Zoo Out

On 1 Dec 2007, after for so long not been to the Zoo, my sis, brother-in-law and my cousin decided to make a trip down to mandai... Here are some of the pictures we took...

The Happy Four

It was a fun day... after zoo we went for movie then to orchard then for a sumptous dinner.. though it was a whole day affair, we are very tired yet happy :)

Facing Your Giants

Anticipated waking up early to go service as today is one of my favourite Pastor Phil coming to town.. While i was mending my own business and looking out for the LATE COMERS to come i got the chance to talk to one of my cell group member :)

Never really have much time to catch up with her but we somehow strike a conversation... the things that she said had somehow have left a mark and she ministers to me though its just a short span of time... i have tried to held back my tears hard enough hoping that i looked "normal".

I think she understood how i felt all along inside.. All the suppression that was held inside came out under the swept carpet...

Many times we wanted God to intervene in our life.. Be it in our career, family or love life.. but as God starts to take over the driver seat of our life, be it an unanswered prayer... life trials ... challenges ahead of us that is not fulfilled yet, we somehow tend to wonder whats wrong? Is God there? Why is He so silent? Is He punishing me and not wanting to give me what i desired?

My friend mentioned that when God put testings ahead of us, He often love to test our desires... and often our desires are our weakest weakness and its always the one that tempt us most...

And with this, i thought of how our "Isaac: have to be placed on the altar - slaughtered.

I wonder what went through on Abraham's mind that day when he took Isaac on the Moriah moutain? He has been asking God for just a son from sarah's womb and how he has waited for the promise to come.. and eventually it came..

But now God is testing Abraham's love. It must be tough on him. I guess the day before he took Isaac, he must have pleaded with God and how he wished that he may have heard wrongly...he must be turning and tossing on his cushion wooden bed feeling sleepless that night. Finally obedience took over..

He must be wiping his tears silently on his both sleeves without letting Isaac see unknowingly as they proceed to the mountain. Tears of joy becoming tears of burnt offering... But despite of it all Abraham hope in God for a mircale.

The rest is history... when love is being tested and purified under fire.. God make a way, by sending a ram caught in the thorns, in exchange of Isaac's place. God have saved the day once again :)

How many of us are like Abraham willing to love God to the extent of giving up Isaac... i really dont know... Its a path way that i am still learning... Leting Go and leting God can be very scary at times. He will bring you places where you have not been.. Its quite a journey though.

Many our us are living at crossroads... u are standing in the middle hoping that other people will give you a push or a directions to lead you to the right place.

Throughout all these years i came to realise one thing. Actually all of us know where we should be heading too and how to get there. But lazyiness, procrastination over took our passion, faith and belief in God.

In the end we tend to do the things we like and hated to pay the price so as a result, people started to "run away" from God... Be it physcially or emotionally... all this time keep running until you come to a place where you reached a dead end.

God is a good God. I know that He always give us many chances... but i do fear when our chances are run-out, He will not strive with us forever and when the last trumpet had sound... i wonder where can we run? Where do we hide? We can run all our lives.. but we cant hide from Him. King David even say, even if he make his bed in hades.. God is there.

I hope is a wake up call to those who are running away from our own self and most importantly God. And to me i guess i have to face my own music squarely :)

Grasshoppers stop hopping... its now time to face your gaints...

THE SONG IS STILL THE SAME

You say faith knows no fear
But my fears has led me here
So we stand and fight
So we hope we're right

You're afraid of my questions
I fear to know the answers
So silence is the game we play
So we vote loyalty to stay

You say I'm in His image
Yet I see this invisible cage
So I'm banging hard the walls
So i struggle not to fall

You say I'm not alone
But I dun wanna be a clone
Yes I wanna be like You
But I just can't lose myself

All this time I sing this song
The song that You once gave
But now I hear a different beat
They say the song is still the same

I close my eyes, I know You're there
But where am I today?
The white, the black that I once know
Now everything turns grey

It's the truth in their lies that hurts me
And for this truth alone I stay
When I can't feel, I reason
when reasons fail, I break

And now what's ever left inside of this broken trusting man
Still in need of a savior
Still in need of Your scarred hand

(Lyris by KC)

Saw KC blog and its his new song... I like the lyrics that was written.. Guess dont need to probe any further. The lyrics has said it all.

