Decided to blog my blues again tonight. Its been awhile since i had visited my dear old comfort zone. Cant believe it.. 3 more months to Christmas!!! Where on earth why time past by so fast? Maybe many times people are just oblivious of the things that are happening to the surroudings and it just slip pass us quickly before we even our knowing..
Many things happen this year.. I guess this year is another trying year for me.. Family, working, God, heart matters, friends and so many..
Mom was diagnoise with parkinson earlier this year and i think she is too young to get it.. it was quite hard for dad to accept it at first but rather to sulk and not do anyting to it i decided to be strong for my family.. I guess its not an easy task to do and the responsibility of bring her for check ups and keeping track on her can be quite tiring. Thank God, we have a very good nuero surgen, a very positive doc. And i thank God for good doctors like him. Human are fallen by nature and there is no way to escape sickness and calmity. I guess its how our response towards those bad things has be fall on upon us. I wanted to be strong. I guess i have always been.. God knows how weak i can get and i wonder where did my strength comes from.. Its all from Him.. Though i know i havent been going "home" too much noises outside and within and around me.. i am like having a home without a "home"...
Church and God seems so far from me.. I seems to have lost my way again.. i feel so lost and bleak but i know there is still flicking light that is not been disminshed. Church and pastors have been fighthing the case and its so tormenting.. those reports and all the accusation that was being brought to light. I struggled really not to believe in those lies and at one point i was rather confused and angry and really dont know which is the truth which is the lie... I guess everyone have to be accountable to their each actions. Whatever the outcome will be.. my stand will always to chose forgiveness. I am no saint either.. who am i to cast the stone at anyone?! I do hope that the saga will end soon. its been almost 4 years.. i think it should put a stop to all these nonsense. Seriously i dont know if i really do know my way home? Its been awhile that i have visited church.. it seems so far fetch..
Oh i have another addition to my family! My darling niece is born.. Hailey.. she is such a pretty gal! I was quite sad actually.. i see the way my sis struggle through her married, finances.. fighting all the uncertianities that is coming.. Sometimes i wonder whats the point of getting married? Love is just an emotion.. it makes u senseless when the heat is on.. and when reality hits.. it really hit hards! Love is more that emotions, its a decision and committment.. when the love tank is low and empty i wonder did the partners know how to fill it up to the brim? Its really scary.. Love is spelt as risk.. Others risk it and they conquer those demons within them and other risk it but unknowingly they have lost it through the span of time.. Dont get me wrong.. i am still an advocate of love, i am still waiting for the someone to appear and swept me away :) Recently i went to watch this movie call ~ Love waiting cafe, and in the movie there is a statement that goes like this.. Eveyone is waiting for that someone to appear.. How true.. but when that person appear right infront of us.. do we really know it might be him? lol.. life is such a mystery..
Recently something happen to me.. i felt weird but i guess i have learn to be honest with my feelings.. For the past 2 years I have been spending time with Jon and he is the best lunch buddy i ever had. I guess its the chemistry that we have as a friend. Though he is a malay, i never regard him as one.. he is funny, and witty and of cos can be irritating getting me into nevrves all the time.. we have lots of disagreements and agurement for the silliest issues and fighing over different opinions .. each time we fight.. we make up on the spot or the very next day. He is a nice guy who walks every day 15 mins to my office and do lunch with me and sometimes we do dinner dates as well. I have only regard him as someone who is a good friend..
But.. recently knowing that Jon is going to resign soon.. i felt somehow sense of lost. Maybe that is anxiety separation lol.. i have never had the intention of getting closer to him only as friends.. but somehow.. it takes one day to trigger my emotions.. We were at DHL global day for volunteer and we decided to hang out with the rest of my colleagues in Dean and Deluca.. Danny, CJ, Sankey, Tack, Jon & myslf.. So i always wanted to "pimp" Jon out cos i hope that he could get over his ex.. so i ask Sankey to give me a lift to try to set them up together during the drinking table. We have so much fun and took loads of pic.. when we are about to go home, Tack pull Jon and ask him to join her to Holland V with her friends.. Then when i saw Tack pulling Jon into the cab, at that instant.. i feel uncomfortable and uneasy.. seriously i dont know why i just have that shitty feeling.. when i got home Jon text me and show me the drinks they had and Tack was drunk and took some imitate pics with Jon and when i saw those pic!!! My emotions hit to the top.. i really dont know why i am feeling that way.. didnt i always wanted to pimp Jon out.. so chris why are u feeling this way??!!! I was not sure why i am feeling that why.. i was laying low with my emotions and yet everyday i kept seeing Jon for lunches and dinner dates.. then after awhile.. i did a check in my emotions.. I realised that i actually have fallen for him..
I was shocked myself.. how could it be?? Maybe throughout the years.. i have fallen for him unknowingly for him without realising it.. lol.. just the other day.. we had a big fight over lunch when Jon keep asking me whr is Tack! To cut the story short.. he blew is top and i blew mine and he scolded me etc.. but on the night he was drinking alone and deluca.. and he text me to apologise.. my heart went soften and we resume things as normal.. I could recall during lunch time we also went to the park for a swing .. it was so fun and with no pretense i can be myslf. I guess relationship should be without pretense, and i know when i was with Jon i can be myslf and i dont need to wear any mask.. Maybe tats the reason why i have fallen for him unknowingly..
This feeling that i have for him was really unbearable.. i was almost very obessed over him and i really cant contain my fondest for him.. i have told Sankey and Danny, and i know that Jon and i will not be and cant be together, not becos he is a malay but i guess and i know we can only be very good friends. However, i think i have to let him know my thoughts if not i will go crazy ...
After Jon resigned, he came by oneday to lunch with me.. as usual.. we go to our fav spot at Costa and chill.. and then i decided to tell him about my feelings for him.. and why am i behaving in that peculiar way recently and why i blew at him a couple of times etc.. Jon was flatter and surprised with i told him the truth.. Well i told him the reason why i wanted to tell him is not becos i wanted him to be with me or any kind cos deep down i know he is not ready and i am not his type.. but i just want to be responsible to my own feelings towards him and i wont wan to look back years later and regret not telling him about how i feel for him..
I took risk and i told him, dont u dare run away from me after you know the truth.. cos i still want to be good friends with you. He laugh and of cos.. after some things we spoke.. our relations resume as normal.. I know this is not an ending that i would like to have and of cos i would like to go one deeper with him, but its okay.. i am happy to mantain it this way.. as i have told him, he always have a spot in my heart :)
At first i feel awakard and tot i would not call him for few days, but to my surprise he text me the next day and spoke something random.. i guess i am happy that we deal with this like an adult...
I think i am very brave.. lol is been awhile that i openly express my fondness for another man.. Well, i wont want to take any chance of not telling.. after all life is so short.. whats there got to lose? Its either u live regetting and not knowing the outcome or after which we can move on.
Yes i am moving on.. i feel so relieve and i told Jon finally i can sleep without having him in my heart.. Letting go and letting out is not so bad after all..
Sankey wanted to bring me to expat party when she is back.. haha.. oh well.. sounds fun to expand network.. i am not sure if i am going.. my heart is currently occupied.. it will take awhile for it to be empty.. :) every day.. when i pass by the spot that Jon waited for me every lunch hour.. it seems like memory lane to me.. its unbearable but i will get by.. now i truly know.. when you love someone and wanted him to be happy.. you have to let him go..
I wonder who will be the man who will close the gap of my hands.. whoever maybe or not.. i am moving on and live forward :)
