Live Love Laugh :)

Decided to blog my blues again tonight.  Its been awhile since i had visited my dear old comfort zone.  Cant believe it.. 3 more months to Christmas!!!  Where on earth why time past by so fast?  Maybe many times people are just oblivious of the things that are happening to the surroudings and it just slip pass us quickly before we even our knowing..

Many things happen this year..  I guess this year is another trying year for me.. Family, working, God, heart matters, friends and so many..

Mom was diagnoise with parkinson earlier this year and i think she is too young to get it.. it was quite hard for dad to accept it at first but rather to sulk and not do anyting to it i decided to be strong for my family.. I guess its not an easy task to do and the responsibility of bring her for check ups and keeping track on her can be quite tiring.  Thank God, we have a very good nuero surgen, a very positive doc.  And i thank God for good doctors like him.  Human are fallen by nature and there is no way to escape sickness and calmity.  I guess its how our response towards those bad things has be fall on upon us.  I wanted to be strong.  I guess i have always been..  God knows how weak i can get and i wonder where did my strength comes from..  Its all from Him..  Though i know i havent been going "home" too much noises outside and within and around me.. i am like having a home without a "home"...

Church and God seems so far from me.. I seems to have lost my way again.. i feel so lost and bleak but i know there is still flicking light that is not been disminshed.  Church and pastors have been fighthing the case and its so tormenting.. those reports and all the accusation that was being brought to light.  I struggled really not to believe in those lies and at one point i was rather confused and angry and really dont know which is the truth which is the lie...  I guess everyone have to be accountable to their each actions.  Whatever the outcome will be.. my stand will always to chose forgiveness.  I am no saint either.. who am i to cast the stone at anyone?!  I do hope that the saga will end soon. its been almost 4 years.. i think it should put a stop to all these nonsense.  Seriously i dont know if i really do know my way home?  Its been awhile that i have visited church.. it seems so far fetch..

Oh i have another addition to my family!  My darling niece is born.. Hailey.. she is such a pretty gal!  I was quite sad actually.. i see the way my sis struggle through her married, finances.. fighting all the uncertianities that is coming..  Sometimes i wonder whats the point of getting married?  Love is just an emotion.. it makes u senseless when the heat is on.. and when reality hits.. it really hit hards!  Love is more that emotions, its a decision and committment.. when the love tank is low and empty i wonder did the partners know how to fill it up to the brim?  Its really scary..  Love is spelt as risk.. Others risk it and they conquer those demons within them and other risk it but unknowingly they have lost it through the span of time.. Dont get me wrong.. i am still an advocate of love, i am still waiting for the someone to appear and swept me away :)  Recently i went to watch this movie call ~ Love waiting cafe, and in the movie there is a statement that goes like this..  Eveyone is waiting for that someone to appear.. How true.. but when that person appear right infront of us.. do we really know it might be him? lol.. life is such a mystery..

Recently something happen to me.. i felt weird but i guess i have learn to be honest with my feelings..  For the past 2 years I have been spending time with Jon and he is the best lunch buddy i ever had.  I guess its the chemistry that we have as a friend.  Though he is a malay, i never regard him as one.. he is funny, and witty and of cos can be irritating getting me into nevrves all the time.. we have lots of disagreements and agurement for the silliest issues and fighing over different opinions .. each time we fight.. we make up on the spot or the very next day.  He is a nice guy who walks every day 15 mins to my office and do lunch with me and sometimes we do dinner dates as well.  I have only regard him as someone who is a good friend..

But.. recently knowing that Jon is going to resign soon.. i felt somehow sense of lost. Maybe that is anxiety separation lol.. i have never had the intention of getting closer to him only as friends.. but somehow.. it takes one day to trigger my emotions..  We were at DHL global day for volunteer and we decided to hang out with the rest of my colleagues in Dean and Deluca..  Danny, CJ, Sankey, Tack, Jon & myslf..  So i always wanted to "pimp" Jon out cos i hope that he could get over his ex.. so i ask Sankey to give me a lift to try to set them up together during the drinking table.  We have so much fun and took loads of pic..  when we are about to go home, Tack pull Jon and ask him to join her to Holland V with her friends..  Then when i saw Tack pulling Jon into the cab, at that instant.. i feel uncomfortable and uneasy.. seriously i dont know why i just have that shitty feeling.. when i got home Jon text me and show me the drinks they had and Tack was drunk and took some imitate pics with Jon and when i saw those pic!!! My emotions hit to the top.. i really dont know why i am feeling that way.. didnt i always wanted to pimp Jon out.. so chris why are u feeling this way??!!! I was not sure why i am feeling that why.. i was laying low with my emotions and yet everyday i kept seeing Jon for lunches and dinner dates..  then after awhile.. i did a check in my emotions.. I realised that i actually have fallen for him..