Life itself is a constant struggle... but at least we still can hope in God.

如果你也听说
突然发现站了好久 不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我 再多人陪只会更寂寞

许多话题关于我 就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可 委屈却没有人诉说

夜把心洋葱般剥落 拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候想你更多

如果你也听说 有没有想过
我像普通旧朋友 还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说 悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么负荷 舍不得 又无可奈何

如果你也听说 会不会相信我
对流言会附和 还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许 多等我的人就你一个
想到你想起我 胸口依旧（然）温热＊

My Sercet Place

I tend to ponder and think alot lately. Many things came into my mind this week. Talk to God after so much of bottling up poured out my heart to Him. Cried buckets at His presence until i am found by Him that nite.

After that encounter i had on that Friday, i know i begin to see things in a different perception. People grow weary, exhuasted, defeated through life challenges, who doesnt? Well i do feel the same way too especially with each different sets of life testings that have come along my way. Its like an never ending road how often it leads me to heart breaks and uncertainity.

Talk about fatigue? Who is not? Talk about hopelessness??? Who hasnt been through? Many times! i have been there :) Failures, defeats seems to be my constant companion!

Wonder why am still in His presence till today??? i am in awe with myself as well :) ... I guess the goodness of God lead ones into repentance. Day in day out His mercy never cease to wash over me. I could have thrown in the towel like what others did and go back to my portgal ways... i could have been ... but i did not. Not because i cannot or dare not... But i chose not too.

But yet i know i will still face all these giants. Giants of lack, giants of faithlessness, giants of insecurities etc... all these giants that cant wait to gobble me up..

Despite of all i have learn to stay with God... its the safest place where a refugee can dwell in. Others chose to avoid and run away but i just want to hide under His shadow of His mighty wings. A place where i can be at ease with myself and Him...

Human's Will battling against His? Who will win in the end? I hope not mine:) I am letting go, slowly but surely... the pain of losing him seems to fade as time ticks by. Im glad our path has cross and i am grateful that it does stay for awhile though not forever. I will remember him and there will always be a small space in my heart to contain this friend of mine :)

God is good, there is no doubt about it.. though i may not understand His plans. Sometimes it seems like my life is a joke, a laughing stock to others and people tend to lead a better life but i know there is always a better days ahead for me if i dont lose heart and grow weary in doing good.

I can imagine when the day comes, as blessings started to pour and bestow upon me Abba will be smiling down from heaven...after all He gives good gifts to His own :)

Okay folks... i will stop penning... i am going back to my secret place :) Meeting Him there...

HERE IN MY LIFE

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet
But at Your word Lord
I'll receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep

And i remember how
You found me
In that very same place
All my failing surely would have drowned me
But You made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus You're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne
Where would i be without You
Here in my life
Here in my life

You have said that all the Heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds the
Way to Freedom truth of Jesus
Bought from death into His life

And i remember how
You saw me
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was
Your Beloved for me
Still You made a way

A ride to remember

Just as i thought my life is so mudance doing the same thing... walking in circles and not having my needs meet... i was really frustrated... but i guess God caught up with me today and i think sometimes life is so full of surprises.

Yesterday my boss called me up to take one day leave for my shut down period. So unwilling i say yes. Then in the afternoon i recieved a call from a company to for a an interview as a HR & Admin Manager... haha.. i struggle.. cos i think i dont really have that capacity just yet. But i sms tw today and he infact encourage me to go.

Ok so i went today and my exciting day begin...

When i reached downstairs i saw an old man waiting for cab too, so being a polite and a good christian i let the old man took the cab that i have hailed. Then out of nowhere there is a cab so and i hop in.

