2008...

In a few days time, 2008 will be a history... a new year will be taking over.. Welcome 2009 :) This has been a trying year for me... looking back i realised that how time has quietly slip by so fast without noticing.

I remember crossing over 2008 with God in my humble bedroom, and now.. here it comes again..

Hmm... this year not a bad year compare to last. I have make some good friends and some how we got closer this year.. though i "lost" some... in life u either lose some or gain some..

Begining of the year... i have managed to clear my building fund.. felt so happy :) though the amount is not so significant, i suppose unequal amount, equal scarifice.

And then my career took off as i have left SCI, its not an easy move with all the emotional attachments i have with my operators and colleagues.. never felt so moved.. they gave me stuff when i was leaving the company... i wish them well..

With NAFA

Then i went to NAFA, a great place to be in. The people are nice.. ahemm... expect for ... haha.. the enviroment is condusive for growth and finally this "wild horse" is settling down for good (i hope) before any better pasture comes in... haha.. Meet some lovely people and bosses and though work can be tough.. but i can still hang on.. besides... i am going to school next year. What a change! Looking forward to it.

We bid our goodbyes.. i will miss you dear, and i thought about him often. Wrong time, right person or right time, wrong person. I am really not sure this time.. however i am casting cares upon Him still. I doubt we will meet again, however he does occupy a space in my heart :) neverthless i will move on..

The Run

Ran my first 2 maiden marthons this year, SHAPE RUN 5km and GE RUN 10 km... gosh.. its almost killing me.. but i survived. Thanks to Joyce my walking ''partner", life is indeed lighter when someone is walking with u.. hehe.. tks dude.. :) u not only walk the walk.. u talk the talk.. haha.. the walk with u is going to last with me for a long time... oh ya.. not forgetting sze ying... haha... ur whining is really a classical of the year.. hehe..

Nite Cycle

Challenge myself again for my nite cycling ... i freak out when i had to cycle so many miles. And poor tw.. has to bear my wailing from the start.. haha.. once is enough.. i swear i wont do it again!

KL TRIP

This year manage to go to KL trip with some of closer friends.. the trip was great.. we eat like no tomorrow.. enjoy massages, fish spa.. and visited KL CHC.. so cool.. i dont mind to go for a retreat again next year... for ms goh bd again?? shall we?? hehe..

Flee Market

I managed to declutter my room.. the air is clean and green.. hehe.. great job! And i even went to flee market to "lay long lay long" quite fun la.. its very tiring .. but when see the $$$ coming in, my heart is so full.. and my pockets is even fuller.. hehehe..

This Christmas... i receive my first coach bag from my sister and my bro-in-law.. i am so elated when i saw it.. im not really into brands.. but i guess under some "godly influence" haha i being to see other brands.. i also believe that we have to upgrade from time to time and of cos live within my means.. hehe..

My Spiritual Family

Finally, thanks friends u know who u are dudettes.. who gave me a lift when i am about to fall.. and i guess its angels like u people who has brought me here...

Well... so many said and done... i do hope that next year 2009 will be a better year than this.. at least no more heartahces.. no more sleepless nites.. no more wet pillows..

2009.. I welcome u with open arms..

Decluttering Part One & Two...

I have decided to declutter finally... blame it on my own lazyiness and much procrastination, i have been storing much clutter at home and my own room is really TOO MUCH STUFF!!! Hmm.. there is one point of time i will always remember some friends will gather at Siang's house after cell group and likes to laugh and comment on my clutter.. Sometimes i really wish they can just keep their comments to themselves!!! Actually its quite hurtful to hear those comments..haha...

I have always believe that every house will have their own clutter but people are always people, they like to pin point others except themselves.. Well, i believe there are still some good friends though.. despite of my clutter, they are very accepting of me still.. some of them keep on inspiring and challenge me..U know who u are and i am thankful for that :)

Actually im a lazy gal, haha.. but i know i should get a hold of my life together and start anew. And also i have promise Joyce to do some decluttering as she promised to do the GE 10km For woman... Its about time to pay my due... so this for u dudette!

This is all the trash i have gather around my bedside.. it look much worse! Books, bags, papers everywhere!

This is after i have clear up my mess... awh... look so clean :)

This is really messy... my vanity counter.. so much stuff... everything seems to be falling in and i can hardly find my stuff. I cant imagine all these years i have been living with it.

As i was clearing my room i almost wanted to give up!!! Agrrh... so much stuff.. and i really feel like unpacking it and leaving it to the orginal state.. Haha.. i remember i was telling joyce i really feel like crying while packing.. how can a gal gather so much clutter!!!??? Oh my goodness..


