And ending that leads a new begining..

Yes, its in the middle of the nite again... and back to blog today.. actually was about to go to sleep but one of my friend ask me to watch a show in channel U " How to say I do". Its a show about telling and expressing how people felt towards each other.

And today there is a lady who has make up her mind and today she is going to express her liking to a friend of hers that she has been carrying a touch for him for 5 long years. They have known each other for 10 years being school friends etc.. i wonder where did she gather all her courage to express how she feel? I guess it must be very tormenting liking someone yet cant seems to recipocate back her feelings.. so she decided to seek media help hoping that that man that she harbour liking for will say Yes to her..

Much work and preparation is done for her.. she went the extra mile to do her hairdos.. manice and pettie cure, seek professionals abt her out fit etc... many days work just simply wait for that special day to come just to impress someone she really hope to be with..

The moment of truth came, they decided to fix him up at one of the resturant and when the celebrity brought him to her, and when the curtain is drawn, i can see the awarkardness in the man's eyes.. yes to a certain extend i guess he must be touched by her sincerity..

Then for the lady.. she gathers her courage by singing a chinese song 'Love requires courage' then she tell him how she feels.. the liking for him for years seems to take into a different height. She is just so in love with him.. and she bravely expressed out her fondness to him.. oh man.. its so touching.. i cried :) its such and emotional sight, if a man i like will to do that.. i will say yes without any hesitations.

But reality is cruel after all... whatever the lady effort that has been done for many days all is being exchange for one sentence from the man...' its best we are better off as friends' i can see tears swell up in her eyes.. i cried with her too.. it sounded so silly.. as if im just like her.. i can understand how she must have felt. She is so brave, if for me i dont know how to take a 'No" for and answer if a man i like rejected me out front on national TV.

All her hopes that she longs to be with him has been crushed instanteously without betting an eye lid, truth really hurts but i guess its better off this way.. rather than pinning and hoping at guessing and thinking whether he loves me or he loves me not..least it came to an end of her dreams being with him.. i think it may do the lady good so that she can move on with her life to really seek out the man who really love and cherish her, life is too short to be wasted on just a man's rejection:) today's rejection maybe tomorrow accepectance from another person... so as long as we dont give up finding the right one.. im sure we will meet one day :)

Thats life i guess, im sure she will be stronger and its that man lost anyway. I always believe that love works both ways. It will not be fair if one party gives more all the time :)

Well i do hope he will do that too :) but sometimes somethings in life is not up to us to decide. I always wonder will he be the one for me? We are so different in many ways yet i like his character :) that is why it attracts me to him. So what if feelings for both of us are mutual but yet cant be together? So much hesitations and uncertainities that lies ahead of us.

Seriously i cant really think so much now for myself, so many urgent issues on hand and i have just to put aside my own agenda for awhile...i miss him though.. not use of having him not around :) as he is away serving the nation.. he will be gone for weeks.. well life goes on... and on...

This peom was written for Louisa and and John.. it was meant for them as i have promise to write for them for their wedding card.

Here it goes..

Two hearts two lives
So differently made but now they beat as one
This love so sweet yet so divine
Happily seeing them leading a new life
Who would have thought they are make for each other?
It must be God who brought them together
So with all the well wishes from family and friends
To the newly couple may they marriage will be bliss forever.

Take Me Back....

Take me back to the first time where we first met
Take me back to the first love where my heart is intact

Take me back to the place where we used to gather
With you beside me so much faith, joy and laughter

Take me back to your presence Lord
Where grace is found when I surrender all

Oh take me back and lead me on forever
Under your wings as we soar together

As I place all my hopes and dreams in you my master and friend
I know my future is in good hands

Heaven

Some say heaven is a place where everyone longs to go
A place no pain or sorrow

Some say heaven is a place where we can play all day
And forgetting all our troubles away

But I say heaven is a place where we meet God face to face
And worshiping Him together all day

Heaven is a place where there is no tears
As God has already drive away all fears

Heaven is a place where sadness disappear
Because God is always near

So I say heaven is a wonderful place to stay
Where all the saints will gather there one day

Walking with Him

There are moments that we go through mountain tops
There are moments that we go through deep valleys

But I know no matter where you go Lord
My heart will always follow

There are times I may sulk like little child
As things in my life is not what I thought all about

But again because of your unfailing love that never ceases
It gives me reason to believe that all these while you are here right beside me

Being with you on this journey can be anticipating
As each step i may not know where you are leading

So Lord please be my heartbeat when mine is hurting
Be my feet when my strength is failing
Be my guide when my sight is weakening

Help me to complete my walk with you
because you are my God since my youth

Some day i will see you face to face
And one thing i will do forever is to be in your warm embrace

Depression

Deeper and deeper to the valley I go
Not knowing when my life is going to be unfold

Been in this circle for so long
Up and down this coaster ride for gone

Wish that I will be out of this pit
But who can really help me out of it

Friends along me started to cheer me up
But I know I can only be the one who can gear myself up

Don’t know when this monster will go away
So that I can go out to the field and play

Friendship with all of you ...


Hahaha... er... nothing much.. but just a quick snap shot ..
i took together with Kan Tan today... haha.. Nice :) power! Hey Kan Tan.. Thanks for your friendship.. Let me recap what we learn in cell today.. Our character is tested.. in the daily.. or should i say weekly irritation? haha.. tks for allowing me to "irritate" or "disturb" you weekly :) cheers to our friendship..



Nothing beats in the company of many good friends.. thanks for making my birthday such a memorable one :) Though my oil king has not arrive yet.. But God surrounds me with many good friends to be with me on this day. Cant thank you people enough.... May we all grow old together :)

Hey John: whr is my man hunt? Got pray for me boh?
Kan tan : if you want your cafe fast.. pray more than 3 times can? hahaah.. hurry up.. time is ticking liao... tick tock.. tick tock...

When God Seems Silent

Finally broke into writing my blog again. Yes its in the middle of the night while the whole world is half asleep. When back home.. feeling stunned, amazed, over wheelemed by His grace once again. Yes He did it again for me :) He is like a superman that come to my rescue just in time of need. He is like the hero that rescue me from the hands of the villians and take me back into His arms. He is ever so faithful when im so faithless, He is the hope of the dawn and the light of the tunnel. Yes He is my God, my help, my comforter in times of need...

Looking back, one and half months ago I was in my pit. Pit of despair, pit that i thought i will take a long time to come out of it. I have an obstacle to go through, im looking for a job and i need to find one fast to meet ends needs. I have try all ways and not to be passive about it... but "luck" seems not to be on myside. Those jobs that i wanted always never seems to pass by my way... I was very discourage.. funds are depleting and im into my panick mode. I went into depression, but however i almost wanted to give up but i didnt..