Dont know why i feel a certain peace when i got in. So as i was on my way to my interview venue, then cab driver play a chinese worship song. It was very nice and we happen to struck a conversation. To my surprised, he is from City Harvest Church and what a small world! So i ask him about his conversion, he begin to share his story...

5 years ago, his baby little gal was born without nerves cell and just barely two days after birth the poor baby gal stomach was so bloated and doctors mentioned that out of 20,000 baby one has it. Times of distress hit their family and all they can do is to cry helplessly... Then his sisters offered them to pray to God, but he was so frustrated and he say to her that he doesnt have time to think of religon stuff etc.. but her sister manage to convince him and they held hands and believe God for a mircale for this baby gal... Few days pass and yet nothing happen, her sister ask him to hold on to faith and God is testing their patience and heart...

One month past and still nothing happened... as usual routine the parents visited the baby in hospital, just then the doctors are making his rounds to check on the baby. Something happen, the baby has pass out some motion after one month and immediately the doctor do a thorough check.... The mircalous happen... out of nowhere God gave the baby gal nerves cell... they are shock, happy and because of this the whole household got saved and they are serving God :) The baby is 5 years old now, and he proudly showed me his daughter's picture. She is so cute with big round eyes and who would have thought 5 years ago she almost go heaven??

This true story inspires me and it makes me recall about God's goodness... i bid goodbye to that driver hopefully i can see them in church someday.

But my afternoon encounter didnt stop here, as the interview place was abit out of way, after the interview, i hailed another cab to go home... before i know it, i realised that there was another cab driver who is a Christian too...

Oh mine... my mind went pondering... 2 times in a roll i so concidencely sat 2 cabs driver who are Christian... Is God trying to tell me something or what?? I wonder...

As usual being a relational me, i struck a conversation with the 2nd taxi driver and ask him about his conversion.

To cut the story short, his grandfather was from china and had 2 wives, and one of them got converted. So because of the different belifes at home, there are constant quarrels at his grandfather's house.. i find it very funny... he was mentioning.. one side is the cross the other side of the hall is the "Toa Pek Kong".

When his grandfather turn 80, he suffered a bad stroke that left him bed ridden. The whole family was very sad. Then one day, the cab driver aunt was standing at the window and when she looked up she saw the cross that was nail on the side of the wall.. Then she begin to talk to Jesus.. asking Him to heal his dad and she will believe him if his dad is heal... after praying nothing happen.. so she is very disheartened and she went to her room to cry and pray..

Just then out of nowhere his father walk out from the bed and was healed instantly!!! And she told the dad that she was praying to Jesus for healing not that "Toa Pek Kong". Then the rest was history ... all of the family members witness this healing mircale and all gave their hearts to Jesus. Not only God healed him, God extended his life and to another 13 years. He went home with God at the ripe age of 93.

I fully now understand what is like to shine at market places now. This cab driver told me that he also witness to a kidney patient passenger and brought him to church, he gave his heart to Jesus just before one month before he passed on. Testimonties after testimonties he tell me and if God can use a humble cab driver to shine for him while on road... how much more we can make a difference in our people's live? It just take one... one at a time :)

I was really blown away by what has happen to me today... what is God up too this time??? Hahah.. never have this kind of things happened to me.. but my heart sure skip a beat whenever i hear about how God came near and help at our desparation.

I always think God is always very busy and has very litte time to take care of me and i sometimes feel so insignifcant, so small and wonder did He really know what am i going through? Does He really cares? Sometimes i wonder why is He so silent... but i know when He is silent, that doesnt mean He is not there. I just cant explain how i feel today... it just as if God really let me realise that He really hears us when we pray or cry out to him...

Many times we just chose to ignore the voice from within, we know we should do the rite things but helplessly we chose to turn other ways. Its our will Vs again His. Maybe our hearts just need a little bit more of surrendering. Christianity is not a life of constraints... Christianity is finding freedom and knowing the truth and coming out of the dark cave where people are hidding. So come out .. from the cave my friend you know who u are :)

Oh as for the interview in the afternoon, it be good if i got the job... but as for right now... it doesnt really matter as today i have an divine encounter from above :)

Happy Moments

Went to my sister house to celebarate my bro-in-law birthday and here are the happy shots that was taken during dinner time...