After so many hours of battling... my room is finally clean and clear.. And at least i have a really nice vanity counter of my own... hmm... wat was i thinking all these years???

I am so happy :) clutter free for this section of my room and more to come. Space really create a place of imagination. I feel much happier and looking forward going home :)

And guess what?? Under inspiration... i have come up with my own version of new lyrics of "Today" song by Pastor Phil Church..

Hehehe.. just for fun.. enjoy the lyrics~

~TODAY~

Today I am leaving all my clutters behind
I will clean up I have made up my mind
Today.. today..

Today.. I am finding myself back again
I am letting go what’s been coming in
Today … Today…

I see a rising sun
My chores have just began..

Today… today..

No more cluttering lives
I am free for life
Friends help me here
Friends got me here

I see a clean room now
No more dusty shelves
Just feel great here
Just feel great here

Oh… oh… oh…
The air is so much clear
Oh… oh... oh.…
There is no reason not to be near
Oh… oh… oh…

I see my life in a different light…
Oh… oh…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haha... just thought the lyrics is so funny.. haha.. anyway.. i am still going to continue to declutter :)

Thanks friends for ur encouragement.. :)

周杰倫 - 說好的幸福呢 ?


你的回话凌乱着 在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽 甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯 我还爱你呐
而你断断续续唱着歌 假装没事了

时间过了 走了 爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
離开时的不快乐
你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎麽了你累了 说好的.幸福呐
我懂了不说了爱淡了 梦远了
开心与不开心一一叙说着
你在不舍那些爱过的感觉都太深刻
我都还记得

你不等了 说好的 幸福呐
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢

Fidelity vs Infidelity

Falling in love is so easy, but to keep love alive and going seems to be tough. Wondering what is wrong with nowsadays with human today? Im not targeting on a certain gender.. "ahem.. which i think i am bias.." But it seems like to maintain a relationship it really requires alot of time, love, trust and effort in it. One of my friend sms this to me that nite ' if love is not looked after, gradually it will fade away.' I agree, there are certain truths of what she says.

I was not surprised when she told me about her marriage is on the rocks. I mean at this era, infidelity has never been an issue among most people. I was just sadden to hear that a 20 year old marriage cant be compare to someone whom he barely knew for few months. Will love outlast lust???

I felt her pain as she was relating her stories... all along her world belong to her husband and kids and husband only... she love him and love has become a possession. As a result, he needs a breather and conveniently excused himself for that affair.

Where art all thee fidelity man? I feel so sad as she begin to pour her stories to me... What is wrong with man nowsaday?? Simply can just find a reason for this act? If i am her, i really dont know what will i react? People around her ask her to endure and be openhearted, her portugal husband will be home after the 'affair' but i think its really ridiculous.. i cant condo this kind of thinking!!!!!

Maybe not for me... i may not be a perfectionist in most things.. rooms can be messy, work not done, dishes on the sink and out to play.. but when it comes to relations i am dead serious.. Can you imagine, when u gave your heart to someone without any reservations thinking that it will be a fairy tale ending but when the sunsets down.. curtains are drawn ... welcome to real world baby.

I guess i do see a similarity in her when i was with Ben. At that time, to me he is my world, all i wanted is to be with him and him alone... he was my first love, know him in church and we left together... most woman tend to let their heart rule over her emotions. The things that we dont really like to do, but for love's sake we do it, just to please the one we love.


Time progress and our love cant stand the test of time, he finally admitted that he was unfaithful to our relationship. From then, i make up my mind... i decided to leave him despite of how much he meant to me. The rest is history....

I think i am still thankful for God for all these hicups of relations. It really allows me to see clearer what am i looking for in a man. It was never easy to maintain one. It really needs two to clap together to make it work. I really hope that every woman will find a right home with that man she loves.. who doesnt want a happy ending anyway? :)

Till then... let my fairy tale begin..

Feelings...

Tonight i feel abit melachololly ... havent been feeling this way for long. I know he is back we have exchange some smses... i wanted to see him badly, but i know what will happen next if we meet.. So i have decide to curb my longing for him? I know i will plunge in deeper if i meet him and all the months of resisting him will go washed out.

I tell myself i have to be strong, i cant let all my months of effort go to waste. Time and factor are vey vital. Its either you have met the right person at the wrong time or you are in the right time of your life but met the wrong person. For me.. i think i .... As a result im not any happier.. Every relationship matters to me, but u may not got back in return wat you have sow. Its okay.. its alright i will treat it as a part and parcel of life and move on as life progresses.

2 more months before christmas.. so many things yet to be done. However i think it has been a great year for me so far. Hope that 2009 will be a better one for all..