Many times i wanted too.. but i tell myself surely there will be a job for me. Edwin, Meijie & Martin got they job on the spot and i didnt even have any offer coming in. I grin with envyness and i wish God will quicken His favour towards me. I felt forsaken.. abandon.. thrown aside and left to "die" and survive on my own. Felt God must have forsaken me.. i cried.. i whined.. i pleaded with God many nights but nothing seems to work.

But i kept on going.. the waiting part is the most daunting and unbearable, i tithle to God my last pay check, i give offerings beyond the normal giving, just to grab God attention and make His head turn towards me in hope that He may take notice of my giving.

Last two weeks i cant feel God, though service and cell group is good i just somehow feel miles apart from Him. I do a spiritual check and i realise that... my heart is begining to harden and cold.. where is that passion for Him has gone too? I think im overly disappointed with life, and everything around me i wonder will i really get to see the light after the tunnel?

Just as i was really beyond discouragement, i even told Jane if there is a mountain i want to run and hide so tat at least i dont have to look so down and beaten.. haha im so useless all i want to think of is to run and hide away from people and circumstances.Im really at my lowest peak... how much further i can go? Sleepless nite, fund depleting, so stressful ...

Miracles came to me on Friday while i was at home preparing to go out for another so call interview... I recieve a call from this company and so i decided to give a try... Lo and behold when i lest expected, miracles awaits to be unfold. I got the JOB! Yes no joke... its not a prank .. i got a job and when it came so suddenly.. i almost cant breathe.... Finally i thought to myself God has finally set His eyes on me! He finally set His miracles for me.. just for ME! All in all the job was a jump for me to another level. An executive position that enable me to travel with SEA region. It was like a dream coming true :) I have always wanted to do regional role as a HR person and it will be a good opportunity for growth.

Coming to think of it, i realise that life is really so unpredictable, yesterday was feeling like in the pit of hell looking for an exit, the next moment before you know it you are on your way to heaven. God comes in when i least expected it and each day is like a brand new day awaiting for new things new miracles to be unfold. Never say never in life thats for sure in life and life itself is never guaranteed.

Attitude Of Gratitude

During the last two weeks which when im at my lowest moment point of my life, i thought that it my life is going to be it.. hopless.. aimless.. and i felt God miles away from me really. But my cell members came in as God's hand and love at my lowest moments... they extended their concern for me and they are always so believing when my faith seems low...

So i wish to thank the following angels that have come by my way to encourage me and see me thru...

Thow Wee: You always amazes me :) really, you are so encouraging when i cant find my way.. and yet week in week out your smses.. call and prayer are so uplifting. During this time, you have been a great help :) though you may not think you have done alot but i think you have done whatever you could to help me. Thanks friend... looks like we are going up the valley again and this journey with you have been exciting..

Laurel: Remember the lunch you bought me the other day on Prem's birthday? We spoke much and you understand much :) Until now... my stomach is still craving for the chicken pepper steak. Anymore treat from you? haha... Thanks, it really warms my heart. And i know you have share my joy too :)

Ah Beng: Ah Beng ah beng... thanks for your wonderful idea of setting up the stall outside expo hall ... haha.. too bad i dont need liao nor i need to call for .." Tissue paper... tissue paper.. i want to call call call call... the tissue paper." hehehe... thanks ah beng for being so funi at times.. Thanks for your support too :)

Sharon: What can i say about you.. :) haha.. im beyond words. We seems to have the same kind of thinking at times and our friendship are rather unique. Thanks for your concern and love over all these years.. i do get to see the lighter side of you now.. hehee.. Thanks for your card and indeed all things will work out good to those who love God. May you find your career break thru soon.. believing with you :)

Sabrina: Hey sleeping pill.. i thank God for you too. I guess you do understand how i feel and thanks for the time u stood there listening.. You are such a blessing to have as a friend... Remember that Sunday you pass me an envolpe i was so touched by the love gift you give.. though it may not be millions.. haha.. but i do feel the love you have for me :) Thanks for standing by me.

Edwin: Hey edwin... though you beat me in getting the job first but however... we started work on the same day LOL :) Thanks for the encouragement you have shown and may we thrive on our careers... Lets shine for God in the market places..

Louisa: You have been my support all these while whether outwardly or inwardly. Your inner strength and sensitivity always amazes me. Thanks for being my friend and you have been a great " driver" to me all these while hahaa.. tks so much for all your prayers and love :)

John: I will never forget how 3 of us held hands in Louisa's car and prayed. Your prayers are always so sincere and true and so POWER..haha.. God must have heard you and He quicken my process of my job hunt.. Now i have another task for you..please help me pray for my 'man hunt' haha ..

Ling Siang: As i have said before you are one of the best leader anyone could ever have, thanks for being there and standing by believing with me :)

Chau Chau: Superman.. though your show is not so SUPER.. but i still think you are superb :) thanks for praying for me with siang in church that week for my job... Er.. i promise.. i will still continue to cause you to be long suffering.. haha..

Na Na: Dont know if you got a chance to read this blog, if you do, just want to let you know that your sms and calls always comes least expected haha.. hmm... i enjoy your friendship! You so fun to be with! Thanks for your encouragement.

Xiao Mei : I know you have been worried for me thanks for your prayers... and now... haha.. we can go shopping again liao.

Simon: Though we may not talk alot even if we do.. i always like to tease and 'swan' you but hor i remember your msn telling me not to be disheartened when i m feeling low.. and it gave me hope to hope again :)

Jane: Kan tang.. kan tang... thanks for the whining and sighing i hv given you.. haha.. i know u care for me :) thanks for being so positive... and your blog is always so inspiring write more k.

Joyce: You have been a fun person to hang out with.. though we may be in the same boat at that time without a job u still encourage me :) i pray that your job will come soon too.. and its been fun knowing you.. Thanks for the friendship you hv given.

debbie: Just started to know you at first i thought you are a quiet person who doesnt talk much, but hor.. as the days goes by.. im wrong haha.. still water runs deep.. you are indeed one of them :) Hope to get to know you better in time to come..

Shufen: Thanks for your concern too and your support :) Hope to get to know you better.

Too much to write and too many people to thank for :) I guess all friends are God sent. I want to thank my family too especially my ah ma.. she has been my support all these while, and bearing my nonsense at home hahaha.. thanking her that she did not nag at me... hahaaha.. I love you ah ma! Not forgetting my sister, she has been quite concern for me too!

But most of all i want to thank God :) for everything.. for giving me all these friends and family memebers to hold during those stormy moments. Thanks you Jesus... you are indeed my SUPERMAN!

Got to go... till then.. stay tune for more blogs.. and let the other part of my new journey life begins..

