Where does my heartbeat now?

My feelings is just like tonight's weather... cold, wet and unfriendly. I am feeling very despair. Nothing unusual, i just feel very sad and disheartened.. I was very very disappointed i couldnt see him during the weekend. Supposed to meet up with him, we have agreed to meet but last minute and sms from him has dashed my longings.. he has to be in KL for business and cant make it home on time :(

I was all ready and really looking forward to spend a day with him and was hopeful as i had stored up all my longings for him last week. But an sms from him had ruin all. I feel that my longing has been crushed and i hated the heartbeat of missing him. I know we will meet again, but i know we are running out of time. He may go any minute and i am just wanting to spend as much time with him as possible.

Fate like to makes spot on people. Maybe its God's will? Who knows? Why cant i have some happy moments with him before he goes away for a long time? Maybe we aren't meant to be from start. I tried to let go... treating as normal, but i know that even if i can fool others of how funny or jovial in front of my friends, i know i cant fool myself with the feelings i have.

In a relationship, i know i tend to give more. Thats me. Even though, to be love is better to love others.. i cant help it. Between us, i am the more giving party.

Wanted to catch some sleep but i cant, damn it, my pillow is wet again! Looks like my dark rings are surfacing.. What is the point? Why am i still clinging on? I wanted to share with my friends how i feel but i guess its not necessary. What can they say? Maybe they will end up 'mocking' at me. Thinking why am i so insistent of not wanting to let go.

I dont need any other sets of opinion, i realised that i have withdrawn alot emotionally. Not that i dont want to share but whats the point of saying? I just want them to understand my feelings. But its useless la. No one can help me so whats the point of sharing. Time to retreat to my cave.. call me coward, call me fearful, i just dont know what to do.

I think it will take a long time to heal... God has somehow been forgotten at the back of my mind. I just feel so tough to hang on.. could feel my heart bleeding once again. If relation is so painful and so uncertain, then why does it exist in the first place?

Well, at least i am looking for a break to KL with my closer group of friends. Just want to let my hair down to rest and hopefully i wont think of him so much.

My feelings is so unexplainable, maybe i will just rest it. A thought just came into my mind, maybe its better to be alone, lest i feel hurt again. Should i closed all doors? Or let the wounds heal and be more careful with my heart?

Used to think two is better than one, however, i am not so sure this time... perhaps.. perhaps i belong to the "less fortunate" one. Where is the love?

爱是什麽 什麽人懂
所以 别难过
心还痛吗 请忘了吧
所谓幸福 是个童话
後来的我 一切随意
所以 没关系

Sleepless...

Didn't catch much sleep last night.. expected this way.. i tried very hard to sleep.. but i just couldn't. Lying on bed helplessly, monotonously can't control.. it fell on my pillow again and again... its so painful. If loving someone is so forbidden, why do feelings exist then? My mind is full of him. Wanted to call but i didnt. I know i have to put a stop lest i plunge deeper. So irony, what has happen to me? The carefree gal who is so spirited-free? Where has she gone too this time?

Back to office, feeling so tired and yet i have to try to act as normal.. try to look good and try to be 'back' to my normal self. It is so painful to pretend as if nothing has happen when i am hurting... Only through blogging can release my inner feelings.. perhaps after many years when i looked back i will have a good laugh. How silly of me to feel this way. I guess it will be memories that will leave behind.

I should see it as a new begining for me... him leaving... and i will be starting a new environment, new work portfolio, new colleagues and different sets of challenges ahead install for me. Maybe its a good thing for me to start afresh.

I have told him before, whether we are together for good it doesn't matter, his happiness is what matters most to me. Though we can not be together, i still want him to be well.. happy.. successful..healthy :)

Maybe heartache does pescribe separation.. it will take a while for me to get back on my feet again.... I miss him so...but its about time to let him go.

李圣杰 - 靠近

走在人挤人的走道我问了自已
没有爱情的人是否会长命
那些电影常常让人感觉甜蜜
但是我不相信

坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定

每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏

我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去

坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定

每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏

我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去

能不能够让我再说我爱你
还是你已不想听
能不能够把你彻底的忘记
我是真的搞不清

每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏

我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去

I Miss You...

I thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say
That I loved you, than I realized
And it was just my mind
Playing tricks on me

It seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time when the phone rings

I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe
That we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It is so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it done and over this time?
Have we really changed our minds

But it's other's love
All the feelings that we used to share
I refused to believe
That you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
And it's so easy to see

I've got together my senses to get there
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now, be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
I got carry over

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see

I miss you
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.