Family Ties

Went to celebrate my brother-in-law birthday last Friday.. As usual.. the same click our us hang out after a good meal at Punggol Seafood.. The place is rather ulu.. but the food is not too bad..
Havent been going out with them.. it was a good catch up time :)

Beauties and A Beast.. haha

Sis, Nic & I

My bro-in-law, Me & Sis

See, Hear, Speak no evil..

Human at last... haha..

Sui Ran Wo Yuan Yi ~ Wu Jia Hui

请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔

我别无选择
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意

再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
心还想着你

I like this song very much.. listen to it every night before i sleep.. It reflects on my feelings...

Well, i am thinking of him still... i know i have bid him goodbye, but often when night falls while the world is asleep, my mind is full of him. People tend to say, an end of a relationship is a beginning of another. I wonder how true? Seems that there is no way out. My heart is so full of him. Saying goodbye is tough but mending memories are tougher.

Each day i immersed myself with work trying to let him go... but how often he actually occupy a space in my heart. God knows how hard i try not to fall.. how hard i try to move on... and how hard not to be so easily move again by guarding my heart.. i tell myself no matter how i have to go through it. Whether for own sake or not, one thing i know i cant stay this way for long..

Still finding myself...

Just Once - James Ingram

I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough
cause here we are back where we were before
seems nothing ever changes
we're back to being strangers
wondering if we ought to stay or head on out the door

Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
why we never last for very long what are we doing wrong
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
to make the magic last for more than just one night
if we could just get to it
I know we could break through it.

I gave my heart but I think my heart may have been too much
cause lord knows we're not getting anywhere
seems we're always blowing whatever we've got going
and it seems at times with all we've got we haven't got a prayer

Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
why the good times never last for long where are we going wrong
Just once...can't we find a way to finally make it right
to make the magic last for more than just one night
i know we could break through it
if we could just get to it

Just once, I want to understand.....why it always comes back to goodbye
why can't we get ourselves in hand
and admit to one another we're no good without each other
take the best and make it better find a way to stay together

Just once.....can't we find a way to finally make it right
Oh..make the magic last for more than just one night
i know we could break through it
if we could just get to it
Just Once.....

TODAY (CCC)
Words and Music by Dan Pringle, Joe Pringle, Leah Pringle

TODAY I’M LEAVING ALL MY TROUBLES BEHIND
I’M LETTING GO I’LL FOLLOW THE LINE
I’M HOLDING ON WITH ALL OF MY LIFE
I SEE A RISING SUN WE’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN

TODAY I’M WALKING TO THE BEAT OF YOUR HEART
YOU TAKE ME ALL THE WAY TO THE START
STRETCH YOUR HANDS STRAIGHTEN THE PATH
I’M FOUND IN OPEN SKIES
YOUR HEART IT LIVES IN MINE

TODAY...TODAY...TODAY... TODAY

I’M FINDING MY FIRST LOVE AGAIN
I’M LEARNING HOW TO LET YOU IN
I’M TRUSTING YOU WITH ALL THAT I AM
THE SHADOWS FADE AWAY
IT’S YOU THAT CLEARS THE DAY

NO MORE RUNNING WILD
I’M YOURS FOR LIFE
WELL YOU GOT ME HERE
WELL YOU GOT ME

I HEAR YOUR CALL TONIGHT
YOUR HEART IS MINE
WELL YOU GOT ME HERE
WELL YOU GOT ME

WHOA...

YOU DREW ME OUT OF THE DEEPEST SEA (WHOA)
YOU GAVE MY SOUL A SONG TO SING (WHOA)
YOU TOOK ME UP ON THE MOUNTAINS HIGH (WHOA)
I SEE MY LIFE IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT WHOA...YEAH!

Another Half Year To Go...

Its just only the end of half year and so many things has been happening... Left a mark on July and now proceeding to August soon.

Well, i have to move on.. life goes on like what i put on my tag line on my msn. Life itself is progression, its always constant and whether you like it or not it will not deter to stop even when u are down and out. The earth will continue to revolve and there will always be a new beginning when something ends.

I have decided to put an end to our 'affair' it wasnt an easy choice i should say but i cant seems to see any future so the best thing for both of us is to let go. It was very hard ... it almost draw out all of my strength. But one thing i am certain about myself, when i have decide to let go i will not look back. God please give me strength to move on.. :) Don't know what is it going to be like in days to come... but i know for sure there will always be something new along the way. Goodbye to this 'love' of mine and welcome a new chapter.

I guess i am much stronger now if not for the past experiences i been through. I used to think that heartaches is my best constant companion but i realized that also time is the best healer ( i mean beside God).