(This is a poem I have spent thru the nite to compose for Prem, for his birthday... Hope he will like it)


I Live For Him

Before I know it I was born
into this world full of thorns

Where there is hatred and constant fight
I always fend my life with all my might

Every day when Im awake
decision upon decision I have to make

So many times I done it wrong
and I thought all my future is gone

Life to me seems ableak
and I thought I may not make it

Just as I thought I will drown my sorrows
but you came into my life an give me a tomorrow

Your light seems to came into me
to penetrate my inner being

So today as I stand
in the company of many good friends

Through thick and thin
they have been
but nothing beats the strength from within

As today I grow a year older
I pray I will be one year wiser

Now I can say today is really my day
as I will live my life nothing but by God's way

Living in a closet

Who is this little girl living inside my closet?
Why is she trying to hide?

Running away from her past
Hiding this shell behind
Here is that little gal who used to gone astray
When life seems cant let have her way

Past seems like a leech that always stick
But here she is determine to come out it

Talk to an angel friend that day
As that little girl seems to lost her way

That angel asked her to let the leech go
So that the real girl inside her can glow

Hard for this little girl it may seems
But friends cheers kept comimg in
To give her courage that she need

So from now till then
This little girl in the closet is coming out
slowly but surely
with confidence, boldness and with a shout

As break through is on its way
Come on girl
Dont you stray, hold fast to your belief
Dont give up halfway

Cloudy days and stormy nights will soon go away

Sanctuary

When my world was in darkness
You spoke your word
Night turn into day
Your beauty filled this place

When my world stood in silence
You filled my heart with songs that never end
Forever I will Praise

To think that the univese could not withhold your glory
you choose to live in me
Im so amazed

And I worship you Lord
My life in you restored
Here is my heart make it your sanctuary
For nobody else but Jesus only you

You are faithful and true
Glorious Lord all my life its you I adore

You've touched my soul
Completed my world
I surrender to you

And I worship you Lord
My life you restored
Here is my heart make it your sancturay
For nobody else but Jesus only you

Staying Young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry
about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. (Keep Me! Keep Me! :) The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In
mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the
brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who
makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire
life, is yourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. How about your relationship with God?

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country,
but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

My Spiritual Family :)

Blog

Realise that my blog was actually read by some of the close sisters almost daily... haha they told me that they are my 'die hard fans'... so in order not to disappoint them.. i will try to write something everyday whenever i can...

Actually, im not someone who likes to reveal much of my inner thoughts as im afraid i will get vunerable while people will ask me if im okay or not thru my writings. The only thing i show my blogs to closer ones is because as i write... they can also keep a look out for me in my life. I still need friends to be accountable for :) due to busy schedules for most Singaporeans most ppl log on to the computer more than to calling friends... so i guess when they popped by this blog at least we can keep watched over each other's being :P

I used to write journal since young, not sure from where i have learn to cultivate this habit of writing however I find it very theraputic when i jot my thoughts down. Whenever im down and out... whenever im feeling over the moon.. i like to write it down. And once is over and done with i felt as if tons of feelings has been loaded off my chest and i can continue my journey again :)

I was introduce to blog by Louisa and since then my journal diary has been emptied to online. I find it good as its easy to retrieve and i think its away to save the forest trees hahha..

Just wanna to thank all who are sharing this blog with me... thank you for watching over me :)

A fall

Got home today feeling abit sick after going for an interview... was supposed to be in bible class but i didnt make it :(

I took shower and behold... i fell on my back and hurt my head and hip bone... never did i have that kind of fall and the impact was really bad.. i was blackout in my shower room and my auntie heard the noise and she called me.. i heard her voice and i somehow woke up.. my head hurts and my hip bone is so painful..

But thank God, at least im able to stay awake thru out.. My grandma was at my sister's place i give them a call... i was crying ... hahah.. feeling like a baby.. how i wish someone is there to hold me it will ease my pain..

My granny rush back with my sister and my brother in law... they are so kind.. :) i knew im so loved by them. My sis took ice cube to put on my head and rub on my back.. :) hmm.. maybe she should be a nurse instead.. and as she was rubbing my brusies... out of no where suddenly she sing that "Da chang jin" song... wu la la .. wu la la... hahah.. she say she is chang jin number two.. bet she can still joke while im still in pain..

I still finds it funny and i thank God for my family that loves me :)

Waiting on God...

This morning i was a woken up by an sms. It was from a sister whom im close with :) Though im still struggling to wake up, i stayed in bed and reached out for my handphone. It was a real pleasant surprised to see her sms. I always felt very affirmed and encouraged by her messages and concern for me :0)

She was telling me that i was in her mind this morning (its good to be remembered especially in the morning) and how she is bless by the friendship i have given her etc... wow i thought wat a great day to start off with those encouragement.

I remember one thing she said, she said that God maybe wants me to be single for just a while more before my heart finding a home. To me.. haha.. the first thought is what's got to do when u are hitched and ministry. hmm... maybe God knows that i can be more focus and He must have know how i emotionally attached i will be hee... hee...

Its always good to have someone to share ur ups and downs.. guess life will be different when u have found someone. But i do hope that i will not be so man focus even if God give me the man of my dreams.. hahah... my "oil king".. haha..

Like what i say before, life is more meaningful when u reach out and bless others together with my future partner to serve God together :)

Many times i used to think and struggle will such day come? Where all the sisters are talking about weddings.. marriage.. proposal... rings.. houses.. relationship stuff.. at that nite of fellowhsip, it really left me thinking.. what if... what if tat day it didnt come? Will i still hold on? Will i just cruise on life disappointed.. haha.. i pray God will forbide that! I always wanted to have a family.. i want to raise up godly kids.. to learn to put others first and teach them the ways of God. Seriously i pray and hope that the wait will not be so long...

just like wat the bible says in Ps 27: 14

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait I say, on the LORD!

Many times like what the word says.. its the waiting part.. But how many of us here really wait on God's best? Many friends i know got tired and weary while waiting and they end up marrying their "Mr Right" but end up so wrong. I hope i wont come into that end.. Sometimes it seems so impossible but i must keep telling myself i must believe God is the giver of good things. He will come true for me... i dont know how? I dont know when.. maybe its just a step away, a line across or maybe miles apart, maybe in order process.. God knows whats best for us and i know somehow i will get to meet my "oil king" one day :)

Night Out With Er Mei Pie... Where are the Wu Dang Pie?

Its Not Just About Me Anymore..

One of the luxury i have now is to rest and sleep late and wake up later... As im still in my resting mode after the operation, i managed to catch up and talk to some of my friends.

Life is full of many choices we make.. the decision we make today will either break us or make us a better person.

Recently, i was talking with a friend, and catching up with each other's life, she was relating that she actually like someone who is not a christian. I guess its not so easy for someone like her to like a guy. This man must have won her over by the things he do. I can see whenever she talks about him, sparks are in her eyes. But somehow i can understand her concern and her struggles. How many times... its our will Vs God's will, it must be hard for her to feel this way... carrying a torch for a man whom she cant be with.

