Staring at my lappy for almost an hour... delete back and forth the spaces in between those key boards.. I have never been so out of words. But now where do i begin? Where do i go from here? Seriously i dont know.
As one day i was making my way to work one day... a thought dawn in my mind. What am I going to do if i ever had another 40 years to live? What kind of life i want to lead? What kind of legacy i really want to leave behind? Am i going to fight for the change that i long to be the person? Or i can still be the same me for the rest of my life? Serious thoughts huh? I think so.
Glad that Joyce is back! I miss hanging out with her when she is around. She seems to see through me with her "x-ray" eyes and at times i feel so "bare infront of her". I thank God for good friendships despite of the distance between us. Had a dinner gather that night with Lou and Joyce, Sharon is out of the pic as she had her eyes lasik. I have always enjoy those dinners with the girls ... especially we do really talk about serious stuff apart from those Korea Dramas etc..
During the dinner table, I shared with the girls about my love life etc... First Amos the famous.. the man whom i almost got married.. but thankfully it didnt. Dont know why i felt liberated when he left. I guess he is a bridge between God and me when i was out of the world. Lou was kidding maybe he is the one cos we are behaving like best buds. Come to think of it.. OMG we have known each other for long 14 years and i see him "grow" through the years.. But in my heart i beg to differ... i think we our Kairos time is over and now i know we can just be a good friends to share life with. I know he is not the one :)
Andrew :- That long lost friend whom i got reunited recently. At first i dont feel anything much from him.. but as times goes by i really thought he is the one for me.. how on earth can it be so concident? Though he is not a tenth but i think to me he is :) He is smart chap and prudent.. what i want in a man i almost found in him. God allow us to meet after 20 years.. and he almost got into my company.. But then it took a turn. He decide to go back BKK his heart is there and he cant promise me anything and he doesnt know which part on the earth he will be? He is the one who has cause my still heart to flutter. I miss those late nights and conversations that we had while he is in Singapore. I guess its not the same anymore. I will wish him well.. who knows once again we will meet again? Even though i dont harbour any hope of being with him... i am happy if he is happy. It doesnt matter i guess. There must be a reason for every detours and scars. God will write straight with crooked lines ...
Coming back to the dinner table, the gals ask me what kind of changes i want to see... Lou gave a very good example of how Sab wanted a child badly and she is so persistent with her prayers and requests seeing and believing etc.. and finally God gave her twins! Lou told me that is really how bad you wanted to see changes in myself, and with much defensive i told a politically answer.. but i know my fences are up. so high till no one can easily comes in.
Then Joyce has said something that it caught me unguarded, she say that i dont love myself, i told her no i love myself but she rebuted that my heart is like playing hide and seek... trying to open and close with those people i know. And was so vunerable to be hurt again. Actually she was spot on. I was afraid. Afraid of loving and opening up. Afraid of losing weight.. emotionally my fence are high. All thanks to B who has hurt me. I am not what i am now. The real me is hidden inside so scare to come out. And everytime i try, its really so painful to see the light and i crawl back to my comfort cave. I hate this.. but i am so helpless .. no one can walk this with me. I have to do it alone. I wonder when will i come out of the rut? I hate this body! But i have been carrying it like a hermit home for years. I am so afraid of losing it. What if.. what if... too much i need to break free from this. I wanted ~ my spirit is willing my flesh is so weak! Darn! At least Joyce is stepping out of her comfort zone... Kudos to her! I know what lies ahead of her seems to be uncertain but i know when she takes smalls steps, God will be with her giving her the breakthrough she yearn for. Its a matter of choices and how desparate one wanted to get out of this situations. I am sure she will excel and i hope she will make good friendships there :)
After all, I know God is still faithful. There are so many things in life to be thankful for. I am grateful, God didnt abandon us even when we feel so lousy. He has given me much even I dont have any expectations for. He is love and I know He knows how to bring us back home when we are lost and helpless.
Something i penned :~
Stay close to the Father, oh my soul stay close
Though hearts may falter but His love never will
Stay close to our Abba, oh my soul be heal
He will surround you with His love and let your soul be still