Im sure a picture really paints a thousands words... besides its more than one :)

Daddy & Me

Band of brothers

Nic & I

Mummy & Me

Happy Birthday Labbit!

Mr & Mrs "Burgers King???"

Are they having fun or wat??

Who says funny faces are only for the young ones???

My Folks

Dad & My Hands...Spot the similarity?

My Beloved Ah Ma

Me & My side kick

Peek-A-Boo

We are beautiful no matter what they say :)

I was enjoying myself and my digital camera came in good use to capture the moments... Many times i often complain to myself i dont have much and always in lack.. how i wish i am better off, prettier etc.. but i know God is fair. He gave me a home where love abides. Happiness is really in a state of mind not how much you have :)

The glass is either half full or half empty. You decide.

Inspite Of...

Met up my friend M for lunch on saturday, as usual my favourite hang out place Parkway Parade. We are just having some small chats and sharing about God. How He brought me throughout all these years...

My this little friend has been drifting away from God :) maybe she feels that there is more than life in that outside world and as months went by.. her direction in her life seems to be blur through life stains and became frustrated with everything. That bubble gal in that bubble world... the bubble seems to burst and reality saps in.. welcome to the school of hard knocks :)

Sounds familiar to me i thought... my mind went all the way back to memory lane few years ago and how i thought i am through with God and never want to have anything to do with Him and His people anymore! I feel so many rules and regulation to abide at that time i thought i really wanted to find my own life, a Christless life without God. Like a small gal in this big big world out there where temptations are colourful and where wolves are awaiting to devour me :(

Leaving God at that moment seems to have this so call burden lifted up from me, i thought i am free indeed... but as i enjoyed the world outside, i begin to miss Home. Just like the portgual son, few years of wasted living... I started missing church, missing all my friends.. missing God and ultimately i miss His presence.

I learn many valuable lessons while i am out in the world, met different men, end up with wrong relationships.. and having countless of heartbreaks.. and i thought i am going to be Mrs Chia when he popped the question.. thinking thats it my life has been planned, just like those normal mandanue people walking through life in this cycle, falling in love and getting married etc... Somehow i just know he is not the man i am going to marry, but when your soul is tired you just need a harbour to rest upon and so i said Yes to him...

One day i cried out to God and i wanted Him badly in my life again, be careful what you pray for... things started to happen so instanteously that before i know it our relationship is over. A waved of relieved came over me. Though i feel its a pity and of cos there is sure amount of sadness that our love didnt blosoom but i am glad its over and i have moved on since then not looking back.

Then my friend interrupted my thought as i was thinking... she asked me a question... she said that do you feel lonely? After seeing so many friends pairing up one by one.. and living a happy ever after marriage life.. Oh mine what a question! She was asking how i feel and why God didnt play fair to me all these while when i am in church, staying faithful to the call and why didnt God fulfilled the desires of my heart? Why did God allow things to happen in my life? Why didnt He bless me etc...

At that moment, i felt like Job in the bible..hahah.. really.. of cos my life cant be compare to him but i felt the challenge again as she was throwing me all thoses questions.. Actually, everytime whenever i lay my head on my bed i often thought of all these question to sleep at nite.

Yes of cos i am a human i do feel lonely, everyone needs a hand to hold at the end of our life journey. I was angry at God at one point of time thinking why my desires didnt come to pass? I didnt ask much. I didnt ask to win a million dollar.. or wanted to be the most attractive person in the world.. my desires are small and yet not hidden but why didnt He give me? At that time i felt forsaken and forgotten wanting to go back to my cave for a good retreat not wanting to come out of my closet.