I can identify with her i have been thru that before. Sometimes it really boils down to giving up our 'Isaac' before God can give us our precious. Life is always a constant struggle, how i wish i dont have to struggle and wrestle so hard. But if God say so no unequal yoke im sure He must have His reasons for everything.

When things happen, we always like to ask God why? And as if we demand an explaination from Him. But come to think of it, God is God why should He give us all the answers for life's questions? We have been spoilt :) always like a little child wanting our own ways.

Have talk to another sister too that nite, im happy for the first time there is such an openess and mutual trust between us. I see her always smiling whenever i see her but behind every smile there is lots of tears to cover up. Life has not been fair to her, its as if all life problems comes in her way and throw at her. For a moment i thought if i can turn into a fairy godmother and wand off all her fears and uncertainties away :) But good thing is she is strong and learning to trust God in every steps she takes. Sure there will be down moments, but it will not be long she will be up again. She has encouraged me to look at life at a brighter side. When u think that u have alot of problems to tackle look at over the other side there will be sure someone who is more problematic than u. But as long as God is there, we will be fine.

Life is not just about me anymore, there are so many needs to be met, hurts to be heal and i just cant sit down and wait for my mircale to happen. I just want to do my part to help whenever i can. Im sure when im putting God's Kingdom first, God will not short change me, He will fullfilled all the desires of my heart.

After hearing so many stories and struggles, i decided i want to move on further with God to another level where He wants to lead me. Somehow i could feel a change in me.. dont know how to explain it but i know changes are for the better.

I will try to help whenever i can and go the extra mile for others. Like how others have helped me to walk on with God. Life is really a journey, through ups and down ... and when i have reached my destination one day, i will hear Him say Well Done My faithful servant!

Coming Home

Home is where the heart is... I finally understood this truth. I have been away from home about 5 days to a place where most of us dread to go - Hospital.

Admission ( 10 May 2006, Wednesday )

10 May 2006 i was admitted to hospital for a minor operation. I felt funny admitting alone as most of the patients around me have their kins around them. I am someone who doesnt like to bother people much... so i ask my grandma to enjoy her Mother's Day Lunch with my uncle 's family while i can admit own my own. Guess i have learn to be self-reliant throughout these years. A gal who has been living independently away from the wings of her parents, will always somehow surivive stronger and tougher :)

Anyway, Joanna, Tau wee, Chris & Hui nan come over to visit me on the first day before the ops. It was so nice of them to keep me company. Tw was afraid that im bored he even bought magzines and food for me.. Their kind gestures really touches me :)

Day 1 of Operation ( 11 May 20o6, Thursday )

Dawn break came, i hardly had a wink wondering how will my operations be.. i was getting a little bit worried how am i going to be like when i am going thru the operations. Before i was wheeled to the operations theatre, i managed to see my mum and my grandma and i waved them 'goodbye'...

I was afraid as i do not know what is expected of me, as i was put onto the opeating bed immediately the nurses and doctors hands are all over me to fix up all the apparatus for the surgery. A mask was pull over my head and i kept hearing them to ask me to breathe harder... before i know it, i was knocked out by the anathestic.

The moment i opened my eyes, i heard someone calling my name. I thought to myself am i dead or alive? A waved of relived washed over me as i know that operation is over and it took quite awhile for me to wake up, doctor told me it was a difficult operation as they have to be skillful enough to remove the blood cyst from both side of my ovaries without cutting them away. Thank God for His divine protection.

I was in my dreamy stage while i was been taken back to my ward.. i can see happy faces of my loved ones around me as my operations took about 6 hours. I ask them to leave as they waited for a long time, though i wish they could stay awhile longer :)

Visitation

Just then about 7 plus Ling Siang and prem came over and to visit me :) I was very happy to see them and we talk for awhile. Follow by that, most of my cell memebers came that nite to visit me... people like Sharon, Sab, laurel, Lousia, ah beng, John, yen chau and xiao xin... and also kim my ex member. Though i was very tired after the ops, i was very thrilled to see them... i tried to stay awake and talk to them. I can feel their concern and love for me im really very happy to be in this part of this family.

Day 2 of Operation ( 13 May 2006, Friday )

Im someone who cannot endure pain, grandma will know i will scream at the slightest pain but surprisingly the pain is quite bearable. On the day two of operation, i have started to get up to walk. I tell myself i must get up if not i will be confine to this bed. I thank God for His protection and healing over me. My family members , shufen, jenny and joanne came and visited me and being a hyper person, i am so thrilled when people came and visit me in this cold, boring hospital.

Day 3 of Operation ( 14 May 2006, Saturday )

Lousia came to visit me around 12 plus and kind of missed my fellowship days with my kakis.. hopefully i can recover fast and be up and going... how i wish i can go and fellowhship with the members today as they are going for bbq at Marina South.. Yen chau, ah beng, sharon, sab and ah teck popped by around 5 plus to visit me... i was over the moon.. i really appreciate all of them coming...

Day 4 of Operation ( 15 May 2006, Sunday )

Finally the long wait, i can go home le. How i missed home and missed my bed.. Never felt happier to be back at my own nest. My sister and brother-in-law came and picked me up and im just so relieved to see the world again :)

Reflections

After staying so many days in the hospital, i came into a conclusion. Your body really matters. Our body is God's temple and i can see how it can affects our life being. We need to have a healthy temple so that we can do the works of God and take care of others. So i must take care of my body from now :)

During these few days of stay, i feel so loved by the people around me. Family members, cell members called, sms and they even came all the way to visit me. They could have not come... but they did. I can feel their love and concern :) i know that im not alone in this walk and we will be there to lift each other's up when one is down. Just want to thank you all people for the visitation, encouragement, and your prayers :) surely you all have make a great difference in my life!

If ain't got you (Alicia Keys)

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Yeah some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Chorus:
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Yeah some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love him
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

Chorus:
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

f I ain't got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Back By Demand

Admit havent been unfaithful posting my blog... And back by popular demand im back. Have been rather busy these weeks too many to write... so many things to update yet so little time.

Today is supposed to be an outing day... looking forward to go treetop walk.. but health fail me. I was feeling sick, so today i stayed at home and hibernate :) hopefully tomorrow i will be able to come back to work roaring...

Work has become a chore, for the first time ever in my work history, i have decided to quit my job without finding one first. This was the 2nd time the whole dept have the mass resignation in less than 2 years. I dread tat kind of feeling going to work since changes took place... too much policting to bear. So the best way is to get out of their internal affairs.

In about 2 weeks time, i will be going to surgery soon. Doctor found out that there is a cyst on the right side of my ovary and operation is needed in for removal. At first when i heard the news i was too shock to response. I thought this kind of thing will not land on me. Friends around me assure me its commonly found in a woman, but i dont want to take any chance of ignoring it. Reality sets in and now i hv come in terms with it. But i know all things will work out good to those who love God.