I was shocked myself.. how could it be??  Maybe throughout the years.. i have fallen for him unknowingly for him without realising it.. lol.. just the other day.. we had a big fight over lunch when Jon keep asking me whr is Tack!  To cut the story short.. he blew is top and i blew mine and he scolded me etc.. but on the night he was drinking alone and deluca.. and he text me to apologise.. my heart went soften and we resume things as normal..  I could recall during lunch time we also went to the park for a swing .. it was so fun and with no pretense i can be myslf.  I guess relationship should be without pretense, and i know when i was with Jon i can be myslf and i dont need to wear any mask.. Maybe tats the reason why i have fallen for him unknowingly..

This feeling that i have for him was really unbearable.. i was almost very obessed over him and i really cant contain my fondest for him.. i have told Sankey and Danny, and i know that Jon and i will not be and cant be together, not becos he is a malay but i guess and i know we can only be very good friends.  However, i think i have to let him know my thoughts if not i will go crazy ...

After Jon resigned, he came by oneday to lunch with me.. as usual.. we go to our fav spot at Costa and chill.. and then i decided to tell him about my feelings for him.. and why am i behaving in that peculiar way recently and why i blew at him a couple of times etc.. Jon was flatter and surprised with i told him the truth..  Well i told him the reason why i wanted to tell him is not becos i wanted him to be with me or any kind cos deep down i know he is not ready and i am not his type.. but i just want to be responsible to my own feelings towards him and i wont wan to look back years later and regret not telling him about how i feel for him..

I took risk and i told him, dont u dare run away from me after you know the truth.. cos i still want to be good friends with you.  He laugh and of cos.. after some things we spoke.. our relations resume as normal..  I know this is not an ending that i would like to have and of cos i would like to go one deeper with him, but its okay.. i am happy to mantain it this way.. as i have told him, he always have a spot in my heart :) 

At first i feel awakard and tot i would not call him for few days, but to my surprise he text me the next day and spoke something random.. i guess i am happy that we deal with this like an adult...

I think i am very brave.. lol is been awhile that i openly express my fondness for another man.. Well, i wont want to take any chance of not telling.. after all life is so short.. whats there got to lose?  Its either u live regetting and not knowing the outcome or after which we can move on.

Yes i am moving on.. i feel so relieve and i told Jon finally i can sleep without having him in my heart..  Letting go and letting out is not so bad after all..

Sankey wanted to bring me to expat party when she is back.. haha.. oh well.. sounds fun to expand network.. i am not sure if i am going.. my heart is currently occupied.. it will take awhile for it to be empty.. :)  every day.. when i pass by the spot that Jon waited for me every lunch hour.. it seems like memory lane to me.. its unbearable but i will get by.. now i truly know.. when you love someone and wanted him to be happy.. you have to let him go..

I wonder who will be the man who will close the gap of my hands.. whoever maybe or not.. i am moving on and live forward :)

Love is ...

~Valentine~

Some say love is like a river that follow endlessly
Some say love is like summer who never knows winter
Some say love is like constant sunshine who has never felt rain
But I say love is like a cup of coffee.. bitter sweet - savouring wanting more 
Season of change.. leading from one to another
Maybe baby.. He is just not into me :)

I long for a harbour to be at ease
A strong and sturdy shelter where I lean
My heart is still.  My heart has stopped. 
Maybe in the stillness of my soul I shall find peace
Be still my soul be still... wait patiently ~

And this shall pass.
C

Moving Foward 2014

Staring at my lappy for almost an hour... delete back and forth the spaces in between those key boards..  I have never been so out of words.  But now where do i begin?  Where do i go from here?  Seriously i dont know. 

