Inspite Of...

Met up my friend M for lunch on saturday, as usual my favourite hang out place Parkway Parade. We are just having some small chats and sharing about God. How He brought me throughout all these years...

My this little friend has been drifting away from God :) maybe she feels that there is more than life in that outside world and as months went by.. her direction in her life seems to be blur through life stains and became frustrated with everything. That bubble gal in that bubble world... the bubble seems to burst and reality saps in.. welcome to the school of hard knocks :)

Sounds familiar to me i thought... my mind went all the way back to memory lane few years ago and how i thought i am through with God and never want to have anything to do with Him and His people anymore! I feel so many rules and regulation to abide at that time i thought i really wanted to find my own life, a Christless life without God. Like a small gal in this big big world out there where temptations are colourful and where wolves are awaiting to devour me :(

Leaving God at that moment seems to have this so call burden lifted up from me, i thought i am free indeed... but as i enjoyed the world outside, i begin to miss Home. Just like the portgual son, few years of wasted living... I started missing church, missing all my friends.. missing God and ultimately i miss His presence.

I learn many valuable lessons while i am out in the world, met different men, end up with wrong relationships.. and having countless of heartbreaks.. and i thought i am going to be Mrs Chia when he popped the question.. thinking thats it my life has been planned, just like those normal mandanue people walking through life in this cycle, falling in love and getting married etc... Somehow i just know he is not the man i am going to marry, but when your soul is tired you just need a harbour to rest upon and so i said Yes to him...

One day i cried out to God and i wanted Him badly in my life again, be careful what you pray for... things started to happen so instanteously that before i know it our relationship is over. A waved of relieved came over me. Though i feel its a pity and of cos there is sure amount of sadness that our love didnt blosoom but i am glad its over and i have moved on since then not looking back.

Then my friend interrupted my thought as i was thinking... she asked me a question... she said that do you feel lonely? After seeing so many friends pairing up one by one.. and living a happy ever after marriage life.. Oh mine what a question! She was asking how i feel and why God didnt play fair to me all these while when i am in church, staying faithful to the call and why didnt God fulfilled the desires of my heart? Why did God allow things to happen in my life? Why didnt He bless me etc...

At that moment, i felt like Job in the bible..hahah.. really.. of cos my life cant be compare to him but i felt the challenge again as she was throwing me all thoses questions.. Actually, everytime whenever i lay my head on my bed i often thought of all these question to sleep at nite.

Yes of cos i am a human i do feel lonely, everyone needs a hand to hold at the end of our life journey. I was angry at God at one point of time thinking why my desires didnt come to pass? I didnt ask much. I didnt ask to win a million dollar.. or wanted to be the most attractive person in the world.. my desires are small and yet not hidden but why didnt He give me? At that time i felt forsaken and forgotten wanting to go back to my cave for a good retreat not wanting to come out of my closet.

God always have His ways with me, i guess beside my grandma, He knows me best :)

I told my friend, yes there is no doubt to feel this way, but if i love God just because of what He can do for me... then where is the genunity of my love for Him? Christianity was never meant to a bed of roses, but inspite of all the trials, testings, uncertainity and unanswered prayer we still want to thank God for all He has done and what He is going to do. I believe God will not short change me, He will give me double :)

Pastor Kong mentioned today when we dont get what we desire now is because God has a greater and better plan for us. Yes i believe delay is not denial. I will wait upon God patiently for things to come to past.

I realised that my love for God has deepened ... all i can say is i want to run to Him when i am hurting, after all He has been my silent support all these years even when i dont see His hands moving, i will still trust His heart.

To Jesus, I love you, I love you...

Oh as for my little friend, if you happen to see my blog, just to let you know... hang in there ya? You are never alone :) Who knows you will see that light in that tunnel? Your directions of life now maybe blurred but go to Him .. let your tears washed away all your fears and anxieties and i am sure your vision for your life will soon be clear, the day will come and soon you will be able to sing and dance in the field again moving up to your moutain top after your valley experiences ... just keep on walking.. dont stop and dont look back :)

I believe in you and i am sure you will know how to find your way back home... awaiting for your return soon ~ little lamb.

Forgiveness & Love Goes Hand In Hand

Was in Joyce Meyer service today and i enjoyed every part of it. What an inspiration role model preacher she was!

She was mentioning about how we need to love ourself and take care of God's temple and be able to live with ourself so that when we have a right standing we can let the love of God flow through us to other people.

Simple truth but yet i thought its a real challenge to do! Not many people like how they look, not many people are as accomodating to other people's weaknesses.. hmm... it only just take one to change our world.

Then she shared about her story of buying a soul instead of a house for her father who had sexually abused her when she was young. Loving your enemies even if you dont feel like too. You cant give what you dont have...

I pondered long and hard over this, and many times i wanted too and i have forgiven those who have hurt me. It was a long healing journey process though. And many times i really struggled hard to forgive. Its always a constant battle of our soul, and sometimes i even woke up with cold sweat and it can be depressing to dream that what if one day i run into him in church. Will my heart be as big as what i always pray to contain those who done me wrong? Will i run away? Will i hide again? What if.. what if..