Thank God for the constant support He has bring into my life. Friends around me just surrounded me with their love. One thing i have found out about God is that He will not allow His children to walk alone :) He is so amazing....

TIC TAC TOE Affair

Went to a tic tac toe orgainise by church. Remembering the nite before it... Sharon and myslf have a discussion if we are going to participate it or not. I kind of regret it to sign up as i tot that friendship will be forge better in a more natural way. It's so irony.. those couples friends of mine they wanted to go but single like us dread this kind of feeling. Guess they will not be able to understand how we must hv felt.

But i went anyhow after much thought. I was the first one to be there and follow by my members. So happy and pleasantly surprise to see S.... Hmm... at first he say he didnt go but he turn up :)

It was a whole day even and we went to mount faber for lunch and play some games on the bus. To my surprised... i was awefully quiet that day. Talk when i needed to and i know that when i told my close friends how quiet i was they laughed with unbelief.. :)

Well being an extrovert most of the time doesnt mean that u cant be withdrawing from the crowds. But it was a good exprience to have when i attended the outing. We also went to fish farm and shopping malls do some projects and heading straight to Sembangwan ship yatch for dinner.

What and awesome sight i thought. A place to chill out with your friends. The sunset was so was mesmerizing and the food is sumptous... Haha.. i thought im more attracted to food then the people around.

Award is given, Chau got Mr charming award... hm... "charming" indeed :) Simon really lift up to his name as he has become Mr Witty...

Nothing much after tat nite, get to know some friends and headed straight to sack after that..

Fellowship OF The Unashamed - Return Of The Saints...

Pastor has another farewell lunch with the pioners with Sun... this time it was with the whole family of them... So happy to see Pastor Kong and Sun and baby Dyan. Happiness is written all over on their faces... i can feel their happiness..

Over the lunch table i was sitting alone... starting was bored... bored and so bored... no one to talk too.. sharon and siang are at the other table, while Huinan and Christopher are at the other side. Im left all alone :( the people i seat with we dont really talk much, just weather talks.

Then we started to play games, and sharon's table got sabo... they went out to the stage and dance the steps of "You turn my mourning into dancing", quite hilarious. Then pastor Kong bought Dyan around our tables and i saw him, our eyes met and we exchange smiles :)

Lunch was served it was sumptous and im still feeling very bored no one to talk too and i tried to act busy by playing with my phone hahaha... then pastor Kong came and he spoke on the stage with Sun. He say he is happy to be here with his family as the first luncheon he cant make it. And he say he is very happy to see some of the pioneers...

Suddenly it took me by surprised that he pointed at my directions and he mentioned my name! He said that he is very happy to see me there... For a moment i thought, heaven split open for me as if God has come down from heaven and called my name :) Its been such a long 17 years and since then I havent been coming up close and personal with pastor. I guess this is a day i felt im never forgotten or out of his mind... Likewise with God, He remembers us and calls us by name. This will be a day i will always remember and it meant alot to me...

Well, after that something happen... people in my table started to talk to me after Pastor mentioned my name... they scope veg and noodlees for me at that table and i feel so...... sigh... they should treat me the same not until Pastor mentioned my name... i really dont know wat to say... after all they are humans.. :)

Anyway, i have a memorable time didnt really bother whether people know me or not... but im just glad to be part of this big spiritual family.

3 Things..

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back
1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost
1. Love
2. Peace
3. Hope

Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love
2. Self-confidence
3. Friends

Three things that make a person
1. Hard work
2. Sincerity
3. Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a person
1. Alcohol
2. Pride
3. Anger

Three things that are truly constant - Father - Son - Holy Spirit

Till Death Do Us Part...

Got to know a friend's ah ma just pass on few days ago, must have been real hard on him as she is the only source that pulls the family together. Now that she is gone, wonder what will happen to him. Kind of felt his pain and helplessness. The pain of losing someone can be very unbearable. Life is such... come today and gone tomorrow. I guess it must be odd to feel that the person that used to see someone daily pass on.. and the next day when u wake up from the sleep, you know that things are going to be different, the person you love from this day on and for the rest of the months and years to come by may not be there anymore. The only thing that goes on is time... time moves along despite of the temperature of your heart, so used to think i will never get over certain issues or person or even circumstances that come along your life... but i was wrong, time... give over a period does heals and forget..

I experience this lost years ago when my ah gong pass on infront of me... All along since young he is more like a father to me than my real father.. Death knocks at his door wating without us knowing... and it took away the person i loved most :( thats why i hated goodbyes.. departures.. i hated to go to hospitals not to say even funeral wakes... the feeling is undescrible. It draws out every emotions and strength from you..

Thats why we must go and tell our loved ones about Jesus... I want to meet them in heaven someday. No wonder God always tells us to reach the lost, go to the highways and byways... I can now understand why God says that while there is still time we have to work, while there is still a chance to tell them God loves them...

What A Friend I've Found

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than brother

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

(By Delirious)

Kind of like this song very much. Though this may be a simple song, but i thought the lyrics reflected on how im feeling... Oh what a true friend i have found in Jesus... closer than my very breath.

I never know how Jesus can be so close more than a friend if things around me didnt take changes. People change as they grow from one season to another. I have learn a valuable lesson. Friends will not be with you forever no matter how close you are with them :) what a lesson to learn! Thats why im not going to pin much hope on people...we are human after all we tend to fail from time to time. That is why i needed God ever more.

Guess really christianity is really a life of solitude... between you and your saviour, of cos we still can be intact with people around us and love them but like wat the bible says "Whom have I in heaven but you.. there is nothing on earth I desires besides you ..."

I have learn not to put my hope on people ... people will change from time to time but God remain :)

How Do You Cope With Change?


Things in life are always changing... its never constant. Within a short span of time i realised people around me kept changing.. Friends from singlehood to finding a partner, from a broken heart to anticipate in finding someone new in his life.. from someone who is jobless and found a better job. (Remember i blog about a brother who gave up his Issca to God? Within a week or two, he found a much better paying job offer). Im so happy for him, and God really works in a mysterious way. I guess what my close friend say is rite, God will not give u wat you cant handle. I really started to believe when you chose to give your precious to God, He will turn your situation around. God honor him and i really share his joy. God is so good to him :)

Coping with changes... hmm... i guess things are different now, i know people change from time to time. I dont believe everything is forever, even for close friends or kinship. Life is so full of twist and turns... And im starting to believe tat nothing is forever. People come and go. Its just like boarding up a bus... some people came up and stay on the journey for awhile and then leave... for others they slept thru the journey forgetting to alight... haha.. I view life as if alighting and boarding. You will not know who will stay thru out with you until you reached the final destination.