Have you ever think that you will never get over a person for the rest of your life? And through time involvement, heartaches seems to grow lesser despite memories does linger at times, but when you reflect and look upon it, you can only smile and ever thought why are u wasting your tears and energy away for a love that is never meant to be?

It is time to get wiser Chris... i will be more careful to whom i am going to give my heart to this time...

So goodbye dear, this time i wont kiss you goodbye. Follow your dreams till you find it. Let yourself be your constant companion. After all u still chose self :)

As for me, i will be well and guess what?? And I still..... haven't found what i am looking for :)

~cheers from me mate-tees :)~

Where does my heartbeat now?

My feelings is just like tonight's weather... cold, wet and unfriendly. I am feeling very despair. Nothing unusual, i just feel very sad and disheartened.. I was very very disappointed i couldnt see him during the weekend. Supposed to meet up with him, we have agreed to meet but last minute and sms from him has dashed my longings.. he has to be in KL for business and cant make it home on time :(

I was all ready and really looking forward to spend a day with him and was hopeful as i had stored up all my longings for him last week. But an sms from him had ruin all. I feel that my longing has been crushed and i hated the heartbeat of missing him. I know we will meet again, but i know we are running out of time. He may go any minute and i am just wanting to spend as much time with him as possible.

Fate like to makes spot on people. Maybe its God's will? Who knows? Why cant i have some happy moments with him before he goes away for a long time? Maybe we aren't meant to be from start. I tried to let go... treating as normal, but i know that even if i can fool others of how funny or jovial in front of my friends, i know i cant fool myself with the feelings i have.

In a relationship, i know i tend to give more. Thats me. Even though, to be love is better to love others.. i cant help it. Between us, i am the more giving party.

Wanted to catch some sleep but i cant, damn it, my pillow is wet again! Looks like my dark rings are surfacing.. What is the point? Why am i still clinging on? I wanted to share with my friends how i feel but i guess its not necessary. What can they say? Maybe they will end up 'mocking' at me. Thinking why am i so insistent of not wanting to let go.

I dont need any other sets of opinion, i realised that i have withdrawn alot emotionally. Not that i dont want to share but whats the point of saying? I just want them to understand my feelings. But its useless la. No one can help me so whats the point of sharing. Time to retreat to my cave.. call me coward, call me fearful, i just dont know what to do.

I think it will take a long time to heal... God has somehow been forgotten at the back of my mind. I just feel so tough to hang on.. could feel my heart bleeding once again. If relation is so painful and so uncertain, then why does it exist in the first place?

Well, at least i am looking for a break to KL with my closer group of friends. Just want to let my hair down to rest and hopefully i wont think of him so much.

My feelings is so unexplainable, maybe i will just rest it. A thought just came into my mind, maybe its better to be alone, lest i feel hurt again. Should i closed all doors? Or let the wounds heal and be more careful with my heart?

Used to think two is better than one, however, i am not so sure this time... perhaps.. perhaps i belong to the "less fortunate" one. Where is the love?

爱是什麽 什麽人懂
所以 别难过
心还痛吗 请忘了吧
所谓幸福 是个童话
後来的我 一切随意
所以 没关系

Sleepless...

Didn't catch much sleep last night.. expected this way.. i tried very hard to sleep.. but i just couldn't. Lying on bed helplessly, monotonously can't control.. it fell on my pillow again and again... its so painful. If loving someone is so forbidden, why do feelings exist then? My mind is full of him. Wanted to call but i didnt. I know i have to put a stop lest i plunge deeper. So irony, what has happen to me? The carefree gal who is so spirited-free? Where has she gone too this time?

Back to office, feeling so tired and yet i have to try to act as normal.. try to look good and try to be 'back' to my normal self. It is so painful to pretend as if nothing has happen when i am hurting... Only through blogging can release my inner feelings.. perhaps after many years when i looked back i will have a good laugh. How silly of me to feel this way. I guess it will be memories that will leave behind.

I should see it as a new begining for me... him leaving... and i will be starting a new environment, new work portfolio, new colleagues and different sets of challenges ahead install for me. Maybe its a good thing for me to start afresh.

I have told him before, whether we are together for good it doesn't matter, his happiness is what matters most to me. Though we can not be together, i still want him to be well.. happy.. successful..healthy :)

Maybe heartache does pescribe separation.. it will take a while for me to get back on my feet again.... I miss him so...but its about time to let him go.

李圣杰 - 靠近

走在人挤人的走道我问了自已
没有爱情的人是否会长命
那些电影常常让人感觉甜蜜
但是我不相信

坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定

每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏

我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去

坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定

每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏

我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去

能不能够让我再说我爱你
还是你已不想听
能不能够把你彻底的忘记
我是真的搞不清

每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏

我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去

I Miss You...

I thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say
That I loved you, than I realized
And it was just my mind
Playing tricks on me

It seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time when the phone rings

I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe
That we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It is so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it done and over this time?
Have we really changed our minds

But it's other's love
All the feelings that we used to share
I refused to believe
That you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
And it's so easy to see

I've got together my senses to get there
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now, be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
I got carry over

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see

I miss you
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.

I miss you
It's so easy to see
That you're part of me now
I miss you and me

(Sung By Klymaxx)

It's going to be over soon. He will be gone for good. Received his sms just now, he told me he will be leaving for good to KL for other business venture. I knew this day will come. Just the other day, he wanted me to go with him... My heart say "Yes" but my mind say "No". I don't think i can, my roots are here.. if i go with him, i will miss my family and friends.

But i didn't know it has come so fast. Well all good things will come to an end. Like there is a chinese proverbs that says.. " There is no forever banquet in this world, it will come to an end one day". Yes, i will miss him, i will miss the times i have spent with him. The scent of him, the smile on his face and the way we used to tease each other... i guess it will take a long while for me to get over him.

Every time when i see his own kind on streets, somehow it makes me think of him. Never felt so strong for someone for so long... it was not easy for me to open my heart ever since Amos left me for 8 years.. Some man has come along my way, some stayed some went away, but never felt this way for anyone for so long

Guess i am going to have sleepless night again for the next few weeks, i have tried hard to sleep i just cant, my mind is full of him.. i tell myself i will try not to cry, i will try not too :)

But i know i can't get him out of my mind. I keep thinking about how much i enjoy talking with him. How great he look when he smile. I daydream about him off and on all day, replaying pieces of our conversation..laughing again about funny things he said or done.

I memorized his face and the way he look at me it melts my heart. He must be someone really special, because i really can't remember when is the last time i felt so strongly about someone. Even though neither of us knows what the future holds, i know one thing for sure, he is one of the very best things that has happened to me in a long time.

Heard a saying before from the move "Indecent proposal" :

If you love someone and if you want him to he happy
Let him go, set him free
If he comes back to you in time, that means he is yours..
But if he doesn't, that means he is not yours from the start

Memories are given by God, and some are hard to forget.

I really don't know how many heartbreaks i can take before my knight appear and take me away from all the wrong people... Well... i will just wait. I'm sure he will appear one day.. just one day.. meanwhile.. i will move on and on... definitely.

Down Times...

So many things wanted to pen down my feelings tonight. I have been bottling up for weeks... i wanted to share with someone but i held it tight within me.. i was thinking again of others opinion .. i could hardly breathe, all i can feel is there is an ache in my heart that wont want to go away, feels like my heart has been slit open again..how it hurts.. it really hurts.. :(

yes... i have wet my pillow again last night... call me foolish, call me a moron... I am at my crossroad, what are we now? Where are we going? This seems so endless... A friend of mine said its been the same problem since 3 years she has known me but its just different man each time?

Well i beg to differ. I have tried to resist some temptations that has come my way throughout all these years but yet i succeeded, cos i felt that there is no one worth of those so call man that has come my way...

Until i reunited with him again after the cold war we have years ago.. He is not a tenth man in everything. He is independence, has a mind of his own, clever, fun loving, sensitive but yet despite of all the cooperate ladder of success he may climb... man will always be man, when come in terms with the affairs of the heart, they will tend to shut down emotionally, not ready or willing to confront.

In the end, we avoid the big "C" question. It scares him off and it fears me too if what i want to hear is not what i wanted to know. I am not saying that i know man inside out, but at least i have been through a fair share to understand them.

Man, either u love them or hate them. It makes you go over the mountain top when love is sweet, but makes u sink into deeper depression when things turns bitter. Well, he is not a bad man after all... he may have his imperfection and flaws. He has his concerns and struggles too. I understand him fairly..If only life is simpler.

I thought about him very often. I wanted to let him go many times but failed. Seriously i really don't know where am i heading? Have not been hearing from him few days ago and my mind went blank.. i wasn't myself especially when night fall.. i feel so alone, so cold, so helpless and i hated the heartache of missing him... this drives me crazy... until a message came just now, he was away overseas and just got back home.

A sign of relieve came over me when i know he is intact, and i am so happy again to hear from him... you may be thinking why am i so useless? Why do i have to let a man deter my feelings... i really don't know. I am a love moron.. laugh at me i dont mind. its a fact :)

No doubt about it, its true that i like him more, i gave in more to our relations. Isn't it love about giving? But isn't love about both ways too? Its so complex. Maybe its just a physical company we are missing.