God always have His ways with me, i guess beside my grandma, He knows me best :)

I told my friend, yes there is no doubt to feel this way, but if i love God just because of what He can do for me... then where is the genunity of my love for Him? Christianity was never meant to a bed of roses, but inspite of all the trials, testings, uncertainity and unanswered prayer we still want to thank God for all He has done and what He is going to do. I believe God will not short change me, He will give me double :)

Pastor Kong mentioned today when we dont get what we desire now is because God has a greater and better plan for us. Yes i believe delay is not denial. I will wait upon God patiently for things to come to past.

I realised that my love for God has deepened ... all i can say is i want to run to Him when i am hurting, after all He has been my silent support all these years even when i dont see His hands moving, i will still trust His heart.

To Jesus, I love you, I love you...

Oh as for my little friend, if you happen to see my blog, just to let you know... hang in there ya? You are never alone :) Who knows you will see that light in that tunnel? Your directions of life now maybe blurred but go to Him .. let your tears washed away all your fears and anxieties and i am sure your vision for your life will soon be clear, the day will come and soon you will be able to sing and dance in the field again moving up to your moutain top after your valley experiences ... just keep on walking.. dont stop and dont look back :)

I believe in you and i am sure you will know how to find your way back home... awaiting for your return soon ~ little lamb.

Forgiveness & Love Goes Hand In Hand

Was in Joyce Meyer service today and i enjoyed every part of it. What an inspiration role model preacher she was!

She was mentioning about how we need to love ourself and take care of God's temple and be able to live with ourself so that when we have a right standing we can let the love of God flow through us to other people.

Simple truth but yet i thought its a real challenge to do! Not many people like how they look, not many people are as accomodating to other people's weaknesses.. hmm... it only just take one to change our world.

Then she shared about her story of buying a soul instead of a house for her father who had sexually abused her when she was young. Loving your enemies even if you dont feel like too. You cant give what you dont have...

I pondered long and hard over this, and many times i wanted too and i have forgiven those who have hurt me. It was a long healing journey process though. And many times i really struggled hard to forgive. Its always a constant battle of our soul, and sometimes i even woke up with cold sweat and it can be depressing to dream that what if one day i run into him in church. Will my heart be as big as what i always pray to contain those who done me wrong? Will i run away? Will i hide again? What if.. what if..

Seriously i really dont know, but i know one thing for sure if that day do really come, God will not allow me to go through things which i cant handle :)

Actually i am waiting.. waiting not to see justice done. But rather i am waiting on God, God is not someone who will short change me after what i have went through and i know that he loves to be near the broken hearted. It will be exciting to anticipate what God is about to do in my life...

But i know all my desires will come to past... its just in a matter of time :)

JESUS

Cant get a wink last nite and i kept thinking about HIM. Thinking about what my life will not be if its not for HIM. Talk to HIM last nite and i feel HIM near in my room...

Dont know why this feeling seems so close yet so far.. then took out my hp and wrote this ...

With you...

Let your love washed over me tonight
As i pray and held my hands tight
Let all my insecurities and uncertainties fade
When i live in your presence each day

I long to be with you
I long to tell you what is inside me
My thoughts, my struggles, my feelings
And my everything

Please come inside my heart
And see if it's true that I love you

Lord my life is in your hands
Do it accordingly as you plan

Watched over me lest i stray
I just want to be with you all of my days

Yes its true, its true
My abba I do really love you.

GOD OF MY FOREVER

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul

God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Forever and ever Jesus
You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

~Reflections~

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day it's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world what's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think?

How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

One Love, One Life

Since i have such a long shut down from work this week, i decided to go home finally after so long :) When i reach my folks home, i saw this picture hanging on their room. This lovely picture was taken 2 years ago when my sister got married back then. It was such a joyous occassion and i stared long at this picture and sure being an emotional me... i do have things to say about this 4 letter word. Yet so simple but not many people can hold it... ~ LOVE ~

Have you wonder what kept our parents marriages alive after such a long time? I started to wonder what has actually kept their love burning? Though i may not grow up with my folks but i do see them loving each other in different ways. There are times where couple fights and quarrel.. there are even times when one is being throw out of the bedroom... hahah... ( i wonder why is always the man being kick out all the time?? ) haha...