Real friends? Well.. i guess i will not place so much hope on people. They are not God. That is why im living a life of independent. For a moment i thought, why my heart has gone so cold? Where is the gal who used to smile in her storms? Im learning to stand on my own leading a independent life. Im someone who is not comfortable in eating alone in hawker or going out alone... as im always surrounded by people, but i guess this time round i have to stand on my own. Friends will not be with you forever, that is why we needed God. My heart as if have died... nothing to look forward too... but i really tried to believe God will have better plans for me. God help my unbelief.

Just heard that one of my colleague who we look up too is diagnose with cancer. So sad for him
:( i can see his teary eyes when i talk to him, i can see the despair and uncertainity, not knowing what the future holds for him... but all i can do is to pray, pray and pray... Sickness is not meant to be. Its not from God. But when it land on your lap... sigh.

This week, my heart has been so tired emotionally... changes in my work place more responsibilities are taken up, changes here, changes there... changes everywhere. Im someone who doesnt really look forward to changes, i dont really like it as you have to adapt all over again with people and situations. Perhaps the cares of life really suck every bit of from me.

Things are so different now, perhaps its should be this way when people changes. I remember one night i was on msn, talking with a friend, didnt really expect him to talk to me online as i tot that he is always cool and dont really show alot concern for others. Surprisingly he talk to me online and i realise that the world is not so cold after all. As we started our conversation, i realise that he is a deep one... not only that he really cares about me and our common friend too. Throughout the conversation, we didnt really talk much, but i do felt much better, at least someone cares to listen by just being there. He kept directing me to God, and though i know he is also some issues in his heart, he kept moving on. Maybe this is what maturity is all about. Pointing others to God despite of the unsloved issues in his heart :)

After him i talk to a sister online... i was lamenting to her about life.. haha.. all these while im actually having a "msn diarrhoea." Felt that God's timing is always so right on time, just when i thought wanting to retreat and go into my own world, He allowed angels like them to talk to me.

Today, i just thought of wanting to say a thank you to both of them. Im sure God will help us find a way when we seems to go through life in circle.

Hold on to God whoever is tired and weary, hold on to God come what may, hold on to His word and His promises is on the way...

Quality Time With A Saint

Was talking to a close friend today after service and we have a good time fellowshiping. Many times how i wanted to spend some time together but becos of our own agenda, our timing seems cant meet up with each other.

I thank God for the opportunity to spend some time today... though we may be very different haha... and our age is much apart, i wonder how can God ever bring someone so different to become frds. Every moment when im with her i enjoy it.. nothing about the spectacular but its just the simple things we do or share.. eating ice-creams.. and walking in the malls.

This time round, im sure i got to know her more. As she is sharing her life stories to me, i cant help to thank God for His grace always so abounding. Many times in her life she felt not appreciated or loved by her ex-memebers.. how she just lay down her life for others more than herself. All the scarifices she has make etc.. at that moment...life seems to be a bleak. Guess love really does involed risks.

But look at her now, she has managed to pull thru and she is stronger. Now she is one of the person that i looked up too alot. She is wise.. fun to be with.. always at ease with herself.

And i really pray that she will find her purpose in God and what God really want her to do in her life...

Happy Birthday Chau Chau..

Hahaha... surrounded by all the beauties...



Brotherhood....

In God We Trust

Had a talk with a brother today during fellowship and he is now facing a major transition in his life... he is going to leave a job that gives him a better promotion and future provided if he chose to go overseas for future advancement... i guess a sign of relieved is shown on his face when he has make up his mind to stay in Singapore.

Sometimes i believe, when we chose to stay in God's will and letting God move in our lives can be challenging and anticipating. Knowing our miracle maker is there to established our paths and direct us even though rite now our future may seems to be so bleak. But we do have this hope of anchor in us which is unmovable, always on time.

God is always rite on time... never too late or early... its the waiting part that we need to bear, but after the wait, we will get to enjoy the sweetness of it. Im sure all good things will come... promises of God are already on its way. Waiting for the right timing, God will not short change us as we give our Issca to him. He will give us something better in return. He has done that to many heros that has set before us and i know He will perform His mircale.

Im so thankful he didnt chose to go, there is so much potential in him to be discover and if he goes... we will be so deprive of his fellowship.. He is the one of the most stable man i ever seen in my cell.. im glad that we are walking together in this spiritual journey.

Knowing Your Seasons

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under the heaven (eccle 3:1)

These are the opening scriptures given by Pastor Ulf on Friday Service. I went there early to get seats and along with it... i went with a heavy heart... things i dont understand, got quite "tormented" last week... dont know why.. maybe i let my defenses down, thats probably why.

But this time round God didnt let me dwell on my own world for too long... He wouldnt let me too. As Pastor was preaching about seasons... i felt it speaks to me.. Be ready for your seasons... and if we know whr we are we will not miss God's timing.

Truth keep hitting me... and suddenly i could see the clouds of doubts are clearing, doubts of uncertainties, doubts that are never meant to be. How can i be so blind to see God is working in my life, and preparing me to go to the next level with him.

Lets not miss knowing which seasons of life we are in and lets be prepare for it when the it rains on us..

Love Is Beautiful


Decided to blog this beautiful love story and have decided to post it online and dedicated to one of my close friend.

Finally the moment of truth has arrival... Today my dear friend has stopped in her search for her missing piece and has found her heart landed in a home :) im so happy for her. She is a very nice gal, always accommodating... always an obliging. Many ppl are drawn to her bcos of her character.. but of cos bcos of her background it can be intimaditing being her friend.

I remember how i get to know her when i first got transfer into this new cell group, infact she is the one who first talked to me. I know i can look scary at that time but dont know whr she got such a courage and come and talk to me and be my friend.

I should say it wasnt easy for her to get into my world... maybe its God so divinely arrange in such a way tat we have become friends. Since then, things in my life has been changing. God has use her to rebuild my walls, my issues in my heart... She see things and pick up things where no one notices. She is someone tat is always ready to bless and ready to give.

I know that she has come a long way in her life and went thru quite a tough times before. How she gives up her "Isaac" for a better promise, for a better plan in God. Life is tough and full of many choices, but she still chose God . And it came to pass, God brought her a man... a man that she has been dreaming for...a man that is brave enough to tell her he loves her, a man tat is strong yet has a heart as sensitive as hers... a man tat heart just beats for her... and most importantly... a man that his heart beats for God.

I can see so many things unfold one by one in her life and i can see blessings started to pour in. She is so bless and she will be bless :) Sometimes its only when we give ur precious to God and let this mircale maker work thru us. I guess all of us who love them shared their joy, love is in the air and i can see her beaming from cheek to cheek yesterday. And i cant wait for my turn to unfold... God works thru seasons and guess this shall be hers.