This afternoon i talk to a cute little friend of mine... she is so funny... she said that he is an 'ugly' man cos he makes me cry.. and when i heard that i don't know how to respond. haha... and she told me that she will pray for my happiness to come and she don't want her friends to be so unhappy... its very sweet of her. And sincerely i have felt her genuine love for this friendship.

What will i be if i am without friends to hold? One of the things i thank God for is friendship. Friends that is always there for me, listen to me, sort things out with me, pray for me... its is priceless.. you know who u are friends.. i know u will read my blog "wink" :) i thank God for all of you...

I dont know where this road of life will lead us... i will just keep on walking no matter how painful it feels...

李圣杰 - 远走高飞

爱你错了吗
为什么会受到这么多惩罚
他们说的话像针往心里扎

我心中的怕
不知该怎么做才可以放下
只不过想好好的爱一次啊

带我远走高飞
不去理会
这一个蜚短流长的世界布满虚伪

是你让我选择沉醉
繁星守侯月不能睡
只因为爱上了夜的黑

带我远走高飞
一起去追
有一个叫做幸福的世界没有泪水

我已经感觉到疲累
只想在你怀抱入睡
不在乎别人眼中是非

重新再出发
能不能让这天地不再吵杂

我的心里面安静得不像话
故事的真假

没有多余的力气去分辨他
只不过想好好的爱一次啊

带我远走高飞
不去理会
这一个蜚短流长的世界布满虚伪

是你让我选择沉醉
繁星守侯月不能睡
只因为爱上了夜的黑

带我远走高飞
一起去追
有一个叫做幸福的世界没有泪水

我已经感觉到疲累
只想在你怀抱入睡
不在乎别人眼中是非

Take me away to you..

Take away me into your arms as i linger here with you tonight.

Take away me to you as i am here to stay.

Take me away to a far far away land where there is no other.

A place where i can be me and you can be you, being together and forget about others.

No more distractions, no pretense, no differences to mend where love constantly stands.

Could this be love or paintings in my mind?

I wonder where our road will lead us too?

Is it an end of us that will lead a beginning me?

Or a new beginning without you and me?

Only time unfold the mysteries yet untold.

So till then hold fast to our dreams and don't let go.

If fairy tales do really come true for us one day...
May we find each other at the bend of the rainbow someday.

Fallen...

Cant believe it, this marks my 100th post on this blog. Have this bitter sweet feeling. Bitter as i can blog all my frustrations and feelings.. Sweet is because i like to contain happy memories :)

Sometimes i wonder anyone understand me? I guess many times i am always very often been misunderstood. What my friends see me as what i am is not what they get? Maybe to them, i am just a fun, easy going gal.. someone who values friendship. Its true to certain extend. But this is only part of what they are seeing me. I have been hiding... running... how long am i going to run? How long am i going to hide what is within me?

I got a ride home last week from a friend after a run... and she posed me a question, wondering why there are so many broken families and break up among people.. Maybe to her coming from a good family background she may not be able to comprehend as all her life she has been living a shelter and protected life from lack, uncertainities, fears, shame etc... its a good thing being raised in a such a wonderful family but not many people i will say to have such a priviledge. But what matter most how we end our life, though the start maybe a tough one :) End of the matter is always better than the beginning...

Sometimes in life, you dont really have what you wish for... screw up again big time this time. That night i was with him. Seriously i really dont know why i was with him... we came so close yet so far. We are so different in culture, background, colour of skin, yet some kind of forces brought us together. Know him for almost 4 years... kind of tic-a-tac relation and i wonder where are we heading?

Yes i enjoy his company, i enjoy having someone to hold, to be cherish and value as a woman, to have fun with, someone just to be there to cook and clean up and doing things together.. but after all the excitement has gone... when the curtian has drawn away reality hits. The truth hurts but this time i guess i have no regrets. I have no second thoughts about us. We know the rule of the game... Yes i cried to sleep last nite, the pain in my heart is indescrible, feeling is so unbearable.

Tried to talk to a friend today but i held back... i cant trust anyone... i feel so withdrawn and alienated... i havent been sharing much about my life since one of my avid listener is busy with motherhood... i am not blaming her.. Everyone has priorities i understand, everyone is moving on with their own life, who would want to care? Even if they wanted too.. i dont want to impose them anymore... I know my friends love me, but i find it hard to accept it.. will they still love me after they know the other part of me? Will they still accept me after the dark is brought out of light? :)

Yes, i am afraid for the first time about peoples' opinion... hearing them saying why u do it again? why u dont cherish yourself?? etc... u have cheapen your call etc... i dont need them to tell me what i already know, but who really can understand what i am going through? I am so afraid to share, words will spread like wild fire... I cant trust anyone... i am so afraid of that look of condemnation.