At our parents time, all i can say is Love is really a matter of choice despite of the temperature of the heart. It really is... i tend to feel quite alot where some couples begin their marriage with red hot passion and soon it fades away either through life toils or by some other unforseen factor we outsider dont know.

This week i had an opportunity to go out with Joyce as usual we will go out to chill at town... always like her company though i always like to 'irriate' her.. haha... share a fair bit of our family, life, friends etc... i always enjoy my time out with her.

Then we went to a coffee place to rest our feet and have a drink, i saw a friend whom i have not seen in church for a very long time. My instinct told me that something is not right with him, his countenance gave him away. I knew something is not right then i told joyce that he might not be in church anymore and i guess maybe he is divorce. (Now please dont get me wrong, i dont gloat over people's misfortunte but something just tell me that).

As we are about to leave that place i bid my friend goodbye and tried exchange a few lines with him... and i guess my instinct is right.. I didnt pursue or ask him any personal he just told me that his marriage is over...

I wasnt shock but i was abit sadden. He used to do very well in church and we are classmates from the same badge in Bible School, took care of Hollywood, married the love of his love and eventually run his family business. I really dont know where did love go? If love can be gone through life trials & testings then where is the essences of it? I hear too much, seen too much of many failed marriages but yet i still choose to believe there are still good marriages around that is in the binding. Love is really a choice, its really till death do us part thing.

I wonder when he comes along... will he love me till the end?? But for now, at least im assured that at least God do :)

Today, i went purposely to go to middle road to buy this egg tart. Just becos my sister has been wanting to eat yet not chance too. I am surprised that being a very lazy me i went out such lengths to buy for her :)

hahaha.. i guess thats what kinship is all about... i always felt that im such a lousy sister. Cant really do or give much to my sister but at least this is the least i can do for her... Hope she will like it.. its very nice and tasty... and its healthy!!! Its soya bean egg tart unlike the traddition ones that we buy outside. My sister and i are very different. We live in a different world, her world is much simpler... not so much of complications unlike mine. But im glad and happy for her that she is happily married with such a supporting husband. My brother in law and I click on quite well :)

My sister and i used to quarrel alot, fight alot and somehow while growing up in two different places i tend to be jealous and envy of her being doted by my parents since young. She has her first birthday celebaration when she is at very young age while i dont. I can still remember i stared with anger and rejection from my parent as a kid thinking why am i so different from the rest of the kids? Am i not their own too?? And it took me 21 years to have one family birthday gathering for me well i guess delay is not denial sometimes.. hahaha...

Well i have gotten over the past issue and sometimes when i look back, i am so amazed that why is my heart so small at that time compare to now? Maturity takes time to develop i guess. Right now my sis and i are much closer. Though i dont really share much of my thoughts to her not becos she is not capable of handling it.. but i guess i dont really want her to carry my unseen burdens :)

I know we love each other in different ways ... and i hope God can bring her back once again! Only God can do that surgery in her heart.. and im awaiting for my whole family members to be saved. Only God can do such a mircale!

Friendship From God :)

I think beside children are one of God's best gift to man, friendship is one of it too. This morning i was awoken up by an sms. I was elated to see a sms by a friend kind words and i feel so much comforted being loved again. Sometimes i feel that friendship comes in a nick of time to give an emotional lift and it feel good that my blog is constantly view upon by those who love me.

In fact, i remember the other day i was feeling very tired and dont feel like going on anymore, i sms to kodomo and lament my woe over sms... the next day i received an sms back from her saying that... " U tired.. i'll be there to carry for you :) with such one sentence it so sweet yet so simple. Tears swell up in my eyes its warms my tired heart. Im really very bless to have such a friend like her. Though we may not talk alot or met up alot but im sure the bond within us stay.