God can sped things up and slow things down... for those who are still waiting for the long awaited promises to come... take heart... the person you have been pinning for is on the way... Get ready... who knows it will be your season of season soon... Just sit tight and let God be God.

So with all my love and blessings... May God bless and hold them happy ever after... :)

Summary Of My Heart

Its late at night again... guess most of the people are already dreaming... dead to the world sleeping and maybe in dreamyland.. but for me its not a norm for me to sleep early in weekends as i guess it a waste of time to sleep....

As usual stay up late again this saturday nite... outside my window i still can hear some car buzing by... right here in my room... im enjoying the stillness of the nite with a santa claus radio by myside. Guess this radio has help me to get by some quiet moments of my life and whenever im writing a blog... it has been with me since then.. nothing extra-ordinary... just a simple gift from a friend... at times when i cant get to sleep it was on and was beside me thru out the nite...

Over the next room, my grandma's cough broke the silence of the nite... she has been sick this week and i pray that she will recover soon...Since young, my granny has been a pillar of my strength, she is the one who knows me most... she knows wat i like, my dislikes... she knows all the flaws and the mistakes i have made, but yet i know she loves me most... and i cant thank God enough for her to come into my life and be under her wing since young... She is more than a granny to me... she is just like my mom... i cant imagine what life will have been all these years if she is not by myside...

Last week, we have a prayer meeting after church.. it was a good one. As far as i can remember pastor ask us to pray for our family salvation... i was praying half way ... suddenly i just feel too much emotions bottling up, i begin to break down and cry and cry... i suddenly feel the burden of their souls... i just wanted God to desparately saved them. I want to see them in heaven. All along, i thought i dont really value family ties, but there and then, i felt so burden for my family.

After prayer meeting, i went fellowship and follow by a dinner with my family. My dad threw a dinner to appreciate some of the relatives that has helped him all along and though i was sitting over the over table, i enjoyed talking to my sister's-in-laws.. they are such a loving couple and i can still see sparks in their eyes though they have been marriage for years.. I guess love should be like that, the longer it gets the stronger it becomes and the bond between two become one.

When dinner is done, dad walk towards me and show his affection to me... asking me did i enjoy my dinner and if im full. I was touched by his guestures once again :) some may think its just a normal way of asking their kids but to me even such a simple concern warms my heart. My dad has been great. Though he may not see me grow up much thru my childhood years but i still want to thank God that im part of the plan in this family. Many times i struggled, wish that im being born into a better family whr everything is being provided for on the table, people will tend to look up to the rich and despies the poor... even the bible says so.

In fact many times, i struggled and wrestled with God with so many questions & uncertainties in my life and at times im so bitter about life how its so unfair.. why do people have it all, whatever they wanted they are being provided for etc.. but time and time again God has won me over and over again... despite of so many unanswered questions.

I was talking to a friend today and was telling her that everything in life is part of His plan and purpose. Is just like the people you meet, the things you do, the decisions u make whether right or wrong, there is always and unseen force, someone from above watching every steps we take. I believe it is God who watches our steps, and im grateful to Him.

Though i know i may not be the first choice, though i may not have much to offer, though i may not be always the most popular ones, the most being sought after ones by people, the most beautiful ones, the most watever... i know God loves me just the way i am. At times, i really find hard to come in terms to believe God still loves me after all the monsters things i have done, but whenever im soak in His presence... His love convicted me.

God please help my unbelief.. in as much as i want to believe all good things will come to me. All my life, people thought that im so carefree nothing to worry for, i think every person will have to face different sets of problems. Im trying to very hard to love myself. trying to stay postive, and trying to believe that people will accept me the way i am. I find hard to love myself, even though friends tell me i have a gift of influnce and likes to dig deep into people's life... thats why so of the people dont really want to get close to me as they are afraid that i would make them feel so "naked" and vunerable with their weakness before me.

This was never meant to be, im just being myslf and i will do watever i can to help whoever in need (even though im in a recovery stage of my life too). But some they dont see it this way, andwith or without knowingly, some remarks or conversation they pass on me can be very hurting. Im a sensitive being. And i tend to feel more than others. I just want and try to help but in the end i got hurt. When im hurt i will withdraw. When i withdraw, i will go into my own world... It will be a work of God to heal me and get me of to talking..

Since my backsliding years when im in the world... i learn one thing, there is no free lunch on this earth. Whatever people do good to me there is always a motive. But i know it doesnt happen in God's Kingdom. I know that people just love and accept me of who i am but recently this bad thought just surfaced, i really cant accept to be love by my church friends... call it rejection or whatever, i find it hard to recieve it, in as much as i wanted too. It's just as if an imaginary wall has block my heart from receiving the love from others... i can give love and love others but i cant really let people to love me. i find it hard to accept.. thinking that there must be a catch in everything they do. Its very bad of me to think this way.. but i dont know why i feel this way.....

Ok ok... i think i got to stop to pen.. if not it will be endless.. its almost close to 3am ... the streets has been silence maybe most of the people are really into dreamland unlike me :) the santa claus radio is still beside me.. playing songs and i guess im going to my secret place to catch Him if i can... :)

Valentine's Day

Many may wonder... how does Valentine's Day come about... I have manage to found a story about Valentine on the net... So Just want to wish all the lovers and friends... Happy Valentine's Day....

A St. Valentine's Story

Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. That was long, long ago!

At that time, Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. I didn't like Emperor Claudius, and I wasn't the only one! A lot of people shared my feelings. Claudius wanted to have a big army. He expected men to volunteer to join. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families.

As you might have guessed, not many men signed up. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. So Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I certainly wasn't going to support that law!

Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favourite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies -- secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.

One night, we did hear footsteps. It was scary! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told that my punishment was death.

I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love.

One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, "Love from your Valentine."

I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember.

But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh -- because they know that love can't be beaten!

He Is Not Someone Meant Not To Be


12 Februray 2006, 1.00 am

Recieved a phone call last nite from him and we meet again. This time, somehow the feeling i have for him seems to changed. Maybe the decision which i have make earlier this week cause me feel this way. I have decided to move on with my life... with or without hiim. I know that sometimes the emotional attachment is there, but guess i have to manage it well and when he talks about his catholic faith... for a moment right away i know that he is not the man for me... Kinda of sad at first, thinking that he is the one ... but come to think of it.. i always tell myself, God will have a better someone for me :)

Like what Pastor Zhuang once told me before, ' When a man make a decision, the decision he make will make the men'. I have made up my mind :) and i will chose to go on ahead with God. Dont know where the road of life will lead me too.. but i know that God will be there to guide me.

My Family

Havent been home for quite awhile, i never like go home. To go back home to is like ending my freedom. Today is my dad birthday, i went to meet my sister and parents at Hougang mall for dinner..