Suddenly i realised how that adultery woman must have felt... not that i was in any adultery, but from the perception point of her view i stood, i finally understand her position. I really do understand. When i get to heaven, if i see her there i will go and find her :)

I know how it feels like when u need someone to hold yet you find no one true. All those man are after something else and after use... she has been discarded, put away with... and i can understand how she must have felt. Dirty, lonely, separated, misunderstood by friends and people around her just dont understand why she cant love and respect herself ( i am sure her friends will ask her to wait for a better man to come along, but yet she didnt. Sure i believe she has tarry hard and long enough, but yet she give in to temptation..)

I really can identity how miserable she must have felt one man after another... i am sure its not a heat of passion, i believe she is more sober than anyone else... she just needed someone to hold to have a sense of belonging...

But thank God, at least Jesus didnt cast the first stone at her. If He has done that, i guess He will start casting stones to many. Yet He pick her up and cleanse her, forgive her and asking her to move on and sin no more. Thank God for such a wonderful saviour. I know if im in her shoes, i will have a portion of His forgiveness too...

Sometimes when i look at my friends, though they may face different trials and challenges, but their life is much simpler i feel. Maybe i am really asking for it. Its all about choices we make. What we do today determine our tomorrow. This time i wonder do i still have detours.. U-turns to go? I felt dead, among the living...

My heart is heavy, I will try not to cry again tonight...i know we will still meet, i know life goes on.. but we know it will have no end... letting go is hard, forgetting is even harder... Come what may, what have i not been through? I have been through the worse and yet i have survive :)

Came across article that i have abstracted; Max Lucado one of my favourite author... If you happen to come to my blog.. read on and be bless..

Anvil Time : by Max Lucado On God's anvil

Perhaps you've been there. Melted down. Formless. Undone. Placed on the anvil for...reshaping? (A few rough edges too many.) Discipline? (A good father disciplines.) Testing? (But why so hard?)

I know. I've been on it. It's rough. It's a spiritual slump, a famine. The fire goes out. Although the fire may flame for a moment, it soon disappears. We drift downward. Downward into the foggy valley of question, the misty lowland of discouragement. Motivation wanes. Desire is distant. Responsibilities are depressing.

Passion? It slips out the door.Enthusiasm? Are you kidding?Anvil time.

It can be caused by a death, a breakup, going broke, going prayerless. The light switch is flipped off and the room darkens. "All the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, wondering....."

On the anvil.
Brought face to face with God out of the utter realization that we have nowhere else to go. Jesus in the garden. Peter with a tear-streaked face. David after Bathsheba. Elijah and the "still, small voice." Paul, blind in Damascus.

Pound, pound, pound.

I hope you're not on the anvil. (Unless you need to be, and if so, I hope you are.) Anvil time is not to be avoided; it's to be experienced. Although the tunnel is dark, it does go through the mountain. Anvil time reminds us of who we are and who God is. We shouldn't try to escape it. To escape it could be to escape God.

God sees our life from beginning to end. He may lead us through a storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricane at age sixty. An instrument is useful only if it's in the right shape. A dull ax or bent screwdriver needs attention, and so do we. A good blacksmith keeps his tools in shape. So does God.

Should God place you on his anvil, be thankful. It means he thinks you're still worth reshaping.

Rainbow

Ever wonder why God give us rainbow? According to the old testatment in the bible, God wanted to destroy mankind as they have sinned against God and their heart is awefully wicked. God somehow was grieved and wanted to destroy humanity by sending a major flood to flood over the whole world. But when God look upon the earth, he found Noah. He was a righteous man and through Noah, God has assigned a task to him to build Him a ark for the coming flood.

People ridicule him but Noah's convictions was un-stoppable and hence when the day of the flood came, only all the animals and his family was saved in the ark. After the flood is over, God gave a convenant to us with a seal of a beautiful bend of rainbow that He will not destroy the earth again...

I was pondering about this passage as i was blogging... Last week was a hectic week for me. Torn by many decisions at work and many other things...

As i was dragging my feet to work after a stormy morning, i was making my way to work and was looking down while walking towards my bus stop, then suddenly i lift up my head and a smile broke out when i saw a big bend of beautiful rainbow.

It was the most beautiful rainbow i have ever seen in my life :) All of sudden all my thoughts that has been cluttering my mind seems to be so insignificant. It was like as if God has painted that rainbow especially for me. Im not sure if anyone has lift up their heads and look up the sky but surely i did.

I felt as if God speaking to me to lift up my head to Him, to look to Him. Indeed, we all go through life's challenges dont we? Desires that has yet to be met, a love that longs for a return, disease that long to be heal, mountains of debt to be clear, a career that seems so meaningless, heartaches that never ceases, a pain that we thought it can never go away.... the list goes on and on...