I miss you
It's so easy to see
That you're part of me now
I miss you and me

(Sung By Klymaxx)

It's going to be over soon. He will be gone for good. Received his sms just now, he told me he will be leaving for good to KL for other business venture. I knew this day will come. Just the other day, he wanted me to go with him... My heart say "Yes" but my mind say "No". I don't think i can, my roots are here.. if i go with him, i will miss my family and friends.

But i didn't know it has come so fast. Well all good things will come to an end. Like there is a chinese proverbs that says.. " There is no forever banquet in this world, it will come to an end one day". Yes, i will miss him, i will miss the times i have spent with him. The scent of him, the smile on his face and the way we used to tease each other... i guess it will take a long while for me to get over him.

Every time when i see his own kind on streets, somehow it makes me think of him. Never felt so strong for someone for so long... it was not easy for me to open my heart ever since Amos left me for 8 years.. Some man has come along my way, some stayed some went away, but never felt this way for anyone for so long

Guess i am going to have sleepless night again for the next few weeks, i have tried hard to sleep i just cant, my mind is full of him.. i tell myself i will try not to cry, i will try not too :)

But i know i can't get him out of my mind. I keep thinking about how much i enjoy talking with him. How great he look when he smile. I daydream about him off and on all day, replaying pieces of our conversation..laughing again about funny things he said or done.

I memorized his face and the way he look at me it melts my heart. He must be someone really special, because i really can't remember when is the last time i felt so strongly about someone. Even though neither of us knows what the future holds, i know one thing for sure, he is one of the very best things that has happened to me in a long time.

Heard a saying before from the move "Indecent proposal" :

If you love someone and if you want him to he happy
Let him go, set him free
If he comes back to you in time, that means he is yours..
But if he doesn't, that means he is not yours from the start

Memories are given by God, and some are hard to forget.

I really don't know how many heartbreaks i can take before my knight appear and take me away from all the wrong people... Well... i will just wait. I'm sure he will appear one day.. just one day.. meanwhile.. i will move on and on... definitely.

Down Times...

So many things wanted to pen down my feelings tonight. I have been bottling up for weeks... i wanted to share with someone but i held it tight within me.. i was thinking again of others opinion .. i could hardly breathe, all i can feel is there is an ache in my heart that wont want to go away, feels like my heart has been slit open again..how it hurts.. it really hurts.. :(

yes... i have wet my pillow again last night... call me foolish, call me a moron... I am at my crossroad, what are we now? Where are we going? This seems so endless... A friend of mine said its been the same problem since 3 years she has known me but its just different man each time?

Well i beg to differ. I have tried to resist some temptations that has come my way throughout all these years but yet i succeeded, cos i felt that there is no one worth of those so call man that has come my way...

Until i reunited with him again after the cold war we have years ago.. He is not a tenth man in everything. He is independence, has a mind of his own, clever, fun loving, sensitive but yet despite of all the cooperate ladder of success he may climb... man will always be man, when come in terms with the affairs of the heart, they will tend to shut down emotionally, not ready or willing to confront.

In the end, we avoid the big "C" question. It scares him off and it fears me too if what i want to hear is not what i wanted to know. I am not saying that i know man inside out, but at least i have been through a fair share to understand them.

Man, either u love them or hate them. It makes you go over the mountain top when love is sweet, but makes u sink into deeper depression when things turns bitter. Well, he is not a bad man after all... he may have his imperfection and flaws. He has his concerns and struggles too. I understand him fairly..If only life is simpler.

I thought about him very often. I wanted to let him go many times but failed. Seriously i really don't know where am i heading? Have not been hearing from him few days ago and my mind went blank.. i wasn't myself especially when night fall.. i feel so alone, so cold, so helpless and i hated the heartache of missing him... this drives me crazy... until a message came just now, he was away overseas and just got back home.

A sign of relieve came over me when i know he is intact, and i am so happy again to hear from him... you may be thinking why am i so useless? Why do i have to let a man deter my feelings... i really don't know. I am a love moron.. laugh at me i dont mind. its a fact :)

No doubt about it, its true that i like him more, i gave in more to our relations. Isn't it love about giving? But isn't love about both ways too? Its so complex. Maybe its just a physical company we are missing.

This afternoon i talk to a cute little friend of mine... she is so funny... she said that he is an 'ugly' man cos he makes me cry.. and when i heard that i don't know how to respond. haha... and she told me that she will pray for my happiness to come and she don't want her friends to be so unhappy... its very sweet of her. And sincerely i have felt her genuine love for this friendship.

What will i be if i am without friends to hold? One of the things i thank God for is friendship. Friends that is always there for me, listen to me, sort things out with me, pray for me... its is priceless.. you know who u are friends.. i know u will read my blog "wink" :) i thank God for all of you...

I dont know where this road of life will lead us... i will just keep on walking no matter how painful it feels...