My parents are such a simple folks... but yet a loving couple one. Love that has weathered all years and yet it kept them strong. Sometimes i really wished i can go back home and enjoy the warmth of my family... at times i think staying away will be just nice.. haha...

But anyway, we went to Han's for dinner.. I order my dad favourite fried rice, and somehow i feel good about the whole evening while i was with them, acutally i miss home. I missed my dad, how he will come and give me a pack on my back and massages me... hahaha.. he is not an expert on this and it always leave pain on my back.. but i know its a guesture for him to show me he loves me.

Actually i feel alot for my dad, on the outside, he may seems to be nice and friendly, but i know he needed God to heal him on the inside. How i wish i can just take away all the pain and despair he is feeling... Maybe man is man... they always tend to hide their feelings from their love ones. Called it ego, call it pride, but i hope he wil not hide.

My mum is more expressive, maybe being a woman she tend to voice out more vocal. In my house, my mum call shots... and my dad does the work sometimes.. and since young, i never like my mum, our views dont always meet. She is the discipline head mistress of this house.

We went shopping that sunday and my mum held on to my hand. I was happy on the inside and my heart melt... i know it i know it my mum loves me too..
But guess that the way we care for each other is different from others.

One of my resolution this year is to spend more time by visiting them more often... besides that is a place where i call home...

17 years and still going...

Today is a day where i got excited 5 Jan 06, finally i will be going to have lunch with Pastors and the pioneers in church. I was excited to see them, thinking who will still be in church.

Thinking back, how 17 years has just passed by, it just feel like yesterday when i first went to church. It was God who found me back then in Parkway... it was a moment i will never forget.

Met many familiar faces, and so glad to see them still staying fervent for God. Church is growing and getting bigger, didnt really have the chance to see all of them. But this lunch is gathering is good time for us to remise abt the good times we shared. People are more into getting in touch with each other rather than the food.. haha.. this is the first time i realise that food is not the main objective at all :)

Most of the people i know, they have already started their family, for a moment, i thought i feel so left behind.. but i know it wont be long i will have someone to call my own.. The end of the matter is always better than the begining. I just got to wait and be patient for him to appear.

Have been wanting to meet up with Pastor Kong, wondering did he still remember this little gal who used to call him brother kong. But kinda of disappointed i didnt get to see him, he is sick.. for the 2nd time after 2o yrs of serving God.

Over the teleconversation, i could hear pastor's weak voice, never in my life that i have seen the vunerable side of him. Sun and Dyan is away from home and he alone in the house. When one is sick, no matter how strong a man is there will always be a softer side of him. One thing i know, pastor love us very much. He has lay down his whole life to serve God and us, which better place i can be then to be here? Im so glad to be part of the begining...

This 17 yrs is not an easy journey, many people chose to back out, many still chose to move on... but for me i want to stay in God's house... its where i have found my home here. May we have many more happy years ahead till God come for us again.

He Touched Me

Went to church last week empty and dry ... yet my heart is longing to get a touch from God again. God never fail. He is always on time, not only he sent His presence, He sent his word.
Delirious was leading the service with prasie and worship, and once the service starts His presence ushered in.

I cry buckets in the presence of my God and i know he must have kept my tears.. Tears of fears.. tears of longing... tears of uncertainty, before i know it, it was dissolved in the presence of my King. God gave my weary heart to sing. His comfort is what i needed, just once touched from Him surpassess thousands words of man.

His presence is what i need. I feel charge up and can go on with my life.. facing the sun and walk many miles... :)

Another poem ... For God written by me:

Your word rains down on me whenever I feel weak
It refreshes me everytime when im in need

It soothes away all my pain
And always causes me to hope again

Lord you are the one I adore
And I love you with my all

Jesus take me now as I am
Do your will unto me accordingly to your plan

Till we meet each other face to face
I will continue to move on in this life's pace so
Lord I ask you to give me grace
Help me to end well this race

Jesus My All

You are my comfort, my hope my all
when life gives me no reason to have it all

I will go and run to you and pray
And I know my answers is on the way

Your word oh Lord i depend
And every trial i will pass the test

So with each new day that come my way
Hope I can shine for you every day

(composer: by me :)

What is meant to be is to be...


I have been out of sight, out of mind here. Just to much to blog too much feelings to reveal.

After the emotional attachment i have felt for him, i guess he is looking for a companion more than a hand to hold. Last week, my emotions went on a roller coaster ride! Up and down and ... high and low... the feeling is exciting but yet unbearable at times. I guess i have out grown my guessing game.. hide and seek.. guessing who likes who more. I think if a man will to really like a lady, he will make the first move and then the rest is history...

Whether who likes who or if there is a happy ending i guess there is no gurantee.. Nothing in life is for sure.. the house u live, friends that u have, people you hold dear too.. They may be here today and gone tomorrow. Thats why God calls us to put our hope in Him.

Have been unhappy last week, things just happened so fast, just within few days.. so many things have come at one time and how i wish i can see the lighter side of life. I supposed temptations comes in many different.

Just before my heart is calm by the raging storms... another wave from the shore came crashing in.. Another call me out of the blue... God knows how i have weakness for this person in the past, he is long gone in my mind... I have told him to move on.. all i can do is to leave him and say no to his advances... but he called again and stir my wavering heart.

A wave of depression sets in as i heard him over the other side of the phone. What should i do? How should l react? I feel so weak on my kness when he called. Oh my God, why do i have to go through this over and over again? I guess the devil knows when and where to hit the hardest. The more i say no to him.. the more my heart bleed, i felt so torn about. Its impossible for us to be together, no matter how much i wanted too.. He is someone's else and i tell myself im not going to make any more silly mistakes. The thoughts of him still linger within me and its really between my own self desire and my conviction... I told myself to be strong in order to go on. How worse can my situtation be? I have brave thru all storms. I have to hold on, im a surviour at all cost.

I cant turn back now... i dont want to start all over again, the only option left for me is to walk on with God, even if it takes for me to crawl on ground. I just have to keep walking and moving along with him. I dont want to run ahead of God. I just want to leave it to my beautifu Saviour..
God is good to me, even bad things does happen to good people. But there is no doubt about His nature, He will guide my path as i continue to trust in my Abba..

From Me To You God...

A Pslam of David

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so I long for you, O God.

I thirst for God, the living God.

When can I come and stand before Him?

Day and night I have only tears for food,

while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,

"Where is this God of yours?'

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be:

I walked among the crowds of worshipers,

leading a great procession to the house of God,

singing for joy and giving thanks-

it was the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discourage?

Why so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember your kindness-

from Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas

as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

Though each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

"O God my rock," I cry,

"Why have you forsaken me?

Why must I wander in darkness,

oppressed by my enemies?"

Their taunts pierce me like a fatal wound.

They scoff,"Where is this God of yours?"

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again-

my Savior and my God!

(Psalms 42:1-11 NLT)