Actually i never thought that i can make good friendships with so many wonderful people around me. During my study days, i have a Form Teacher who warned one of my best friend in school not to get near me as i will lead her into bad path..it takes one rotten apple to spoil the whole carton? i was rather hurt by the remark back then and i thought am i that bad being a person?

Times pass, in life u win some and lose some, i make some good friends and not so good ones. But i have always feel that im not good enough to be a friend to anyone, call it an esteem problem... call it whatever ... and i find it hard to accept their love. But i somehow feel very fortunate to have friends that came along side to help me to pull through one obstacles after another. Friends are like extra pair of wings, they carry you when you are down. Im very thankful to God really, remembering His faithfulness while i am not.

I hope i can be a better friend :) to all ...

Sense Verses In-Sensitivity??? 3 August 2007, Friday

Someone today did a very insensitive thing to me in cell and i cant believe he has done it over again and again... I was so angry and i went to Siang's house toilet to hide and cry. I cant believe i have done that, all along i thought its okay to let people laugh at, but im sure my emotions has a limit.

Actually i dont blame it on the person who has hurt me... i think he has every right too... Fat people are always bullied and laugh upon so i dont really dont blame him at all.

I tried to hold back my tears but it just kept freely flowing out from my eyes. Till then no one knows what happened and when the toilet door is open... i compose back to my normal self. I thought i have acted very well until.. someone saw through it...

While making our way to have our normal fellowship in the car and i cried quietly not wanting to be console by her. Guess bottle up emotions are not good at all.

In fact this week i am not feeling too good emotionally.. fighting my way out of depression and yet kept on eating and eating uncontrollably... i know its not good. I dont feel good either. No one likes to be fat! But yet being FAT is always the joke of many people.

7 August 2007

I wonder if people is in my shoe.... what will they think? Like today i went to meet up with some of my ex-colleagues.. they do joke about that "wave is coming" while i shift my seat nearer... well.. i just look normal and act blur... but inside im really hurting... fresh wounds that i have been trying to close all these while have cut open up again.

I know they dont mean it just a joke out of it again.. I didnt say doesnt mean i dont feel hurtful? Being fat is a sin too? I dont know.. i tried... i really tried to change but when im depress the tendency then to eat more...I have enough! Should i fight back relentlessly? or should I confront my fears? I really dont know....im very tired... just want to rest...

SIMPSON'S FAMILY
Went to watch Bart Simpsons on saturday... at first i was quite skeptical about this cartoon as i never really watch before.. but from the begining of the show it started to the end... i can never imagine that i laugh so hard and loud. Its worth watching! It's funny and i never thought that i can laugh throughout the show... hahaha... especially the spider pig song... its so hilarious!!!!

SPIDER PIG(Homer Simpson Sings)

SPIDER PIGDoes whatever a SPIDER PIG does

Can he swing From a web No he cant,He's a pigLOOK OOOUUUTTT!!!!He is a SPIDER PIG!!

I laugh so loud... hahaha... and i even got this song from joyce to put into my mobile... hahaha.. I still find it very entertaining... hmm... maybe i havent been really laughing much lately :)

Return to blogging...

Yes yes... after so long i know that i have not been blogging for a long long time... lol ... im sure some of my ardent fans might been thinking all these while where am i hidding again? Which cave do i go to for medidation? Well im finally back! I have come out from my cave this time with many lessons learn :) I wanted to blog really but just seems not to find time too :) but since i have this one week break... i think i better start blogging ...

Return where i landed ...

I have left Cold Storage to a better company now where im already 3 month confirmed staff. Well, to me it seems like 3 years had past.. so busy everyday. Facing different situation and funny griveness... i guess if you like this line... people irriate you everyday whether you like it or not.. Maybe God has put me there to be a problem solver ba... so i dont dare to complain but just be thankful at least i have a job and something i like to do... get connected to people needs etc..

Life has been okay at least for work. Thinking of going back to school... back to basics... havent got a concrete plan just yet, but thinking of going to Isreal a place i pin for so long :) so im trying at least the best i know how to scrimp and save the best i know how. It has been my dream to go there. At least its step closer to God.