As one day i was making my way to work one day... a thought dawn in my mind.  What am I going to do if i ever had another 40 years to live?  What kind of life i want to lead?  What kind of legacy i really want to leave behind?  Am i going to fight for the change that i long to be the person?  Or i can still be the same me for the rest of my life?  Serious thoughts huh?  I think so.

Glad that Joyce is back!  I miss hanging out with her when she is around.  She seems to see through me with her "x-ray" eyes and at times i feel so "bare infront of her".  I thank God for good friendships despite of the distance between us.  Had a dinner gather that night with Lou and Joyce, Sharon is out of the pic as she had her eyes lasik.  I have always enjoy those dinners with the girls ... especially we do really talk about serious stuff apart from those Korea Dramas etc..

During the dinner table, I shared with the girls about my love life etc...  First Amos the famous.. the man whom i almost got married.. but thankfully it didnt.  Dont know why i felt liberated when he left.  I guess he is a bridge between God and me when i was out of the world.  Lou was kidding maybe he is the one cos we are behaving like best buds.  Come to think of it.. OMG we have known each other for long 14 years and i see him "grow" through the years.. But in my heart i beg to differ... i think we our Kairos time is over and now i know we can just be a good friends to share life with.  I know he is not the one :)

Andrew :-  That long lost friend whom i got reunited recently.  At first i dont feel anything much from him.. but as times goes by i really thought he is the one for me.. how on earth can it be so concident?  Though he is not a tenth but i think to me he is :) He is smart chap and prudent.. what i want in a man i almost found in him. God allow us to meet after 20 years.. and he almost got into my company..  But then it took a turn.  He decide to go back BKK his heart is there and he cant promise me anything and he doesnt know which part on the earth he will be?  He is the one who has cause my still heart to flutter.  I miss those late nights and conversations that we had while he is in Singapore.  I guess its not the same anymore.  I will wish him well.. who knows once again we will meet again?  Even though i dont harbour any hope of being with him... i am happy if he is happy.  It doesnt matter i guess.  There must be a reason for every detours and scars.  God will write straight with crooked lines ...

Coming back to the dinner table, the gals ask me what kind of changes i want to see... Lou gave a very good example of how Sab wanted a child badly and she is so persistent with her prayers and requests seeing and believing etc.. and finally God gave her twins!  Lou told me that is really how bad you wanted to see changes in myself, and with much defensive i told a politically answer.. but i know my fences are up. so high till no one can easily comes in.

Then Joyce has said something that it caught me unguarded, she say that i dont love myself, i told her no i love myself but she rebuted that my heart is like playing hide and seek... trying to open and close with those people i know.  And was so vunerable to be hurt again.  Actually she was spot on.  I was afraid.  Afraid of loving and opening up.  Afraid of losing weight.. emotionally my fence are high.  All thanks to B who has hurt me.  I am not what i am now.  The real me is hidden inside so scare to come out.  And everytime i try, its really so painful to see the light and i crawl back to my comfort cave.  I hate this.. but i am so helpless .. no one can walk this with me.  I have to do it alone.  I wonder when will i come out of the rut?  I hate this body!  But i have been carrying it like a hermit home for years.  I am so afraid of losing it.  What if.. what if...  too much i need to break free from this.  I wanted ~ my spirit is willing my flesh is so weak!  Darn!  At least Joyce is stepping out of her comfort zone... Kudos to her!  I know what lies ahead of her seems to be uncertain but i know when she takes smalls steps, God will be with her giving her the breakthrough she yearn for.  Its a matter of choices and how desparate one wanted to get out of this situations.  I am sure she will excel and i hope she will make good friendships there :)

After all, I know God is still faithful.  There are so many things in life to be thankful for.  I am grateful, God didnt abandon us even when we feel so lousy.  He has given me much even I dont have any expectations for.  He is love and I know He knows how to bring us back home when we are lost and helpless. 

Something i penned :~

Stay close to the Father, oh my soul stay close
Though hearts may falter but His love never will
Stay close to our Abba, oh my soul be heal
He will surround you with His love and let your soul be still