Have you ever been caught in one of that situations? If you have not, well at least i do. But one thing i know for sure... after the stormy weather it will be the rainbow we will see.

After all I may not know what my future holds.. But i am sure to know who holds my future :)

Closure

The stale air after the rain lingers around the street as i walk back home that night. If there is rainbow after the rain i wonder how may rainbow will i see?

As i walk back that night alot of things came into my mind.. once again my heart is still missing him. I miss having him around, i miss every part of him. His wit, his sense of humor everything about him i am still missing.

I think fate likes to make spot people... feel so wrong yet so right. Sometimes i wonder why do we have to make such a choice?

It is time to move on. I bid him goodbye through sms and im getting out of this tic-a-tac kind of relations. However, he will always have a special place in my heart. Memories are what he left behind. I think about him still...

There will always comes a point where friendship has grown and has taken into another new height. But what if it doesnt goes into the next level. Both will feel stuck and hard to move on.

Actually in a relationship there is no right or wrong or who is giving more or lesser. Its really both parties complementing each other's strength and weakness working towards it.

Its my fault. I feel that its all my fault. If I have become .... maybe there is hope. But he is not God he dont look at my heart. He is still a man after all.

I dont want to explain, dont wish to hear any more...

Dont come and tell me u understand how i feel, dont come and tell me u empathsie me, dont come and tell me what i have already know. Im sick of hearing it!

Im just tired... not looking any further... just want to find a place rest and hide...

Love That Goes A Distance

Finally... the season for marriage has come to an end... well at least for this year... hahaha... i can really count the numbers of wedding i have been attending since last year... and each wedding is differently unique in its own ways and im sure the best is always save for last. I am indeed priviledge to go through just one more for this year i hope.. haha... and finally i can take a breather after this one...

Joyce came into our big family E375 sometime back (pardon my loss of memory...hehehe)... At first i thought that she is just an ordinary member who just came to our big spiritual family and just be one of us... However as times evoles... thing started to change and we become friends :) we have become closer indeed as we make time for each other...

Friendship blossom not only between us and some friends too.. Always enjoy her company and her creativity always amazes me... Then came Warren... her better half.. a New Zealander who talks like BBC but never was one..haha.. he is witty, unpredicting... can never get enough of food and yet so slim... hehehe... always sleepy... haha...

I attend their wedding this month and i thought love can never be sweeter than this. They have went through so many things together and finally distance doesnt deter them. It takes tenancity and much committment to hold a relationship together and i know that with all the things that they went through marriage has certainly reached a new height for both...

So i decided to pen this poem down... dont know whether if they got the chance to see.. but at least just want to extend my love and friendship to them... The Young Ones... this poem is for you..

Love That Goes A Distance...

If love can goes a distance, let his heart goes with you...
If love can transcend many miles, let both heart be so true..
All your longings has come to an end,
And now finally the time is here.

As you both know its the begining of your new life together
and many good times you will endear.

Knowing your marriage will be forever blissful,
as you both commit your lives before God grateful.

All the best for your new life dude and dudette :) and i know that fairy tales just started here!

GoodBye 2007

I bid my last goodbye 2007 in my room last nite. It so unlike me i thought... used to be that "wild" party gal who will not missed any parties and countdown, and for a moment i thought what is happening to me? Has this wild horse gone tame?? Hahah...

Change. Its a factor. This is what i have decided to do this year. Changes is always around us and i cant expect to have a different result by doing the same thing everytime.

At least one thing i done it right is to cross over 2008 with God last nite. Nothing spectular.. expected something dramatic.. but no Gabriel angel or some great light that comes shining into my room.. (hmm.. my imagination runs wild) but i know God is there. He is in my room crossing over 2007 with me to the next. I felt His strong, sturdy hands leading me into the New Year.

Though i was alone but i am never lonely. I know that He hears me. Every prayers that i have make i know He listens. I know this year is going to be the best year yet.

Forget about the good, bad and the ugly of 2007. Its all over and a new year has come.

So many changes come within 2007, the pace is so fast that i cant even take a breather... friendships started to change. Status started to change... and all these changes are really beyond our control sometimes.

The friends you thought you will have forever seems to be drawing a distance.. promises that was make seems not to find answer. Everyone, every situation, everyday seems to be changing. There is no such things as forever. Time to wake up! Time to face the hard fact truth about life!

Welcome change, time to bid my own bubble world goodbye.

This new year will be better. It will not be the same.

So how do you readers react to change?

All i can say is the only constant thing in life is CHANGE ~ Edwin Louis Cole.