Blimey! I just realized that I have been so unfaithful to my blog... the last that I wrote was in 2014! Oh mine goodness.. how did time swing by so fast! Now its the beginning of 2016! Joyce was teasing me that I only wrote once a year end.. or now should I officially say once in 2 years hahaha...
I wonder how did I ever survive these years! 2015 is such a "bad year" for me. A year full of challenges.. in all aspect of my life! I guess it could be worst.. but thankfully I manage to cross over 2015 to 2016 :)
Looking back...
Beginning of 2015 has not been a smooth year.. Grandma was hospitalize and in and out of SGH... apparently it seems like I am a frequent visitor back then. How I hated to go there! No one does I guess. Grandma was sick, diagnose with heart issues and others.. we almost lost her this year and I had many nights that I felt so lost and alone. I was crying out so hard at night begging God to extend her life! She has always been my pillar.. a support that I always depend on let alone financially lol.. I know the day will come but I hope that it be easy for her when it comes. As for me... well... I don't really want to think so far.. live one day at a time cherish her while she is still here. Grandma recently has problem in hearing... and also sometimes her hearing can be so "selective" sometimes I have to raise my voice and repeat up-teen times and I do lose my patience too to be honest..
But one thing I discover about myself while she is back at home after recovering from hospital before our helper comes.. Looking after old folks at home is really not easy.. you have to cook, bath her and also to wake up in the middle of the night a couple of times just to help her to the bathroom. With all the chores and without help during those time.. I realize that I didn't complain at all... and the reason why I didn't complain is because everything I do, I did it out of love! When you love someone, you want the best out of her and I guess because of the love she has for me all these years... I wanted to be there for her to do my part as a grand daughter. I hope God will give her few more good years to live before she pass on and I hope that she will get to heaven to be with HIM. Now, our helper has come, and I am thankful that she is good in taking care of grandma. Well no maid is perfect I guess! But as long as grandma is well taken care off I can close one eye :) And I am thankful for all the prayers and visits and concerns that my close friends came and pour their concerns :) Hard time reveal good friendships... I am thankful for people around me!
I have been in Williams Lea for almost 3 years. Throughout these 3 years, I have seen so much changes in the management. Dog eat dog world and I am really appalled by the things they have done! Well, at first I was "put on performance management" I knew that they wanted to get rid of me.. that stupid ang moh stingy bitch keep saying that my salary is high and finally... i was force to leave! And I did eventually. Well I guess my time is up too, I have done my level best to stable my team and I know they will be in good hands :)
In the earlier quarter of this year, I got to know Lawrence via a Christian App. I was playing with my phone and I saw this Christian App, I decided to give it a shot by registering my profile. Less than a couple of days I received some messages from some guys. None of them caught my eye except for him.. Lawrence. He was sincere, yet real.. down to earth and sensitive.. and most of all I admire his love for his family. He got into my world and we became friends.. Knowing his family situation I have never ever thought of him coming into my life.. My resistance towards him was high and thick like China Great Wall. I even show my bad side to him hoping that he would "back off" and go away, it was best to remains as friends.. Cos I know he is far fetch from being my kind of man. But never say never in life, because he was so persistence and insistent and overcome by resistance.. lol.. he won me over and before I know it, I have fallen for him. Being with him was a challenge. He being the only son, he has to fetch his dad to his the other home during weekends and public holidays. Hence the time I spent with him was precious and no complaint about it. We got on very well.. and Lawrence is a great guy. He knew me inside out and I thought I have finally found my soul-mate! He literally knows my thoughts and my deepest feelings... I am happy being with him even though he has nothing much to offer but his love.
Due to his dad sickness, he was to hold 2 jobs to up keep the expenses.. whenever I see him struggle I am so hurt and felt so sorry for him. It was natural I guess, when you love someone you want the best of him and wanting to spend more time with him. I guess time is not on my side... as we got on further... I naturally crave for his attention more.. even not to see him as often but at least I could talk to him. Storms of life hit vehemently hard on him, he was facing much stress from his work and my ridiculous demands... he snapped finally and I think its my fault, I pushed him too hard. I am such a bitch! Who am I to blame but me? He told me its best for me to move on since I cant wait and he cant provide.. Even as I am writing this... it brought me back to that day when the parting begin. I was literally bleeding on the inside. I was very hurt and I felt helpless.. Where are all the undying promises he once said? Our love is so fragile.. like fallen leaves during autumn when wind blows.. I have yet to recover.. everyday is a recurring day of internal bleeding. I missed him each day. What makes it worst was the day of breaking up was the next day of my new appointment of a new role in a Company. I think I have kudos to myself to be the "Best Winning Actress" of the year... I behave like normal.. smile and got on with my first day of work and thereafter... But the aftermath comes when I am off work.. the loneliness and emptiness of not having him around killed me. Happy on the outside, bleeding on the inside. What was I thinking actually? Sigh... this is a classical example of wrong time right man. Lawrence is someone I really wanted for very long. He knows me well and I can say, he will not be forgotten for a very long time. You know, some soft spots we have in our hearts for our ex..s
I doubt I can really find someone like him.. Who knows.. God knows perpetually...
Life goes on for me as usual... until then... someone came along. I got to know Amos while my heart is still healing.. Amos is very different from Lawrence. To me he is a hunk. A real hunk. He is very fit physically and to me he is very good looking. We met on the app too and we become frens and I can still remember the first time we met. He came over and pick me up and once i got into his car, we gave each other a hug. I guess it was mutual. I felt good after so long to be "wanted" by a man :) we went off to ECP and we talk alot. He was telling me about his past etc.. he has a autistic son and is divorcee. Life is hard on him but i know he will overcome. We got physical that night. And the rest is history. Then I realized that I have a liking for him. I am not sure if this is lust? or Liking? Amos fits the physical aspect while Lawrence fits into the emotional world. I am not sure anymore. I like the way he holds me while driving.. the way we kissed and... I felt surprise that Amos like bigger woman, and he told me being a chinese doesnt mean he has to eat chinese food. I was happy to hear that and sign of relieved.
At least he help me to forget about Lawrence. I met him again the other day. He was up at grands house while she is out. Action started and we almost hit home run if time allow. We went out for breakfast that day and I feel sorry for him while hearing that his closest sis was diagnose with 4th stage cancer. I feel his pain and helplessness. I really want him to tell him and be there for him, but the best for him is to be there supporting him.
We went to World of Sports in Katong 112 mall, bought stuff for his sports. Talk a fair bit, he sent me back and we kissed each other goodbye...
I really dont know where did i stand with him? Friends with benefits? I feel that our relationship is full of ambiguity. I know he is not ready to commit and i am not asking him too. But I really want to know where are we at? I just want to be his exclusive. Is it just lust? or more than meets its eye? Am i reading too much? I really dont know but one thing i know ... I like him. Properly is just physical aspect and also i wanted to "heal" him as i do feel for him. I am as mixed up. Amos knows, he is smart, he knows that i do feel for him, he is just not talking about it. Or there is nothing to talk, man chose to avoid such relations issues and i know i cant push his button. I know him too well. Im just a sucker for love!
Why is it so hard to meet someone that is both mutual? Why man are so complicated? I wish things are simpler, why is my life so dramas? Havent i got enough from it? Tonight i think im going to be sleepless again..
Maybe like what Jo say...it is an ending with a beginning? God knows? I wanted him to be happy regardless we are together or not. I am more giving thats why i ending up hurting myself. Or am i really destine to be alone? Is God punishing me? I feel so far from home! I really dont know.
With so much uncertainty in life... just have to bite the bullet and go through it. That's life.