Seriously i really dont know, but i know one thing for sure if that day do really come, God will not allow me to go through things which i cant handle :)

Actually i am waiting.. waiting not to see justice done. But rather i am waiting on God, God is not someone who will short change me after what i have went through and i know that he loves to be near the broken hearted. It will be exciting to anticipate what God is about to do in my life...

But i know all my desires will come to past... its just in a matter of time :)

JESUS

Cant get a wink last nite and i kept thinking about HIM. Thinking about what my life will not be if its not for HIM. Talk to HIM last nite and i feel HIM near in my room...

Dont know why this feeling seems so close yet so far.. then took out my hp and wrote this ...

With you...

Let your love washed over me tonight
As i pray and held my hands tight
Let all my insecurities and uncertainties fade
When i live in your presence each day

I long to be with you
I long to tell you what is inside me
My thoughts, my struggles, my feelings
And my everything

Please come inside my heart
And see if it's true that I love you

Lord my life is in your hands
Do it accordingly as you plan

Watched over me lest i stray
I just want to be with you all of my days

Yes its true, its true
My abba I do really love you.

GOD OF MY FOREVER

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul

God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Forever and ever Jesus
You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

~Reflections~

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day it's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world what's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think?

How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

One Love, One Life

Since i have such a long shut down from work this week, i decided to go home finally after so long :) When i reach my folks home, i saw this picture hanging on their room. This lovely picture was taken 2 years ago when my sister got married back then. It was such a joyous occassion and i stared long at this picture and sure being an emotional me... i do have things to say about this 4 letter word. Yet so simple but not many people can hold it... ~ LOVE ~

Have you wonder what kept our parents marriages alive after such a long time? I started to wonder what has actually kept their love burning? Though i may not grow up with my folks but i do see them loving each other in different ways. There are times where couple fights and quarrel.. there are even times when one is being throw out of the bedroom... hahah... ( i wonder why is always the man being kick out all the time?? ) haha...

At our parents time, all i can say is Love is really a matter of choice despite of the temperature of the heart. It really is... i tend to feel quite alot where some couples begin their marriage with red hot passion and soon it fades away either through life toils or by some other unforseen factor we outsider dont know.

This week i had an opportunity to go out with Joyce as usual we will go out to chill at town... always like her company though i always like to 'irriate' her.. haha... share a fair bit of our family, life, friends etc... i always enjoy my time out with her.

Then we went to a coffee place to rest our feet and have a drink, i saw a friend whom i have not seen in church for a very long time. My instinct told me that something is not right with him, his countenance gave him away. I knew something is not right then i told joyce that he might not be in church anymore and i guess maybe he is divorce. (Now please dont get me wrong, i dont gloat over people's misfortunte but something just tell me that).

As we are about to leave that place i bid my friend goodbye and tried exchange a few lines with him... and i guess my instinct is right.. I didnt pursue or ask him any personal he just told me that his marriage is over...

I wasnt shock but i was abit sadden. He used to do very well in church and we are classmates from the same badge in Bible School, took care of Hollywood, married the love of his love and eventually run his family business. I really dont know where did love go? If love can be gone through life trials & testings then where is the essences of it? I hear too much, seen too much of many failed marriages but yet i still choose to believe there are still good marriages around that is in the binding. Love is really a choice, its really till death do us part thing.

I wonder when he comes along... will he love me till the end?? But for now, at least im assured that at least God do :)

Today, i went purposely to go to middle road to buy this egg tart. Just becos my sister has been wanting to eat yet not chance too. I am surprised that being a very lazy me i went out such lengths to buy for her :)

hahaha.. i guess thats what kinship is all about... i always felt that im such a lousy sister. Cant really do or give much to my sister but at least this is the least i can do for her... Hope she will like it.. its very nice and tasty... and its healthy!!! Its soya bean egg tart unlike the traddition ones that we buy outside. My sister and i are very different. We live in a different world, her world is much simpler... not so much of complications unlike mine. But im glad and happy for her that she is happily married with such a supporting husband. My brother in law and I click on quite well :)

My sister and i used to quarrel alot, fight alot and somehow while growing up in two different places i tend to be jealous and envy of her being doted by my parents since young. She has her first birthday celebaration when she is at very young age while i dont. I can still remember i stared with anger and rejection from my parent as a kid thinking why am i so different from the rest of the kids? Am i not their own too?? And it took me 21 years to have one family birthday gathering for me well i guess delay is not denial sometimes.. hahaha...

Well i have gotten over the past issue and sometimes when i look back, i am so amazed that why is my heart so small at that time compare to now? Maturity takes time to develop i guess. Right now my sis and i are much closer. Though i dont really share much of my thoughts to her not becos she is not capable of handling it.. but i guess i dont really want her to carry my unseen burdens :)

I know we love each other in different ways ... and i hope God can bring her back once again! Only God can do that surgery in her heart.. and im awaiting for my whole family members to be saved. Only God can do such a mircale!