Wedding Fever...

Well what else can i say? In June and July this year i witness both beautiful marriage. Each of it got its different theme and i enjoy every moment of it. Though its really tiring but yet i guess its the company of good friends we have to pull through one hurdle after another.
More weddings to come... There will also be a season for everything! Meanwhile stay tunned for more blogs to come...

Bottled Up

Though this year 2007 has just arrived and its just barely 2 months had past. Somehow i feel as if i have lived through the half year period.

Feelings... coped up from deep within.. frustrations of self... hurts from people... letdown by friends... anger at God... uncertainities of future.. fear of the unknown... all these feelings just griped me to the core and im sure it has hit its peak!!!

Wondering anyone feelings can go lower than this?

Thank God i should say... the only way besides being a hermit in my own nut shell for days, there is also a remedy through writing... Its a way of expressions venting my frustrations.. throwing my fears and abandoning myself into world of my own.

At least in my world pains are temporarily ceased, in my world i can be at eased, in my world i can come in terms with my own true feelings, in my world no one can come near and hurt me, in my world no one sees my tears and fears.. in my world i can be free who i want to be....

Why am i hidding again? Why am i retreating? Why am i making rounds? Why do i have to do it again? Why do i keep holding on to somethings that are not right and never has any ending? Why do i have to hurt myself through and through? Letting God and those who believe in me down?

Silent cry screamed out from the depths of my being.. its a cry of desparations, its a cry longing to be heard. A cry of despair, longing ... a cry of identification, cry that is aimless that brings me down to my pit.

How can i ever be clean? How can i be pure? How can i be really happy? Stained with filth, marked down by gulit, echoed by condemations.. its just so much to bear. I wonder who can get me out of this silent anguish? i know i will not only be the one or neither the last one who feels this way.

I am just tired... tired of this journey... i wanted to go to a far away place to find back my own space ..i need a place to recuperate and get my energy back to zest.. But will i be up and going again after the rest?

Someone ever once told me that if i really stands out i will be the brightest stars that shines among all. I wonder will this star of mine be able to shine ever so bright up in the dark night sky? This star of mine is flickering like the candle in the wind and fading slowing like the dying roses in the field...

Its between me and Him... its all because of Him... because there is much love for Him, i contested with my soul. Because of Him i long to be make whole. All because of my love for Him so easily read by others yet so hard to follow.

Because of Him, i believe.. i really try hard to believe life can be better for me.. because of this hope in Him that is undying that keeps me holding on until my heart bleeds, my hands brusied with blisters. I dont want to let go.. i am afraid to let Him go ... i really want to hold onto the rope of hope as tight as i can close to my heart...

Read a friend's blog today and i thought she describes well of what Life is...

"To me, life is a journey where you never know which day it ends but you always celebrate the day of its beginning. Every decision you make, everyone you touch, everything you say make up of life events. How exciting will your life be really depend on YOUR CHOICE! Even God give us a choice either to be with him or
away from HIM. And I am thankful to have HIM in my life".

I cant agree any further with what she says.. i wish i can be as strong as her being so determined come what may that she will not be so easily swayed by life trials..

God has promised us that in our weakness we are make strong in Him. In our distress we can look for Him for life's answers...

What if the answers didnt come? What if .. what if... what if...

If God is here today what will i ask Him??? Too many questions on my mind to be answered. But i know that God works in a mysterious way.. i dont know where my sherperd is going to lead me... beside King David's still waters? Or Moses's red sea? Or maybe at garden gesthmane where i find Him down on His knees praying for me?

Trials indeed make us more stronger... hopefully not to hardening of our hearts.. Testings makes us more human .. hopefully not to become inhumane.

With all these unanswered questions, life is indeed is a long journey. What you are today is the choice we make yesterday.. whether happy or sad, angry or mad?

Decisions upon decisions... one day when our lives is over and the big revealed comes to stand.. and maybe just one day... God is going to astound us what is life all about!