Friendship From God :)

I think beside children are one of God's best gift to man, friendship is one of it too. This morning i was awoken up by an sms. I was elated to see a sms by a friend kind words and i feel so much comforted being loved again. Sometimes i feel that friendship comes in a nick of time to give an emotional lift and it feel good that my blog is constantly view upon by those who love me.

In fact, i remember the other day i was feeling very tired and dont feel like going on anymore, i sms to kodomo and lament my woe over sms... the next day i received an sms back from her saying that... " U tired.. i'll be there to carry for you :) with such one sentence it so sweet yet so simple. Tears swell up in my eyes its warms my tired heart. Im really very bless to have such a friend like her. Though we may not talk alot or met up alot but im sure the bond within us stay.

Actually i never thought that i can make good friendships with so many wonderful people around me. During my study days, i have a Form Teacher who warned one of my best friend in school not to get near me as i will lead her into bad path..it takes one rotten apple to spoil the whole carton? i was rather hurt by the remark back then and i thought am i that bad being a person?

Times pass, in life u win some and lose some, i make some good friends and not so good ones. But i have always feel that im not good enough to be a friend to anyone, call it an esteem problem... call it whatever ... and i find it hard to accept their love. But i somehow feel very fortunate to have friends that came along side to help me to pull through one obstacles after another. Friends are like extra pair of wings, they carry you when you are down. Im very thankful to God really, remembering His faithfulness while i am not.

I hope i can be a better friend :) to all ...

Sense Verses In-Sensitivity??? 3 August 2007, Friday

Someone today did a very insensitive thing to me in cell and i cant believe he has done it over again and again... I was so angry and i went to Siang's house toilet to hide and cry. I cant believe i have done that, all along i thought its okay to let people laugh at, but im sure my emotions has a limit.

Actually i dont blame it on the person who has hurt me... i think he has every right too... Fat people are always bullied and laugh upon so i dont really dont blame him at all.

I tried to hold back my tears but it just kept freely flowing out from my eyes. Till then no one knows what happened and when the toilet door is open... i compose back to my normal self. I thought i have acted very well until.. someone saw through it...

While making our way to have our normal fellowship in the car and i cried quietly not wanting to be console by her. Guess bottle up emotions are not good at all.

In fact this week i am not feeling too good emotionally.. fighting my way out of depression and yet kept on eating and eating uncontrollably... i know its not good. I dont feel good either. No one likes to be fat! But yet being FAT is always the joke of many people.

7 August 2007

I wonder if people is in my shoe.... what will they think? Like today i went to meet up with some of my ex-colleagues.. they do joke about that "wave is coming" while i shift my seat nearer... well.. i just look normal and act blur... but inside im really hurting... fresh wounds that i have been trying to close all these while have cut open up again.

I know they dont mean it just a joke out of it again.. I didnt say doesnt mean i dont feel hurtful? Being fat is a sin too? I dont know.. i tried... i really tried to change but when im depress the tendency then to eat more...I have enough! Should i fight back relentlessly? or should I confront my fears? I really dont know....im very tired... just want to rest...

SIMPSON'S FAMILY
Went to watch Bart Simpsons on saturday... at first i was quite skeptical about this cartoon as i never really watch before.. but from the begining of the show it started to the end... i can never imagine that i laugh so hard and loud. Its worth watching! It's funny and i never thought that i can laugh throughout the show... hahaha... especially the spider pig song... its so hilarious!!!!

SPIDER PIG(Homer Simpson Sings)

SPIDER PIGDoes whatever a SPIDER PIG does

Can he swing From a web No he cant,He's a pigLOOK OOOUUUTTT!!!!He is a SPIDER PIG!!

I laugh so loud... hahaha... and i even got this song from joyce to put into my mobile... hahaha.. I still find it very entertaining... hmm... maybe i havent been really laughing much lately :)

Return to blogging...

Yes yes... after so long i know that i have not been blogging for a long long time... lol ... im sure some of my ardent fans might been thinking all these while where am i hidding again? Which cave do i go to for medidation? Well im finally back! I have come out from my cave this time with many lessons learn :) I wanted to blog really but just seems not to find time too :) but since i have this one week break... i think i better start blogging ...

Return where i landed ...

I have left Cold Storage to a better company now where im already 3 month confirmed staff. Well, to me it seems like 3 years had past.. so busy everyday. Facing different situation and funny griveness... i guess if you like this line... people irriate you everyday whether you like it or not.. Maybe God has put me there to be a problem solver ba... so i dont dare to complain but just be thankful at least i have a job and something i like to do... get connected to people needs etc..

Life has been okay at least for work. Thinking of going back to school... back to basics... havent got a concrete plan just yet, but thinking of going to Isreal a place i pin for so long :) so im trying at least the best i know how to scrimp and save the best i know how. It has been my dream to go there. At least its step closer to God.

Wedding Fever...

Well what else can i say? In June and July this year i witness both beautiful marriage. Each of it got its different theme and i enjoy every moment of it. Though its really tiring but yet i guess its the company of good friends we have to pull through one hurdle after another.
More weddings to come... There will also be a season for everything! Meanwhile stay tunned for more blogs to come...